The Devil’s Dictionary (9)

Intimacy, according to Ambrose Bierce in his The Devil’s Dictionary, published in book form for the first time in 1906, is “a relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction”. Kindness is “a brief preface to ten volumes of exaction” while to be jealous is to be “unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth preserving”. Love is “a temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder”. Whether love kills you or not it is worth knowing that to kill is “to create a vacancy without nominating a successor”.

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine. Our sage defined it as “an interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from animals”.    

Life is “a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost, it is not missed. The question “Is life worth living?” has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honours of successful controversy”. Longevity is the “uncommon extension of the fear of death”.

Turning our attention to matters judicial, a lawyer is “one skilled in circumvention of the law”, a liar “a lawyer with a roving commission” and a litigant “a person about to give up his skin for then hope of retaining his bones”. The process of litigation is “a machine into which you go in as a pig and come out as a sausage”, as I know only too well.