Working Your Plan
The familiar words of Jesus are ‘Without me you can do nothing’ (John 15:5). “But these must be balanced by the insight that, in general, if we do nothing it will certainly be without him” (Dallas Willard – The Divine Conspiracy: p.346). In my life, Jesus never let me down. I was the one letting Jesus down. Praying all day long to be free from pornography’s grip on my soul was never going to help me until I decided to take action and take the steps necessary to seek a new life.
Is being transformed and finding a new life up to me, or is it up to God? My answer is a resounding “Yes!” The apostle Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit wrote to believers in the city of Philippi:
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose”.
Philippians 2:12-13
Verse 13 makes it clear that any progress I make in this life depends on the Father. He is the one who plants the desire in my heart, and I need his help in order to achieve anything good in this life. But verse 12 states obeying and growing is up to me. I have to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. In my conception of things, this question has no either/or solution. The answer is both/and. I must work as if all growth in my life is totally up to me and my effort while giving thanks to God because anything I managed to attain was only by his grace, with his help.
Willard uses the acronym “VIM”, which stands for the words “Vision, Intention, Means” to describe the general pattern of any kind of personal growth or transformation.
Take the case of a boy who as a young person wants to grow up and become a medical doctor. The first step is to have a vision. I would like to help people. I see many people who are sick and I would enjoy being able to treat them and find a cure for their illnesses. The second step is the intention. One day I will be a medical doctor. Then comes the biggest step, because it requires the most time and work, of applying the means to achieving the goal. This young man will need to get good grades in high school. He will need to take all the math and science classes he can find. Then he will need to do the same thing in college as a pre-med major. He will have to give up some of the social events other college kids take part in, so he can study hard and maintain a high grade point average. Next, he will apply to a medical school and work for several more years in order to finally reach his goal.
Vision –> Intention –> Means
These past twelve years I’ve seen scores of guys go to sites that help people who long to break free from addiction to pornography. I’ve also talked with several guys face to face. I notice the great distress they feel. They are consumed by their lusts and desires, overwhelmed with the guilt and shame that follows. If there is a happy side to this story it is that, in spite of the fact that society and the media bombard us with the idea that the human body is beautiful and should be admired and that sex between two consenting adults is healthy and normal, these guys still know first-hand something has gone haywire. To me, the positive part of this story is that thousands of men from all walks of life, from teenagers to retired men, are crying out: “Please help me stop!”
What breaks my heart is that, as the weeks and months go by, I see these guys come and proclaim their eagerness to begin anew. They come and post: “One day clean!” “Two days with no porn.” “One week with no porn and no masturbation”. There are threads where everyone commits to 30 days clean or 100 days clean. And everyone rejoices when a fellow struggler actually reaches one of these milestones. But more common is the guy who remained clean for a week or two, or maybe even three, and then says: “I slipped. Back to square one.” It’s so terribly tragic!
Obviously, any new project, be it learning to play tennis or ride a bike, will always include failure. However, it is essential to realize that a “slip” didn’t just happen—it is part of a sequence of events. If I don’t stop and analyze what happened and how it happened, and perhaps even get feedback from a wise friend on why it happened, then I’m doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Just getting up and determining to try harder next time will not be enough—it will never work. Trust me. I know from experience, and I’m guessing you do, too!
That’s why it’s necessary to take the time to think about and write down what some would term a “battle plan”. Meaning, that you need “to plan your work and work your plan”. If you really have a vision and want a new life, if you are sick and tired of being in a dark hole and you desire with all of your heart to walk in the light, then it’s time to be intentional and think about how you are going to get there. What steps do you need to take today, tomorrow and the next day in order to reach your goal?
To simply proclaim “Now, I’m going to stop this for the next thirty days”, without any kind of a plan as to how to reach this goal is like trying to build a house on the sand. There is nothing prepared to withstand the winds and storms which are bound to appear. There has to be a “how”. Intentional living entails working out the means, day in and day out. Jesus said: “Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.” Well, the reverse is also true. Don’t seek and you will never find. Don’t knock and you will remain out in the cold all night long.
My band teacher in junior high school used to say, “Perfect practice, makes perfect”. So, if I want to live a life worth living, I must develop good, healthy habits and practice living out those habits, one at a time, day in and day out. It is essential to keep rehearsing the right thing, the right way, time after time, after time. Then, slowly, the bad habits which kept me trapped in the old ruts will fly right out the window and my new, good habits will keep me on track, even when the going gets rough. This is now the new normal! It’s what I always do! Now it feels natural. It’s my new autopilot. My new habits move me towards my goal of pleasing God and living right.
Your battle plan might look something like this:
Get rid of everything you might have related to porn—pictures, movies, links, etc.
Write in a journal every day about your feelings, goals, struggles, and successes.
Talk with someone who can help to hold you accountable and encourage you.
Read good books, take online courses, etc.
Remember, it’s not enough to stop doing what’s wrong. In order to become a better person, it is imperative that you fill your soul with that which only the Lord can give. Read and meditate on God’s word.
Memorize key Bible verses.
Talk with the Lord in prayer.
Work on improving your relationship with your spouse. Have fun together. Serve others together. Show your love in the little things—small acts of kindness.
Get out into nature, volunteer for a project, look for ways to help others.
Dig deeper in order to understand yourself and what led you to feel the need for this addiction. Counseling is a good idea.
Plan how you will deal with temptations and triggers before they happen.
I heard that a winner is a loser who keeps trying. Never forget that. Like everything worthwhile, building a life worth living requires time, effort, and perseverance. Permanent changes will not take place overnight. Have you heard how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time! Recovery is that way. It’s necessary to take small steps day by day, always with an eye on the finish line.
If I ever want to grow and improve as a person, I need people in my life who can help me look at myself in the mirror and perceive my actions as they really are. It doesn’t do me any good to be surrounded by people who tell me what a great guy I am when my life is in shambles. It is essential to talk with people who will point me to the truth and help me face reality. Willard said reality is what you run into when you are wrong. Someone else said: “The truth hurts, but lies kill.”
