Two Minutes in the Van with Three Children

For your entertainment (and by way of warning to those of you who are contemplating having children), I offer this Un-Edited Transcript of a Two Minutes of the Ride Home Thursday afternoon, July 25, 2019 The Participants: DADDY: Me THREE: Our three-and-a-half-year-old son FIVE: Our five-year-old daughter SEVEN: Our seven-year-old son THREE Daddy? DADDY Yes? THREE How come some buildings are water towers? DADDY Um THREE Like how come only some buildings are water towers? DADDY Well, because only some buildings are…well, used as water towers. THREE And why do they have a thing that lets the water out? DADDY Because that’s how they work. THREE What is that thing? DADDY That’s called a pipe. THREE (Incredulous, disbelieving.) You said it’s a pipe! A pipe! DADDY Yes. THREE For the water? DADDY Yes, for the water. THREE Except, Daddy? DADDY Yeah? THREE What if the pipe was an octagon? DADDY Well, I guess that would be okay anyway. I'm glad you know about octagons. THREE Yeah, they're shapes. I know all about them. DADDY I see. SEVEN You don't know ALL about them, just some things. FIVE I see the bank. THREE No, I see the bank ‘cause it’s on MY SIDE. FIVE Yeah but I saw it first. THREE (Screaming suddenly) YOU CAN’T SEE IT BECAUSE IT’S ON MY SIDE OF OUR VAN AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOWS ON MY SIDE OF THE VAN BECAUSE THAT'S SO ANNOYING!!!!!!!! FIVE (Screaming louder, at a higher pitch) YES I CANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! THREE DADDDYYYYY!!!! DADDY What? Dear God will you both stop shouting. THREE and FIVE (Simultaneous indecipherable whining about windows and the bank) Meanwhile, SEVEN Daddy? DADDY Yep? SEVEN Are we almost home? DADDY Let’s hope so. THREE (calm now) But Daddy? DADDY Yes? THREE Why are some houses octagons? DADDY Um, well... FIVE (interrupting) No houses are octagons. Houses aren’t allowed to be octagons. It’s against the law. SEVEN No it isn’t. FIVE Yes it is. DADDY Actually, out west in the Navajo Nation, there are houses called... SEVEN and THREE (Rising to shout) No it isn’t!!!!!!! FIVE (Full shouting) YESSSSS ITTTTT ISSSSSSSS!!!! DADDY Stop it! There is no law on the books prohibiting octagonal houses. There are some octagonal houses. Just not here. Now stop. THREE (calm again) Daddy? DADDY What? THREE Where’s mommy? DADDY At work. THREE But I want her to pick us up and drive us instead of you. DADDY I long for the same. THREE Why are you long for it? DADDY It’s…just an expression. It means I wish that, too. SEVEN Are we almost home? DADDY Fortunately. FIVE Daddy? DADDY Yep? FIVE When we get home, I’m going to poop on your head. DADDY Please don’t. THREE and SEVEN, in unison: Poop on his head! Poop on his head! DADDY There will be no pooping on anyone’s head. THREE Houses can be Octagons. FIVE. No, they can't. DADDY We are home. #parenting #parenthood #van #kids