Do You See What I See?

Friday 30th of August 2019

I have a restless spirit, and all of this monotony of staying, being, folding clothes and watching TV, is getting to me.

I have so many ideas and the fear of them, the weight of them, intimidates me into stillness, into distraction. It’s like I fear my potential, why?

Here’s the reality I’m not facing. My sister’s moving out, moving on, and I’m stuck, physically and psychologically it seems. It seems obvious that one of these things is informing the other. Why am I so scared of myself? Why am I afraid of what I can do? Am I scared I’ll fail? Because this is failure, right now.

I was told today that writing isn’t a job, it’s something to keep me occupied and it hurt. It hurt because maybe she’s right, maybe it’s another distraction. What’s left without it?

I’m 33, unemployed, live at home with my mother. I have no children, and that’s it. She also told me I’m going to be so alone when my sister moves out. She’s right of course, I’m also pretty lonely now. People pity me. They look at me and see emptiness. They see waste, they see failure. They must do, it’s what I see.

‘The Murder of Miss O’ an illustrated novella, by me. Available from booky places, like Amazon and Kindle.