Describe Your Novel in Two Sentences

So asked my agent, as she prepares to pitch THIS GAME WE PLAY to publishers. You must have that quick hook. Everyone is so busy. Everyone wants you to get to the point and wow them.

First pass:

A recent college graduate falls for a charming schemer. Her father becomes obsessed with preventing the marriage.

And I added this, for a longer description:

After an emotionally challenging year, Anna is spending the summer before law school working at a restaurant resort. She ends up seduced by the party life and by her manager, Kyle, who loves Anna but is also eyeing her inheritance to fund his ambitions. Art is the wildcard. He intervenes to protect his daughter, but doesn’t anticipate the dramatic impact his maneuvers will have on their lives.

Response from my agent:

Hi David,

                Close.  I’m thinking out loud here…

                ANNA  A young women in over her head living the party life

                KYLE    A charming and ambitious schemer just this side of dangerous

                ART     A father with a secret who is obsessed with keeping them apart no matter what

Will you give it another shot? 

My next attempt:

A young woman lured by the party life falls for a charming and ambitious schemer just this side of dangerous. Her father, harboring a secret and determined to protect his daughter, will do anything to keep them apart.

Then:

A young woman lured by the party life falls for a charming and ambitious schemer just this side of dangerous. Her father, holding a secret and determined to protect his daughter, will do anything to keep them apart.

Finally:

A young woman lured by the party life falls for a charming and ambitious schemer just this side of dangerous. Her father, determined to protect his daughter and conceal a secret, will do anything to keep them apart.

What do you think? Would you like to read THIS GAME WE PLAY?

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