When you love too much – a lesson about just being (and less doing)
“If love gives too much over to worry, worry will then build a wall.”
C. Eriksen
Wait, what? How can you love someone too much? Let me tell you a story…
Farletta is my heart horse–I love her deeply. We’ve been together for over 15 years. She’s had more than a few health issues through the years, uveitis and a near-deadly impaction colic being at the top of the “horrible, terrifying experiences” list. As I mentioned in my first post, “My Horse’s Midlife Crisis,” Farletta has had some trouble the past couple years not only with soundness, but also with anxiety, especially during her heat cycles. I’ve worried a ton over her, shed a lot of tears, and spent quite a bit of money trying to figure out what is wrong and how to help her.
(photo credit: Jennifer Johnson)Lately Farletta has been struggling some with her ageing body–arthritis in her knees and hocks, plus some intermittent, apparently impossible-to-diagnose-and- therefore-difficult-to-treat overall unsoundness that may or may not stem from her pelvis, sacrum, and/or sciatica. She’s seen vets, massage therapists, multiple chiropractors, and an osteopath–all have helped some, especially the osteopath, but the problems persist.
I’m currently learning two body work modalities — Reiki and TTouch. I plan to offer these services professionally when I’ve received more training and certification, but, I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t have a habit of learning things with at least some intention toward fixing my horse–Farletta and her health issues are always on my mind. Recently, while taking a TTouch course with founder, Linda Tellington-Jones, I spoke about my concerns over Farletta, and how she didn’t seem to want the body work. She was fidgety and would sometimes move away from me if I tried one of the TTouches or using the Reiki techniques.
We watched a video of Farletta and looked at some pictures while I explained to Linda what was happening and how I just couldn’t seem to find the answer to help her. And how, where she had liked the Reiki and TTouch before, she now seemed resistant at times.
Linda thought for a moment and then she said “Here is what you have to do.”
My eyes lit up and I leaned forward, this was what I’d been waiting for, the solution to finally fix Farletta. I listened expectantly…
“You must stop thinking about it.”
(Um, what?)
“Stop thinking about what is wrong with her. Just be with her. Love her. Enjoy her.” Linda smiled, and asked if I had any more questions. I didn’t. It wasn’t the answer I’d expected at all. I mean, I needed to fix her. Did she understand that? I wanted to say more, to make sure she understood, but I paused. I was paying her to learn, perhaps I needed to listen. Linda had been doing this for 45 years, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to try her suggestion.
That evening I went out to see Farletta. But instead of looking at her knees to see how knotty they looked, or if she was bucking them forward, or feeling her hocks for heat, or checking her body for tension, or trying to give her Reiki or TTouch–instead of any of that, I just hugged her. I told her she was perfect, beautiful, and amazing, I told her I loved her so very much, just the way she was, that there was nothing wrong with her. I brushed her, and sang to her, and then just talked to her–like two old friends catching up over coffee.
It was the best night ever. I felt light and happy, like I did when I was a kid–before I had as much horse knowledge as I had now, before I got wrapped up in solving every single problem by myself because I was afraid to depend on others for help, before I let my love for Farletta sour into worry. I remembered what it was like to just be with a horse, to be near one just for the sheer joy of it. No agenda, no desire to produce a result, just her and me, together.
The next day was the final day of the course. When I woke up that morning, I was still riding high from the connection I’d felt with Farletta the evening before. The course was online, so, due to the time difference (Linda was in Hawaii), it didn’t start for me until 2:00pm. I eagerly put on my barn clothes and headed out to see Farletta.
I pulled into the driveway and parked my truck near the barn. Taking a deep breath, I placed both hands over my heart and gave myself a “heart hug,” and then sent that love energy toward Farletta. I reminded myself to not focus on her health issues, but to just be with her.
Farletta poked her head over the stall door as I walked up to the barn. Her ears pricked intently forward, her eye bright and inquisitive, she nickered. “You’re here!” she seemed to say, her energy beckoning me. Farletta was relaxed in my presence and engaged with me in a way I had not seen in a very long time. She enjoyed my touch and did not move away from me. I did do some TTouch exercises, but I did them with a grooming energy, not a fixing energy. There was no intention behind them, I was not trying to get a certain result, I just wanted to offer her something I thought she might enjoy, no strings attached.
Excitedly, I reported my results during the class later that afternoon. Linda clasped her hands together and smiled.
“Wonderful!” She said. I grinned.
Elation! I finally understood. The intensity of my worry had become uncomfortable for Farletta. I wore it like a heavy, scratchy wool blanket and thrust it upon her each time I walked into the barn. Worry had robbed us of the joy of simply being.
It has been a month since I stopped focusing on the “fixing” energy (the “what if,” the future energy) and instead stayed present in the moment, just being with Farletta. Of course I’m not ignoring Farletta’s health or lameness issues, but I am approaching her differently, and as a result, am approaching those issues differently as well. I still do the TTouches, but I do them because I think she will enjoy them. I watch her closely, knowing she will tell me if it’s too much or if I’ve brought too much energy to her. The moment my touches turn from “just being” energy into “fixing” energy, Farletta will move away from me, turning her head to look at me like “slow down there, you’re getting ahead of yourself again.” She’s right, I’ve slipped out of the present and jumped into the future (Must. Fix. Everything.) and Farletta can feel that like someone poured ice cold water down her back.
What is interesting to me, and a humbling reminder that we should always place ourselves in a learning frame of mind, is that I’ve been aware for some time of intention energy and how it can influence the horse both positively and negatively. It is usually my first bit of advice when someone is having a problem with their horse–what are you thinking about? What kind of energy are you bringing to your horse? But somehow I completely missed what was going on with me and Farletta. Like totally clueless. I think this is because I thought the fixing energy came from a place of love and was therefore disguised as such in my mind. But now I understand the fixing energy actually comes from a need to control everything (a common problem for many of us, but it is particularly intense in trauma survivors) and that is not love, that is fear. Because I love Farletta so much, it was easy for the fear to masquerade as something it was not.
Farletta is doing great. She is showing improvement in her comfort level and her knees look better. I believe the TTouch and Reiki are helping and Farletta is happy to accept both, as long as I don’t bring that “fixing” energy to her. These days we’re doing a lot of just being together, hanging out, not worrying about the future, staying fully in the present. Admittedly this is not easy for me to do. I come from a long line of extremely talented, thorough, and consistent worriers. Worry is not the enemy, but just like anything, if we give it to much power, it can become a destructive force. Then worry is no longer concern out of love, but of fear out of a need to control.
The lesson learned is about being, not always doing. Be mindful of your energy and what you bring to each interaction. Your horse feels everything, but so too will people around you. We tend to be much less aware of how energy affects us (much to the frustration of our horses, I’m sure) but as with the air around us, just because you can’t see it or always feel it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there–it’s presence in whatever form impacts your life at every moment of every day.
Journey in peace, my friend.
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(Summer 2019)
