How Do I Separate My Art From Its Outcome?

I have expectations.

I struggle with this.

Every day I struggle with this.

Every time I sit down to type words to screen or put pen to paper or press publish on one of my posts, I have expectations. When I spend years writing and rewriting, hating and not hating, anxiously trying to create a novel that speaks to my heart, I expect the world to read it.

I’m not one of those writers who can be OK not being heard; who takes solace in the therapeutic nature of the craft. My goal is to inspire. To touch the world with my words. To pull readers into the worlds I create with those words and have them linger and feel and reflect and enjoy. This isn’t pressure. This is the expectation.

Expectations

My expectations are partly rooted in my upbringing. There were no celebrations for making the honour roll in eighth grade. No jumping up and down when I accepted a full athletic scholarship to a division one university. As a Carter, success was never voluntary, it was assumed.

And I’m OK with that. I’m not sure I’d have it any other way. The demand I put on my self has pushed me to be a better writer, has brought me above average income, has influenced the way I parent. It’s made me passionate and persistent; characteristics that protrude all aspects of my life.

Tightrope

But expectations have also placed me on a tightrope. Every step feels measured. Every failure feels catastrophic. The push for more is continuous and enjoying small victories laborious. Balancing the acknowledgement of my accomplishments with my mind telling me I haven’t done shit is a battle I often lose.

I struggle with this.

How can I convince myself to enjoy the journey when I’ve suffered on its paths? Felt let down at wrong turns. Slipped on its roads and dug rocks out from under my feet.

I struggle with this. I’m getting to the point where I’ll always struggle with this. How can I divorce myself from outcome…

How Do I Separate My Art From Its Outcome? was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.