If Schools were like Airports . . . (A Rumination)
After recently spending more than two hours on a jetliner wedged between a jock in a Jackalope trucker hat who chomped gum with his mouth open and refused to share the arm-rest, and a millenial yuppie whose overly loud action-film sound effects bled out of his ear buds, I found myself pondering whether there might be a reason why the airline industry does things the way they do. Unable to find any good answers to that cosmic quandary, my mind wandered away from the issue at hand, and my teacher brain began to wonder, what might it be like if we ran our schools the way we run our airlines . . . ?
We would start our day around dawn by requiring students to be at school at least two hours before the school day’s stated start time. This two-hour span of time would be necessary for teams of security guards to search, frisk, and otherwise humiliate students individually and publicly, while other guards with no apparent duties stand by. Students would only be allowed to get in line for this ordeal if they have complete documentation that they attend the school. Lacking even one document would disqualify a student from proceeding, even to the search. Parents and other family members would be held largely off-campus by school security, who would direct them to a nearby limbo populated mostly by students not eligible to enter.
Before entering the building, students would have to take off belts, watches, and shoes, to empty their pockets, then to enter first a wind-blown gunpowder chamber then a metal detector, leaving them eventually to stand half-dressed while they wait for their backpacks and purses to undergo similar treatment. A few will sheepishly sort out their feelings about being felt up and down by a stranger in rubber gloves. Of course, there would be a separate, private room for searching questionable students, or even randomly selected ones. And it wouldn’t matter how long any student had attended the school; this process would be completed every time.
Once students did enter the building — some of them hours before the school day starts — there would not be enough seating for everyone in common areas, such as cafeterias. Some students would be left sitting on the floor against the wall, or loitering around water fountains, a situation that would be necessary for reasons that would never be explained.
Of course, the school day may or may not start at the stated time, and moreover individual classes would be rescheduled with no notice and no explanation. A student might have second-period Chemistry but if first-period English starts late and ends late, then the student would certainly miss part of Chemistry, or all of it, especially considering that classrooms would be arranged so that no students’ next class would be anywhere near the previous class. Late students would have to go to the office and stand in line to arrange to attend a later class meeting, if one is available. This could lead to a domino-effect throughout the day, but teachers and office staff would be trained only to say that we “understand the frustration,” but will nonetheless remain inflexible and claim to be powerless. Students who object to the inconvenience with anything more than mild consternation would be removed from campus. Though the day’s stated end time may be around 3:00 PM, some students would not be finished at school until late in the evening. That would also be necessary for reasons that would never be explained. Those students’ families would have to circle the school parking lot or pay for an hourly rate for parking until their child comes out of the building, since free parking would not be available and waiting in the pick-up lanes would not be allowed.
Moreover, the classroom environment would be designed to ensure maximum occupancy, not comfort. Upon entering the classroom, all students would be required to put their backpacks in storage bins that are at least five feet above the ground. Some students’ bags won’t fit and those would be taken away and stored, probably to be returned but maybe not. Seats would be too small for most students, and aisles between desks would be narrow. (Students’ elbows should be held close to the body.) The back of each seat would be no more than a foot from the face of the student behind, and the desktops would be designed with greater width than depth, even though most paper is longer than it is wide. Textbooks would be left in a pouch on the back of the seat in front of each student, but some would be missing. Teachers would go over procedures for fire, severe weather, and lock-down at the beginning of every class period. Students sitting near the door would be questioned as to whether they’re capable of opening the door if someone knocks. Most importantly, students would be reminded that federal law requires that all students comply with all directives from teachers. Finally, no one would be allowed to leave class to use the bathroom, but a very small stall would be available in the back corner of the room.
Outside the classroom, students would experience similar aggravation and indifference. In the halls, custodians and other staff would drive beeping golf carts through crowds of students without slowing down. Food would be overpriced — most outside food and all drinks would be confiscated on the way in — and in the bathrooms, there would always be at least one person taking a really nasty dump. Of course, changing classes would have the additional challenge of navigating through the frustrated students who didn’t make it to class on time and who would idly occupy much of the available seating.
Finally, at the end of each school day, the same teachers and staff who refused to be flexible would stand in the halls and bid students farewell, saying with a smile, “I hope you had a good day, see you tomorrow.” That is, except for the students who leave late, who would slog through the dark, empty halls to the sidewalk and wait for their ride to pull up.
Since the proprietors of the airline industry seem to believe that this modus operandi works, I’m kind of surprised that some pro-business, security-obsessed reformer hasn’t already suggested that we apply it our nation’s schools . . . to ensure that students are ready, as future corporate employees, to participate in the modern travel system.
