How was Cornwall?

Sunday 4th of August 2019

I just spent a couple of days in Cornwall and I feel as though I should write about it, but, why write about a good time. Let’s get serious.

It’s Sunday night, my mum’s cousin has popped round for a visit. His daughter got married over the weekend and he wasn’t there.

He didn’t raise her, he has stepped in and out of her life until finally they had an argument about this and he said he was done with her. It’s a familiar story, it’s my story.

He says that he doesn’t care, she’s nothing to him, and I think, is this the same stuff my dad says about me? Is this the story from his side?

He says she never made the effort to be in his life, she was too rude, too self involved, she would only make time to see him when she wanted to, he was right to cut her out. When he sees her no, he turns and walks the other way. In fact, he’s replaced her. That’s what he said, just like he replaced his son, who he also doesn’t speak to.

My dad has done this too. He stopped speaking to my half brother when he pointed out that he spends all his time with his ex’s son, who he has no biological relationship to, then any of his actual children. He then legally adopted his new wife’s grandchildren. He cooks their meals, drives them to and from school, he’s there, which was my brothers point. Why was he never there for any of us? Why, with us, was it so easy to say: “I’m done.”?

Listening to my mum’s cousin, and hearing his justifications for not being at his daughters wedding, for ignoring her invite:

“I don’t have time for someone like that.”

“I’ve replaced her.”

“Her step-father was probably there.” (Yeah, he probably was)

I realised something. Maybe this idea that family is supposed to support you and be there for you, love you no matter what, care for you and fight for you, is really just a damaging one. Maybe family isn’t something that’s meant to hold you, maybe the purpose of a family is to create you and then that’s it, you move on. Perhaps we’re supposed to find other people that are more in tune with us, then those people become our family. Until that dynamic serves its purpose and we move on again. Which is kind of a cold, analytical way of looking at it, but it explains life.

We move in clusters, or we strike out on our own. Either way, existence moves forward. We grow and develop as people. And all of this would be a lot easier and less painful if we let go and remove ourselves from the antiquated propaganda of the family unit.

To be fair, this could be a rationalisation on my part, trying to reconcile my absent father issues, my loss of family ties issues, my issues.

I’m different from everyone around me, I’ve always felt it, and embracing it has left me pretty lonely at times.

My family created me, they did their job and moved on, and I felt abandoned. I still do at times. How do I move on from that? Everyone else has, right?

‘The Murder of Miss O’ a novella, available from booky places.