No Longer Alone
What’s the saddest thing about my involvement with pornography? I’m ashamed to say that it means that I treated women as objects to be lusted after for my own pleasure. I turned my back on God in order to gratify myself in my own way, by my own efforts. I wasted so much time that I could have used in a productive way. The list could go on and on.
But this sin also hurt me. As was the author of this crime and the perpetrator of this grave evil yet I consider myself to be a victim as well. This sin took the life out of me. It took me a while to recognize this reality. In the beginning the excitement and the thrill seemed to provide me with joy. Over time I saw that in addition to the provocative bodies, one of the things that appealed to me most were the smiles.
In real life, with a real person, things don’t always go well. There are disagreements and times when one person has to give in order to please the other person. In the world of porn everything seems to be a “yes”. “Yes, I want you. Yes, I’m ready. Of course now is a good time. I’m happy to see you and I want to make you happy.”
It seems like a great relationship. One where everybody is happy. Everybody is smiling. Except that none of it is real. It’s all just a show. It’s a total farce.
So where did I end up? It certainly wasn’t in a relationship. I was all alone. Just me and some pages in a magazine or some dots on a screen. And the more I searched for porn, the lonelier I got.
I knew that what I was doing was wrong. And since it was wrong I could never tell anyone. So my secret kept me in the dark and kept me away from those who could help me. The shame was extremely overpowering and condemning. I was deathly afraid of letting anyone see my dark, evil secret.
I worked so hard to not be discovered but deep down, what my soul longed or was to be found. I needed a real person to talk with. I needed to confess my sin and know that help exists. I needed to know that in spite of the mistakes I had made for so many years, that my sins could be forgiven and I could start over again.
It was only when I was finally willing to admit my mistakes, that I was able to connect with those I needed the most. Only then could I know that I was being accepted as I really am, with all of my faults, weaknesses and failings.
Some people say that it’s hate that drives people to porn. I think it was love that took me there. A desire for love. A very false, distorted sense of belonging. Porn never gave me love. And I never found love there. Because love is very different from a thrill or a fake smile. Love has to be genuine. Love has to be real. It was real love that I needed and real love that I wanted. And finally — that’s what I found. It was like a gift from heaven.
Love found me and I found love. Love is one person helping another. Love is forgiving and being forgiven. It was not easy for my wife to forgive me for betraying her hundreds and thousands of times. Yet she did. Out of love. Love for God. Love for our family. And love for me.
Of course it was actually the Lord who found me and brought me home. My story was like the prodigal son who had turned his back on the father and wasted so much valuable time and energy. Yet when I finally woke up and came to my senses, the Lord was right there ready to receive me and to tell me that He really was willing to have me come back and to love me as one of his precious children.
I was lost but he found me. I was in the darkness and he showed me the light. I was dead in that world of evil and he rescued me and gave me life.
Praise the Lord I’m no longer alone. I have my wife. I have my family. I can reach out to others who have struggled with this sin and offer them a helping hand. And most of all I have my Father and he assures me that I will never ever be alone again.
