SEA JUMPING

I don’t write much anymore.  I haven’t needed to.

I started my blog years ago as a way of releasing the voices in my head that had grown so loud I couldn’t trust reality anymore.  These voices played havoc on my relationships and nearly cost me my life.  At the time I had a friendship I cherished.  In many ways the friendship was a breath of fresh air at a time when I really needed it.  I used that friendship to escape some serious issues and I let it devour me in ways I never should have allowed.

It marked my midlife crisis.  I learned so much about myself.

Who I was. Who I am. Who I want to be.

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I know what it’s like

To have everyone

Look at you

As if you’ve

Lost your mind

Because I have

I know now

What it feels like

To be driven to the brink

Poked and prodded

Laughed at and discouraged

Instigated into reacting

So that I was the one

You could point at

As your biggest problem

I was your sympathy card

I was just a game you played

And you won

You played me well

I was broken and ready to jump

And I did

But not for the reason you think

I jumped because I knew

It was the only way to save myself

I fell into the ocean

With open wounds

And the pain

Swallowed me for awhile

But the waves carried me

And the wind sang to me

And the stars guided me

And even when storms

Threatened my survival

I knew jumping was right

That I was better off

Letting the sea devour me

Than allowing you to

Manipulate and bite at me

I let the sea cleanse me

And the sun warm me

Until I was ready

To once again believe

That friendship could be

What I once enjoyed it to be