Everybody In! Just Kidding, Everyone Get the Heck Out!!!!!!

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It has been many years since our Southern weather has been this cold. No snow to play in, no, of course not, just blistering wind, wind chill temperatures that will bite your ass, chapped lips/face/skin, and fridged cold that rips right through you. Now, I know there are places that are a lot colder but I don’t choose to live there, I choose to live in the South were things aren’t supposed to be this freaking cold.

We have had wind chills that I swear to God Himself were 400 below 0 but according to the weather guy were more like 9 or 12 degrees. This is highly unusual for our area and I don’t like it one bit as there are bodies everywhere in my house staying warm and driving the crap out of me, though I love all of them dearly.

We also just got over a 2-week winter break where everyone was home and underfoot and I swear to the good Lord above, I was so stabby I thought someone was going to get hurt . . . by me. Now that it is cold, everyone seems to be pressing their bodies near mine and I feel like I’m gonna lose it. My kids are near me demanding food, money, and hugs, eck, hugs . . . just kidding but I can be hugged so much and then I start to implode. Too much touchy, not good for me.

I work from home in my lovely OT clinic most days and I like having the house to myself but instead, I have the Professor, who seems to be here a lot lately, and between he and I, there is so much stabby-ness, one of us is going to lose an eye. We NEVER fight but lately, we keep tiffing, not really fighting but just being goofy stabby, and I feel just crazy. I got upset last night because our WiFi sucks and our TV was messing up because of it and I just kinda lost it for a little bit. The Professor looked at me like I was insane and I believe I very well was, just for a minute. He has been weird stabby too and saying things that are unusual for him.

All these bodies in this 2500 square foot house refusing to venture outside because of the cold and working from home right alongside me, well, my panties are so waded up right now I text my mom and two sisters that I was leaving for Tahiti to work on a sugar cane farm and living in a hut in the warm all by myself. Of course, my mom and sisters freak out and think that something is terribly wrong when I talk like this and fear there will be a divorce or I will abandon my children, not gonna happen, I just like to dream sometimes of escaping for a bit to re-energize and center myself when I’ve gotten so thrown off course, ya know?

I have read about those retreats for women in Arizona and realize that I don’t think that we have anything like that here and I think to myself, well, maybe I can start some retreat up on Monte Sano or on a ranch out in New Hope where there is a heated pool, sauna, jacuzzi, and a room that has those lights that mimic the sun and help with sadness. We’d drink, dance, meditate, do yoga, and whatever else our female hearts desire.

If it wasn’t 400 below 0, we could hike and be one with nature cuz nature is so good for your soul, not kidding, scientifically proven. I’d have an adult playground where we could swing, slide, jump on a trampoline if you aren’t one to pee your pants, play on the monkey bars, and climb because we can’t stop being young, y’all, we just can’t. There would be massages, pedicures, manicures, horses, dogs, rabbits, and mini-pigs as these are very therapeutic for your soul. I’d call it “The Southern Chick Retreat.” I’d have any kind of food you’d want, not just health food. It would be awesome. Now, I just need to win the lottery.

I know I am not the only chick that feels this way, especially after the holidays, in the dead of winter, with unusually low temperatures, and less sun than we’d like but know that you are not alone in your quest for space, peace, and quiet.

I am counting down the days to springing forward with our clocks so there is more light, fewer bodies, and warmer weather.

Hang in there, y’all, we got this!

Love y’all!!