Control Your Thoughts, Control Everything (Here’s How)

Here’s the real secret to success:

 

You don’t have to put your dreams out to the world to make them come true. You have to put your dreams into your head, and push your bad thoughts OUT.

 

The “law of attraction” was a hot topic back in the early 2000s. Everyday people began thinking more clearly about what they wanted in life; telling other people about it; and then reaping the rewards. Many of them gave full credit to the book “The Secret“, which taught the “law of attraction”. But the real key to getting what you want isn’t about what you attract; it’s what you repel on purpose.

 

You have to cut rumination and self-defeating language from the thoughts inside your head.

 

Rumination means dwelling on a negative emotion or event. It usually means that you think about something negative, and then exaggerate the event in your brain to make it worse.

 

For example, let’s say that your husband always leaves his socks on the floor. If you ruminate on the topic for years, your reaction will grow; you might begin to believe that your husband doesn’t respect you, because he treats you like his maid. And if you believe he doesn’t respect you, you’ll begin to believe that he is capable of other disrespectful acts, like cheating on your marriage. These leaps don’t happen overnight, but your brain makes these logical jumps as a natural part of learning. And if you picture your husband cheating on you, your brain believes it actually happened.

 

Self-defeating language is a true handicap. At best, it can hold you back from success. At worst, it’s abuse. If you say “I’m bad at math”, your brain will literally alter itself to be worse at math. Your brain believes itself and acts accordingly.

 

If you say “I’m dumb”–well, you certainly won’t get any smarter.

 

If you’re an entrepreneur and say “I’m bad at sales”, you will be. And you’ll get worse.

 

Both of these problems are becoming more common as we spend more time staring at screens instead of talking to people.

Here’s how I control my thoughts:

 

First, acknowledge your feelings. Zoom out and say, “Okay, I see that I am afraid.” I learned this practice of dispassionate observation from many sources, but its roots are in Buddhism.  

Second, tell yourself a different story. Instead of saying, “I’m so nervous”, say “I’m so excited” out loud. Your body responds the same way to stress and anticipation: rapid heart rate, increased breathing, and a surge of adrenaline. But changing the language in your head sidesteps the fight-or-flight reaction in your mind. 

Third, keep score. Most people have no idea how many times they have negative thoughts every day, or how much they ruminate. After reading “DRIVE” by Dan Pink, I began to count. I was astounded: on a single drive to work, I had over 20 negative thoughts about myself, my clients and my business–and no positive ones. How could I possibly win with a 20-0 score? How could I ever be happy, let alone successful? 

Fourth, be happy FIRST. Motivation comes from success, not the other way around. You need to win. Over the years, I’ve learned to make myself happy by doing things to make other people happy. But whatever makes you happy, start your day with it. Even the practice of saying “Good morning!” with a bright and sunny smile will make you happier. 

Fifth, practice Bright Spots. We post our weekly high points (our ‘Bright Spots’) publicly in our Facebook group every Friday. To a newcomer, it might look like bragging. But what we’re actually doing is helping our clients to retrain their brain. I want them to say “I am successful” to themselves. And the only way I know they’re doing it is to have them post their signs of success to everyone in the group. If they tell themselves they’re successful, they will be. They won’t feel pressured to sign up every potential client, because they know they’ll get more prospects in the future. They won’t feel like they have to cut deals or dramatically discount their services, because they’ll live in their own sense of self-worth. 

Now, I’d love to say “Fight against bad self-talk!” but that doesn’t work. Negative self-talk and rumination are addictions. You have to replace addictions with other habits. Start with #1 on the list: acknowledge your negative emotions and self-talk. Keep score. Then replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. Picture your brain as a jar: take one bad pebble out, and replace it with one good one. Don’t argue with yourself; even recognizing a negative phrase (“My hair looks terrible today”) and replacing it with a positive one (“I’m in a great mood”) will work.

 

This takes practice, but you’re good at practice. Go ahead and lose the battles, but don’t lose the war.

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