Life on Pause
Whilst I was in an abusive relationship I felt my life took a giant step back but it wasn’t until after I left that I recognised the damage that had been done. It was more than life been on pause, I would say I was stuck like life was on repeat each day. I didn’t grow, I became an empty shell and my career was certainly on pause. I had no idea what was going to happen with my life and I thought I was going to be left to suffer for the rest of my life.
The trouble with this is that I had a lot of time to think. I wondered about the friends I had and lost, old connections, old boyfriends and old work colleagues. Not only was life on pause but I couldn’t move past my headspace to life as it was in the relationship, I wanted to go back in time. I didn’t realise what an impact this would have on me going forward in life after abuse.
Grief and loss needs more conversation because not only is this present in losing someone we love but it happens through situations like being in an abusive relationship or separation.
I’m several years out of the relationship and I still think about those I used to have a connection with. I wish I hadn’t lost contact, wish I hadn’t pushed them away, wished I had the closure I now want. I pine for those I had in my life and the old life I could have had.
I have tried reconnecting and there have been different responses to this but I can safely say that I have held onto thoughts more than them and for many years. I wondered what happened to them, what they were doing now and if they ever thought about me (even if it was just a fleeting thought).
Expectations make this difficult because I have played out the scenarios of reuniting with them over in my head, but it’s not reality or perhaps what they want. It means that I am feeling that loss all over again.
You might be thinking, why are you doing this then?
Well, I think I still need closure and I don’t want to be in this middle void of not knowing if there could be a chance of friendship or simply taking up some of my headspace.
It’s not an easy process, it’s painful and it’s challenging but ultimately this is growth for myself so I can move forward and not trap myself in the past any longer. It’s not a good place to be and it can take over my mindset.
I remember when I made my first re-connection, I was invited to an event in Leeds as a farewell for an old colleague. I think I had been out of the abusive relationship for one or two years and I didn’t think about the implications on my expectations or how I would feel. I endured the meal and got to see how everyone was happy, when I left, I sat in the car for an hour crying and feeling distraught.
A few months ago I found out that my ex-fiancé’s mum had passed away and it was a few years ago, I had no idea. I was with him for 5 years and he was my fiancé before I met my ex-abuser, she was like a mum to me and I had always wanted to reach out to her, now I don’t get that chance and I shouldn’t have left it so long. It opened the door to attempt to get through a long list of reunions.
How can I manage my expectations with all this in mind?
This is an incredibly difficult task in itself but ideally I need to be realistic and not have any expectations at all.
What am I going to do to move forward?
I’m sad to say that I am taking you on a 360 journey because I have decided in this moment that I need to officially say bye to reconnecting with those people. I need to accept the loss and stop the pretence I have created in my mind. It makes me angry again about what my ex did to me, how much he stole from me, what I lost and how he forever has changed me. I am also not the person everyone knew before and they could have their own expectations.
Queue the song “Happily Ever After” by Billie Eilish on repeat and away I go.
It’s OK because I am going to make new friends and be surrounded by those that accept me for who I am today. It sounds simple doesn’t it? But, it isn’t for me. However I have discovered that I have been through so much in my life that I can say “what will be will be” and nothing can surprise me, upset me or damage me. You can’t break something that is now unbreakable.
Saying this, I have made friends who do understand me and I didn’t realise that I would be so close to them. Kelly Smith is one that stands out to me, we recently met in London after four years of tweeting, Kelly flew all the way over from Texas.
This whole life on pause realisation has led me down a whole new path of self-discovery and I am now finding out who I am in a completely different light.
Are you an old friend of mine?
Please don’t reach out to me in pity or because you’ve read this because I understand that time has passed and you may have witnessed my disturbing and uncomfortable journey. Just know that you have a place in my mind and I thank you for the time that you spent in my life. I miss those days and I will never forget them
If you have a friend who has experienced domestic abuse they may be feeling the way I am. I know I am not the only one feeling this loss over and over again. Perhaps reaching out may be helpful to them, what’s there to lose when so much has been lost already?
Are you a new friend of mine?
You are a friend of mine for a reason, I don’t trust easily anymore and so you hold an important place in my life. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and creating new memories.
When you think you are almost there with recovery and a remix happens. This has been incredibly difficult to swallow.
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