Can you - and should you - try to change narcissists?
Look, I’m going to be real with you here.
It may sound harsh but… safe yourself the headache. And the heartache.
It’s going to be tempting to try - and yes, you’ll think that you’re “different” and that you can change them - but….. It usually doesn’t work like that.
You can’t help narcissists simply because most of them don’t want to be helped. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them in the first place.
So, what is narcissism?
They think they’re much better than others. They feel entitled to things. They expect you to always conform to their wishes and desires.
And if you don’t, they’re not afraid to manipulate you into feeling and doing EXACTLY what they want from you.
You know, narcissists are so. much. more. than people obsessed with themselves.
It’s so hard to define them actually.
First of all, they’re NOT madly in love with themselves. They don’t spend days in front of the mirror. They don’t want to be the center of attention because they enjoy it.
Actually, all of that behavior is just a mask to hide on what’s really going on the inside.
The reason why they appear so full of themselves is because they are, in fact, VERY much empty.
Not empty of emotion – empty of self-love and self-worth.
The truth is, they DO have emotions and emotional needs that need to be met (just like regular people) but they don’t have the skills – or the emotional maturity – to communicate what they expect from the other person.
Because after all, having our emotional needs met and meeting the emotional needs of another person is what emotional maturity is all about – that’s how you make friends!
Building relationships with narcissists is impossible. Since they lack empathy, they can’t form a real emotional connection to any other person…. Let alone offer something in return. (they can manipulate you into thinking they do, though)
What they feel strongly about is primal emotions – think fear and anger the most.
That’s why they’re known to behave so… so off-putting and aggressive.
They’re scared.
Deep down, most narcissists are drowning in their own insecurities, hence the need to put on a show for the rest of the world. They have a massive void and try to compensate for that void by CONSTANTLY asking for the admiration and attention of others.
I could go on and on talking about this.
What I’ve said so far is what I’ve noticed from my experience – the truth is, there can always be some differences from one narcissist to another. No two narcissists are the same!
Another thing to point out is that we can all sometimes be a bit narcissistic but that doesn’t make us narcissists.
That’s why I think it’d be helpful if I gave you some pointers on how to tell if you’re dealing with a narcissist and what can you do to keep your sanity!
How to tell if someone’s a narcissist
Narcissists are everywhere around us but it’s often very hard to spot a narcissist when you first meet them.
The reason is, they can appear as a crowd’s favorite. They can be extremely charismatic and charming and people-pleasing, just to get you to like them.
Also, they may seem easy-going at first but once you meet them…. You’ll realize they are anything but!
Just to be sure, I looked this up and here are the MAJOR red flags to tell if someone’s a narcissist. If someone has one or two of these, it’s fine – but if someone you know has MOST of the signs on the list, you better watch out!
· They talk a LOT – and you don’t get to say anything!
Building relationships with someone requires conversations. And conversations are done by TWO people taking turns talking!
Narcissists love doing a lot of talking but prefer to do ZERO listening, just because they pretty much don’t care about what you have to say. Even if you do get a chance to talk, the conversation will redirect back to them in NO TIME.
If you’re talking with a narcissist, expect to be interrupted at least a dozen times and leave that conversation feeling emotionally drained!
Observe – how do you feel when interacting with someone? If they don’t make you feel good during a simple conversation, how do you expect them to be a good friend or partner?
· They don’t care about you
Narcissists can’t identify with other people because they lack both empathy and compassion.
I’ve once read a report from a therapist specializing in treating patients with NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) who claims that one-third of her patients can develop SOME empathy very slowly, under the condition that they put in the hard work…
I will NEVER again be in a relationship with a person who can’t relate to me and what I’m going through because that person will make you feel miserable at times you need them the most.
· They try very hard to impress you
Narcissists excel at bragging.
Trust me, the less reasons they have to brag about, the MORE they’ll keep on bragging. That’s how they compensate for the lack of self-confidence – that’s how they do an ego boost!
Most of that is fluff.
· They ask for special treatment
Hey, so I know we can all be special snowflakes for some things… like, we all enjoy getting special treatment but narcissists are next level.
They don’t only ask for special treatment – they DEMAND for constant, never-ending streams of attention and flattery and are known to get seriously upset if they’re not treated like royalty 24/7.
To see if your new friend or partner is guilty of this, just observe how they treat others around them. Do they get impatient or downright evil if they don’t get the special treatment they think they deserve?
If the answer’s yes, then that may be a HUGE red flag!
· They are quick to snap if things don’t go the way they want
Narcissists are known to be unable to handle rejection or failure or anything that indicates things aren’t going the way they want or expect.
It’s like watching a grown up toddler throw a tantrum for a menial reason.
On top of that, even if you suggest ways of handling the disappointment, they never ever want to take responsibility for their own life… and would rather point fingers to others..
Life doesn’t always turn the way we want and being able to cope with that fact is one of the keys to being happy, content and at peace with yourself.
Have you ever had to deal with a narcissist? Be in a relationship with a narcissist? Have someone in your family that’s a narcissist?
I’d love to hear your stories and your experience, please tag on me Instagram @bernadetteballa
Tag me on instagram!
Resources
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/narcissism
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201812/how-spot-narcissist
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201411/are-you-narcissist-infographic
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/201910/is-narcissism-treatable
