“The second I started it was off to the races. I was twelve...

“The second I started it was off to the races.  I was twelve or thirteen.  It’s the age you begin to realize that there’s some sort of norm.  You notice there’s a fellowship of people who can engage with each other, and these people tend to act or dress a certain way.  I yearned for social interactions.  I’d spend hours replaying certain situations, trying to figure out what to say or do differently.  I hated what I saw in the mirror.  And it didn’t help that I was a middle schooler in the closet.  I think the downers slowed me down to a train of thought I could handle.  They made me less inward focused.  I stole the alcohol from my parents.  And I’d sell shit from the house for the weed and pills, or coke, or even crack.  My parents couldn’t trust me for five minutes.  They put a pool alarm on my door.  Then they took the door off completely.  I told myself they were controlling and delusional, until finally I broke down crying and asked for help.  Next month will be three years sober.  In the program we have a saying: ‘If you follow the rules, you’ll get a life beyond your wildest dreams.’  It sounds a little ‘culty’ but it’s true.  Of course my wildest dreams weren’t the highest hopes.  I just wanted the ability to interact with people.  And I wanted people who care about me.  Now I have both, and it’s a beautiful thing.”