Time Passages

It's hard to image but Wednesday, October 26th will mark the 30th anniversary since my father's passing.  Though I can remember exactly what I wore the day of his funeral, what the weather was like, my own emotions; I have a hard time accounting for exactly where the last 30 years has gone.  In many ways, it feels like only yesterday I was visiting him bed side.  He had gone blind from his illness but we held hands as we talked quietly about nothing really.  I kept things light and right before he fell asleep I remember him saying "I'll see you tomorrow" and as I left his room I knew I would not.  I was only 24 and he, a mere 63, we were both way too young.

At 24 I had no idea what the future would hold, how 30 years would feel now as I looked back on that day. My memories of him are faint and distant, like watching a film of a time long past.  I remember when I realized that he had been dead more than alive in my life, that I spent more time at the cemetary where he is buried, than we might have actually spent together when he was alive.

I  think of him every day and my house is full of photographs of him.  I often ponder the passage of time, especially on significant anniversaries, such as this one.  How do we measure the passing of time?  I know I am aging but I still feel like "me."  I see how others age and this reminds me of time moving on. Technology continues to change, along with fashion, food tastes, politics.

As a writer who writes about vampires, I am often pondering time.  How must it feel to not only lose all your loved ones, but your sense of self as the centuries pass and the world changes?  Time continues to flow with you in it's grasp, yet your memories of the people and places that you called "home" fade? How could I experience such emotion in order to make my characters more real?

I took 30 years and tried to imagine 300 years and in doing so I realized that my father is a feeling, a presence that lives inside my mind and heart, no matter the time and place. Carrying my loved ones inside of me keeps me feeling human, a part of something much bigger, whole; yet I still miss him.