One Thousand Disappointments

The worth and excellency of a soul is to be measured
by the object of its love.
The Life of God in the Soul of Man, Henry Scougal

For some time now I have seen the exercise about called "One Thousand Gifts." I know my mother has the book. At least, I assume she has the book. I have seen it floating about her house, so naturally I deduce that she owns it. I have not read the book nor do I follow the lady's blog who first instituted this exercise, but I understand that it is to help believers recall the small mosaic-piece graces that God infuses into our lives every day. Now I am sitting here listening to Audrey Assad's song "Show Me" and Laura Story's "Blessings" (songs that, I think, are well-known) and my thoughts are running in the other direction. I am not going to write a book about this or start a challenge because I think my thoughts don't deserve that level of attention, but I hope that, in conjunction with the "One Thousand Gifts," these thoughts might also be helpful.


we pray for blessings, we pray for peace
comfort for family, protection while we sleep
we pray for healing, for prosperity
we pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering
and all the while you hear each spoken need
yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

It is always very moving in the Scriptures when someone has waited long and long and begged hard for the Almighty to grant a request to get what they desire. What comes to mind especially are those who longed for a child: Abraham, Hannah, Elizabeth, among a few. Leah, too, though she did not wait long for her answer: she received a double portion of a blessing of children. It always moves me to see God's gracious hand work this way. He made a way for the righteous through the flood, he heard Abraham on Lot's behalf, he raised up Ruth and put her in the lineage of Christ. So many blessings to see, they choke me with emotion because the image that they produce is that of a just, gracious, merciful God whose heart is bent especially to the widow, the orphan, and the alien.

'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
what if your healing comes through tears
what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near
what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

But I think I am moved even more so in the narratives when God says no. When he shuts up the Garden, when he refuses Ishmael, when he does not heed David's plea, when he refuses any more petitions for Israel, when he does not grant relief to Paul. It is very easy for us to remember God as benevolent toward his children, full of grace and mercy, because he is. But I think we get an uneven view of his nature when we focus only on the gifts. What about the things he has refused us? All is his to give or to take, to bestow or to withhold. Are we not told as much about him by what he does not give as with what he does? What was it that he told Paul? "No - but my grace is sufficient for you." Sometimes his refusals are more poignant than the gifts because they force us to look beyond what we ask for to the reason in the Divine Mind. If not what we ask, then what? If not our will, then whose?

what if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
what if trials of this life
the rain, the storm, the hardest nights
are your mercies in disguise

He gives graces lavishly, and it is in his nature to be gracious, but he does not give contrary to his just nature. This is not to say that all refusals preclude some sin on the part of the asking believer: was it wrong of Paul to ask the Almighty for relief? Well, perhaps that is between Paul and the Almighty. But there was a deeper lesson to be learned there: that God's grace is abundant and sufficient to be drawn from for the present distress.

you could raise me like a banner in a battle
put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
I would drift like falling snow over the embers
but for now, just let me lie

This is a lesson that has warmed the hearts of believers time out of mind. It is not an easy lesson to learn and, unlike "your Father knows what you have need of before you ask," it is a lesson that must often be taught again and again, to each and every Kingdom-citizen. Mark what you are not given as well as what you are, and see how both attest to the person of our Lord and his dealings with his people. Whether or not it is a comfort, I do not know, but I recall Jesus himself wrestling with the horror that lay before him, asking if it might pass from him, and saying all the same: "Not my will, but Thine be done."

bind up these broken bones
mercy, bend and breathe me back to life
but not before you show me how to die