Only in Novels Ten

Ten Things Women Do Only in Novels

Are Purseless: Women in novels rarely carry purses. In real life, that's like being a medic without a carry-in. I'm not particularly in love with purses -- I own exactly one -- but I feel unarmed if I go anywhere without it. There are exceptions, of course; my daughter flatly refuses to carry one (something I secretly admire, actually.)

Confront an Intruder: I am amazed at how often women in novels will get out of bed in the middle of the night to investigate the glass-breaking sound out in the living room. Alone, unarmed, drowsy and dressed in my pajamas? I'm going to do the sensible thing and call 911 on the cordless as I climb out through a window and run away.

Dash on Makeup: I don't wear makeup anymore, but back when I did it took at least ten minutes, not the five seconds it takes in novels, to apply. Now there are so many different products I think you need a degree in chemistry to figure out how to use them. Also, women in novels all seem to be makeup experts who always get it on perfectly the first try. I envy this greatly, as I have never gotten it on right the first try.

Eat Indiscriminantly: Calories remain completely uncounted in novel world. Or maybe the food has no calories, or all the women there have incredible metabolisms which allow them to eat anything they want and never gain an ounce. Which is why I want to go live in Novel World. Now, please?

Flaunt Their Scars: No matter what physical or emotional trauma was involved, novel women like to show off their scars. They often dress specifically to reveal them, and have no problem discussing -- with total strangers -- how they got them. This is certainly a healthy attitude, but not a realistic one. Those of us who have noticeable scars usually dress to cover them up so we don't upset other people or have to talk about them.

Have No Allergies: Women in novels are disgustingly healthy in general, and almost always allergic to nothing. I marvel at this, especially during the Spring when most of my female friends are mainlining Claritin just so they can walk outside to get the mail. My mom is so allergic to mangoes simply touching one makes her break out in a rash. I'm the same with ficus trees. It doesn't seem fair.

Never Use Mobiles: Another reason I'd like to go live on Fiction Planet; none of the women who inhabit it are on their cell phones 24/7. In my world I can't escape the mobile phone addicted females; they're everywhere. And the texting while driving. God. Don't even get me started on that.

Wear Any Old Thing to Go Out: Outside the chicklit genre women in novels appear supremely unconcerned with how they dress. They're almost like guys in how little they think about their clothes. Not so in real life; just find yourself an average lady and watch what happens when she has to get dressed to leave the house. Nations have risen and fallen in less time. While you're at it, bring popcorn, a drink and a comfortable lawn chair for the makeup and hair phase of getting ready to go out.

What have you noticed that women do only in novels? Add your observations in comments.