Dismantling: When You Are Refined by Trials
My attendance was routine. My allegiance was unwavering. Everything was functioning just as it should–until it wasn’t. I slowly started dismantling.
For as far back as I can remember, church played a significant role in my life. If the doors were open, my family was somewhere inside, so it should come as no surprise that this carried into my adult life.
When stormy seasons hit, my church family steadied me. When my children had birthdays, my small group brought gifts and sang with gusto. When loneliness smothered my joy, mentors and would-be sisters filled the void. This connection was the foundation of my identity; the sinews of my soul.
However, somewhere along the way, there was a subtle shift I managed to miss. An imbalance between love and duty threw my motivations into a tailspin. As ministry opportunities and responsibilities grew, I elevated my roles over my relationship with the Lord. Anything elevated above the adoration of Jesus is idolatry. However, the last thing I would have called myself was idolatrous. Church, after all, is a good thing.
Jeremiah 2:13 says, “For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn themselves cisterns–broken cisterns that can hold no water.”
Cisterns were an artificial reservoir carved out to hold water. There were manufactured to hold water that didn’t naturally rise in the area. The need was not the problem. Unfortunately, a broken cistern would allow impurities to render the water undrinkable, and the cracks would allow the water to escape into the surrounding soil. Consequently, broken cisterns eventually run dry.
Serving at church was my broken cistern, and I regularly went to it for my identity. My worth was entangled with my service. I did not see the blurred lines. How could a good thing be wrong?
Sometimes trials hit like an unexpected summer storm. This was certainly true as I began feeling the nudge to set boundaries with my yes and move away from finding my value in being at every meeting, sitting on every committee, and being a part of the behind the scenes planning. Eventually, my husband and I felt the call to step outside our comfort zone and chase our faith into the unknown. We were being called from our church of many years without knowing where we were being called to. This seemed like the absolute opposite of logical.
Have you heard the phrase refiner’s fire? John Piper defines it beautifully: “A refiner’s fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner’s fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner’s fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact.”
Although unaware, I was entering a long season of refining that felt an awful lot like dismantling. When you walk away from a longstanding relationship, it is messy. Not everyone was happy, and people felt disappointed and abandoned by our decision to chase God outside the lines of familiarity.
The greatest lesson I learned in the valley was this–hard things don’t have to be harsh, and difficult things don’t have to be destructive.
My refining included an awareness that the context of my confidence was not Jesus. That’s a hard truth to face. I didn’t want to admit the trial of leaving church was rooted in my own idolatry driven by insecurity.
My husband and I lost friends. We lost connections. A part of dismantling we forget to consider is that things must be torn down before they can be rebuilt. The impurities of my affection for roles and recognition had to be burned off. While it felt like more loss than my heart could handle, a change within was my big win. Church wasn’t the problem; I had a heart issue.
It is almost instinctive to feel an absence of God in hard times. In my season, I had not made room for God. I was serving without engaging in relationship. Because I elevated my role above my relationship, my faith had grown stale. Duty had replaced delight, and a refining was God’s gift of grace to me.
It is counter-intuitive to think of loss as gain, but that is exactly what I learned in the season of dismantling. While I generally run away from hard things or expend too much energy finding someone to blame, I learned to stay the course, endure the fire, and trust the process. Difficult things don’t have to be destructive.
My season of refining tarried over the course of three exhausting years. In fact, I often felt my spirit would be crushed before I experienced healing or relief. Enduring through the middle is not without challenge. I am prone to run away or turn a blind eye, so enduring the messy middle was a critical lesson I learned on my field trip through pain.
Whatever trial you are facing, consider the hope that awaits. Endure the fire. Avoid the blame game during your dismantling. Surrender yourself to the Refiner’s hands. Trust His heart of love for you. I know it hurts, friend, but in just a little while, you will emerge as pure as gold.
“And that’s not all. We also celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodness. And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.” (Romans 5:3-5, VOICE)
The dismantling of our idols will turn duty into delight once again.
The dismantling of our idols will turn duty into delight once again.
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Meet Alyssa:
Alyssa DeLosSantos is a woman pursuing a deeper relationship with Jesus, raising three darlings, loving John, teaching high school, writing whenever she can, and cultivating the #sowkind movement. You can read more of her words at alyssadelossantos.com.
The Refined Series
Fire refines. First God, breaks our pride into tiny pieces. Then, He melts away our impurities in a crucible of affliction. Every fleck of fleshy fluff rises to the surface and is removed until we reveal His image.
This year, I want to stop fearing the fire and pray:
Lord, refine me through the flame.
For 2018, I asked God to give me a word to guide my year, and He whispered the word “Refine.” For 10 months, Bruce and I have been walking through the fire and trying to not resist the refining work He is doing in us.
I am a very slow learner, and recently it occurred to me I should step aside and create more space to listen and learn during this season. I long to sit down for a heart-to-heart chat with a wise friend who will remind me the fire has a grander purpose. Thankfully, I am blessed to know several women who’ve walked through the fire and emerged beautifully refined, and I’ve invited them to share their story here with the Wildfire Faith Community once a month.
God has promised that the fire will not consume us, but transform us.
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During dismantling seasons, our best response is to get on our knees and ask God to show us the way. To help you get started, I’m sharing a copy of My Pray Big Prayer Calendar with you. Join the Wildfire Faith Community and grab a copy in our Faith Fuel Library. Print out your copy and start each morning inviting God to strengthen your step and breathe fresh wind into your weary spirit.
During a dismantling trial, we can feel stuck
and fear taking another step.
I CAN PARTNER WITH YOU TO HELP YOU CLARIFY THE CALLING
GOD UNIQUELY CREATED YOU TO FULFILL.
CHECK OUT MY COACHING SERVICES TO START WORKING ON A PLAN TO
REFINE YOUR PASSION AND PURPOSE.
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ARE YOU READY TO FIRE UP YOUR FAITH?
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