Reading, Writing and TabooTopics by Memoirist Nancy Richards
Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Nancy Richards
Whenever I see a taboo, I just think that’s something we need to drag screaming out into the light and discuss. Because taboos are where our fears live, and taboos are the things that keep us tiny. Particularly for women.—Caitlin Moran
I am pleased to have Memoirist Nancy Richards return to share the story behind her second memoir, Mother, It’s Hard to Forgive You. In Nancy’s first memoir, Mother, I Don’t Forgive You, highlighted in this post “Standing In My Truth”, she explores the need to take time to heal from an abusive childhood at the hands of her mother before forgiving her. In her new memoir, she takes it one step further to share how she reached a point of being able to forgive her mother, while ridding herself of the family scapegoat mantle, showing us how the journey of healing often occurs in stages.
My reviews of Mother, It’s Hard to Forgive You can be found on Amazon, Goodreads, LibraryThings and Riffle Books.
Welcome back, Nancy!
Memoirist Nancy Richards
Reading, Writing and Taboo Topics
I remember the day I fell in love with the written word. It was the moment Mrs. Links, my third-grade teacher, cracked open Charlotte’s Web and introduced me to the troubled yet triumphant life of an emotional little pig named Wilber and his compassionate spider friend, Charlotte.
At the time, I had just lost my beloved father to a brain aneurysm. Before I could even catch my breath, my dad was replaced by a new man who along with my mother created an unfamiliar, dark world that I could never have imagined.
As she read aloud, Mrs. Links offered me a refuge where creatures shared caring relationships that included emotional connections and who strengthened one another in the midst of trial and triumph. From that day forward, I continued to seek out books that shone a light on the deep recesses of my wounded mind.
By the time I reached adulthood and I was ready to deal with my own trauma, child abuse was only beginning to be publicly acknowledged. And yet, I watched the backlash that erupted after the release of the bold and controversial 1978 book, Mommy Dearest, by Christina Crawford. The societal storm that followed her publication rocked me to my core.
I also had faced a backlash when I began telling people my story of abuse and betrayal. The “bad mommy taboo” hit me square in the gut! People responded to me with statements that ranged from, “You only have one mother.”, or “Why can’t you just forgive, forget, and accept your mother for who she is?”, or “You should not say bad things about your mother. I don’t believe the things you talk about happened.”, to “I don’t understand why you don’t get along with your mother. She seems nice to me.”, and “You’ll live to regret making negative remarks about your mother. What’s past is past…” But my experiences were not in the past. All the responsibility for a normal relationship with my mother was portrayed as one-sided; the blame for our damaged bond was mine and mine alone.
It was plain to me that telling others I had an abusive mother, or challenging the expectation to forgive too soon, and later openly admitting that I was estranged from my entire family were all taboo subjects.
So what do we do when the mother-daughter bond is broken by abuse and betrayal? How do we heal when talking about our trauma is forbidden? How do we find validating stories when the subject matter is taboo?
When I set out to heal from the past, my frustration at not finding the information I needed was piercing. The isolation I felt gave me the sense that I was the only one who lived the kind of trauma I endured. After years of blazing my own healing trail, I felt compelled to lighten the load for other survivors by sharing my story. It wasn’t until I mustered the courage to write publicly about these taboo subjects that I realized I wasn’t the only one who had an abusive mother or agonized over the embarrassment and rejection of estrangement. And, although I was certain there were other survivors who also suffered from the damaging effects of forced forgiveness, I had no idea how many people were searching for the validation they needed to set aside forgiveness so they could heal.
After the first edition of Mother, I Don’t Forgive You came out in 2005, a reviewer opened his analysis with his definition of scapegoating. In a couple of short sentences, he clearly explained and labeled a concept I’d spent years trying to describe. What a relief!
As a young adult, I used to refer to myself as a scapegoat, but I couldn’t succinctly describe to others what the term meant. The reviewer not only defined the expression, but he also validated that scapegoating was a universally recognized behavior and gave me the gift that I was not alone in my experience! These realizations helped me heal at a deeper level and aided me in writing, Mother, It’s Hard to Forgive You: Ridding Myself of the Family Scapegoat Mantle.
A scapegoat is a person or animal which takes on the sins of others, or is unfairly blamed for problems. The concept originally comes from Leviticus, in which a goat is designated to be cast into the desert with the sins of the community. Other ancient societies had similar practices. In psychology and sociology, the practice of selecting someone as a scapegoat has led to the concept of scapegoating.
― William Holman Hunt, 1854
Although sharing my story often feels vulnerable, I am very grateful whenever someone reaches out to let me know that my story helped them heal, or when someone such as the reviewer offers me a moment of clarity. Years of healing helped me articulate my story and writing my story helped me heal some more.
In many ways, the cycle of healing and writing, then writing from a more healed place, and back again, gives me the opportunity to turn my negative experiences into positive ones by advocating for other survivors. Offering hope, empathy, and validation to others is not only helpful to them but also soothes my soul as we connect in our mutual humanity.
When our society holds on too tight to sacred belief systems—without ever questioning the merit of those systems—we weaken those beliefs. Sometimes questioning or even dismantling sacred beliefs such as forgiveness, motherhood, and holding the family together at all costs can, over time, rebuild and strengthen those same belief systems.
Boldly writing about topics considered taboo can break those taboos and connect the writer and the reader in healing ways that can only come from sharing our stories.
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Thank you Nancy for having the courage to acknowledge the abuse you endured and for sharing your healing story so that others who suffer abuse can know they are not alone; healing from abuse is possible.
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Book Synopsis:
What happens when the mother-daughter bond is broken by betrayal?
After a childhood plagued with physical and emotional violence and a fourteen-year estrangement from her entire family, Nancy Richards discovers herself at a crossroads. The mother she had both loved and feared as a child reached her by telephone to offer an apology for her abuse and to express a desire for reconciliation.
As she looks into the rearview mirror of her life and at the horrors inflicted by her mother, Nancy must decide whether to risk the safety of her present life or remain an orphan of circumstances. Is there really any reason to go back for more?
Richards takes the reader on an emotional and inspirational journey offering hope that healing from violence in families may be possible.
This is Book 2 of a two-book series. The other book in the series is “Mother, I Don’t Forgive You: A Necessary Alternative for Healing.” This volume also works well as a stand-alone book.
About the Author:
Nancy Richards is an adult survivor of childhood abuse, the lucky mother of two engaging adult daughters, and the grandmother of one energetic grandson. She is a retired businesswoman and former co-owner of a large wholesale food processing company in Seattle. Along with her husband, Richards makes her home in the greater Seattle area at the foot of the Pacific Northwest’s great outdoors.
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How about you? How do you handle taboo topics?
We’d love to hear from you. Please join in the conversation below~
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Next Week:
Monday, June 18, 2018:
“Our Stories Endure: A Memoir Moment”
