Going Dark— ish

My surgery is scheduled for seven a.m. tomorrow. The plan is that my stay at the James Cancer center is to only be five to seven. We all know that “no battle plan, no matter how brilliantly conceived, survives contact with the enemy.” (Gen. Sherman)

The last few days has been spent in preparing for my hospitalization and clearing the decks of what bills I might have outstanding. I have every intention of returning, but it would be nice to do so without fear of shut-off or eviction.  My ability to think clearly will be severely impaired, so no financial or legal documents will be signed. My social media will be mostly dark. If you see something incredibly stupid or hateful coming from me, you’ll know what happened.

I will come out of the hospital with the same number of holes as when I went in, only the location of one will be changed. Also, as in the words of the great James Brown: “Papa’s got a brand new bag.”

For those of you who might be saying “Is there anything I can do?”, I have a few suggestions. First off, look out for Kit. She is going to be terrified and I will be of no use for a while. Casseroles are no longer a thing, at least not as far north as Ohio, so slipping a restaurant gift card under the door might encourage her to eat. The same may be done with an incredibly thin pizza from Villa Nova.

Please, send no flowers. I can’t smell them and it’s depressing watching them die. Besides the delivery person is putting their life at risk with every vase of carnations. The usual “no-cash” things for a nearly famous author always work to cheer me up: reviews of my books, requests for your local library to stock same, initiation of a cult of personality.  Maybe somebody could finally start my Wikipedia listing.

Keep the silly memes and GIFs coming, especially if they relate to the upcoming #SquirrelApocalypse. God knows we could all use a good laugh. As it is, I have been collecting and writing my own colostomy humor. I might even go on the road once I am fully recovered to hit the stand-up comedy circuit. But first, I’ll have to pack my bag…