Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Greatest Sinner of All?

I was never going to break free from pornography until I began to understand the seriousness of my problem. This is the first of the 12 Steps at AA:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. As long as I thought that my sin was bad, but not so bad, or that I was going to get past this on my own, nothing was ever going to change.

With God’s help I finally got to the point where I knew this could get infinitely worse if I did not seek help immediately.  That’s when I finally took my first step to freedom.

In 1 Timothy 1:15 the apostle Paul said: “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus  came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.”

Paul knew that what he had done was a grave crime.  He saw the severity of his actions.  He admitted his guilt.  That led him to seek change and to want to help others find help.  I had to see pornography for what it really is.  That’s why this post may not be G rated.  I told myself that looking at women was normal.  Women are beautiful.  They should be admired and appreciated.  But that is not what porn is.  Porn is using another human being as an object, let’s say “a piece of meat” to be used and abused for my own sexual arousal and satisfaction.

Since I wrote my book I have met many kind, helpful people.  Several of these have agreed to take the time to read my manuscript and give me honest feedback.  This is of course essential.  Yet, occasionally I don’t agree with their point of view.  Recently one dear brother told me:

“One thing perhaps you could have done without is the regular reflections of the past in every chapter of the book.  Statements like, “I was a slave to porn” and “I regret so much what I did” are fitting for some chapters, but sound over applied in other chapters. It creates a tone that feels like a book-length apology.”

While I certainly can see what he’s talking about and I want to end my book on a positive note, I still am not sure that I agree.  Yes, Jesus forgives sinners.  Jesus forgave the apostle Paul and I believe he has forgiven me as well.  But as I look back on how I participated in lusting after women created by our Father, I can’t help but feel eternally sad and eternally sorry for my part in this crime.  A book-length apology is far too short for the gravity of this sin.

I don’t beat myself up over it every day.  But the more I talk with others about finding a way out of pornography the more I see how everyone gets hurt and how all of us are abusers as well as victims.  Maybe the porn industry took advantage of me but I did not say “NO!” I’ll never treat a human being like that.

I heard that in AA they have a saying that the person who cannot remember their last drink has not had it yet.  Recognizing sin for what it is, helps me pursue God and understand that holiness is a far better way to live.

Looking in the mirror and remembering that I am a sinner saved by the grace and mercy of our Lord helps me rejoice and be glad now on this day aptly named “The Present”.