Running from my past
I decided to delve into the Couch25K programme and it’s taken me more than 9 weeks to complete it. The reason why I started was that I wanted to challenge myself to achieve a goal with exercise without focusing on just the weight loss.
When I was in High School I used to be the person that came second in all the sprints and cross country, there was a girl I could never beat. Naturally, when I left school all of my active side of life came to a slow halt.
2021 has been about putting myself first, putting my oxygen mask on to be able to be the best I can be for my work and my family. It’s the first time I’ve ever put myself first without feeling guilty and it’s easier to do because I know this is an investment that will pay off.
I started the programme feeling like weeks 1, 2 and 3 were a breeze. I didn’t feel challenged at all, I was enjoying it thoroughly and wanted to do more. I started week 4 feeling ready to go but toward the end of the week I felt I had hit a wall, I ended up having to repeat this week. Week 5 was very similar but there was a significance to this week and I needed to move past it. If you haven’t done the programme before, the last run of week 5 is the biggest step up and you’ve just got to put your head into gear and get through it.
I wasn’t going to give in, I had started sharing my journey on social media. I was lucky enough to have a couple of people motivating me to push through this area and reassuring me it was normal, it would become easier after this big leap.
The day arrived for me to get this run done so I could move onto week 6, I set off as usual and around halfway through I was suddenly transported back in time. I was in the early parts of my relationship with my ex and he was chasing me down the road, this had followed an argument over something minor and it was the middle of the night. I remember feeling scared, my heart rushing and not having enough breath. I did suffer from exercise-induced asthma and I could feel that chest tightening. I slipped through a cut-through, thinking I was clear of him and sat against the wall trying to gasp for oxygen.
That was it, it wasn’t my capability at all, it was the panic of starting to run and for a long period of time. I recognised that before I was meant to start running I would build myself up and start panting, it was subtle enough for me not to think on it.
That day I failed at that particular run but I knew I needed to go away and work out what was going to help me for the next time. I didn’t want him to win, in fact, it made it even more desirable for me to complete this run.
Weeks later and I am on week 9, I tell the world that I am going to smash it on a set day and guess what… I DIDN’T!
It took me three attempts to complete the last run and officially graduate from the programme.
I wondered why I couldn’t do it for that final run
was it because I hadn’t resolved the memories in my headwas it because I knew that I would accomplish somethingwas it a potential trauma bondwas it because I was simply making excuses
Whatever it is, I know one thing was certain, it felt like I was running from my past physically.
This is a new part of my journey and I look forward to sharing it with you.
Want to know about my story? Isolation Junction is based on true events of my own and other women.
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