A Few Quick Things, vol. 81

It’s only the middle of December and I’ve already had two white-knuckle rides because of the snow. Last Saturday Toney and I were out ‘n’ about and it started coming down. According to some weather app (who the hell knows?) it wasn’t supposed to amount to anything, so I suggested we have lunch at Cracker Barrel. I’m always angling to go to Cracker Barrel. I say it as a joke, but it’s not far from the truth: I could eat every one of my meals for the rest of my life there. It ranks high on the ‘Sue Me, I Like It’ list. If you’d like to share some items from your list, please do so in the comments.

Anyway, it went from nothing to slick in short order. I had to brake on a bridge in Scranton, and my wheels were no longer turning but my car continued moving forward at an unabated speed. It was unnerving. And when we got on I-81 it was a complete mess. It looked like some brand of Armageddon was underway on the northbound side, and southbound was just creeping along. It was also icy. Toney suggested we abandon our mission and return home, but the notion of chicken ‘n’ dumplings had already been activated. And once the activation of a notion is underway, there’s no way to reverse it.

We survived, needless to say, and our lunch was fantastic. But it was a little stressful. Nothing major, but there was definitely some intermittent puckering.

And last night’s ride home from work sucked, as well. Both times I was driving in the worst of it. Neither “snow event” added up to much, I just happened to catch them both when they were at the height of their powers. Interstate 81 was covered, and the left lane was full-on slick. So, you had these assholes driving at 25 mph with their flashers on, and when you went around… you had to venture into no man’s land. Over there it sounds different, and feels different, and I’m not really a fan. It took me an hour to get home, and I could feel the tension in my shoulders. Tension loves a shoulder.

So, this is the way it’s going to be, huh? All winter long? Well, that’s simply fantastic.

This morning I was dragging our trash cans to the curb, ’cause Thursday is trash day, and fell in the driveway. Yes, I was wearing flip-flops in the snow. What of it? I landed on my left knee, and it’s all skinned up and achy. As I tried to get up I slipped again, and did a secondary wallow. It was far from satisfactory.

I hate the heat and humidity of August and September, but don’t care for this crap either. Everybody thinks you have to pick one or the other. But I have room in my heart to hate both.

On Sunday I was looking for some fingernail clippers. I have my own, and keep them in a specific spot inside the bunker. But they disappear all the time, and it makes me crazy. I ask the kids about it, and they claim to know nothing. That’s boolshit, of course. It’s a little dance o’ the tards we do here at Chez Kay.

So, I went to Rite-Aid to buy more. I know exactly where they are, because this is not the first time I’ve had to do this. However… they apparently did some remodeling since the last time I was there. Everything was in a different spot, including the checkout counter. What in the high-pitched hell?? I had to scour every square inch of that horrible place to find the nail clippers. And I saw these things hanging everywhere: magnifying glasses on retractable lines. Have you seen this? I guess they’re for the seasoned citizens who can’t see very well? It’s a new one to me.

Eventually I found the clippers, and they had roughly 25 to choose from. Everything is super-complicated now. Whenever I buy toothpaste, for instance, my brain nearly shorts-out because of the giant wall of Crest. I zeroed in on the regular normal-people clippers which were three for $2, with your Plenti card. Or $1 each without it.

I had no idea what a Plenti card was, but figured it wouldn’t take too long to sign up. Right? I asked the guy at the counter about it, and he sighed theatrically. Clearly, he didn’t want to sign me up. So, that decided it: I’m signing up. And now I have yet another card that I’ll put in my wallet, never use, and eventually throw in a drawer because it’s getting too crowded in Cardville. I have lots and lots of “discount” cards, and use two of them: Sheetz and Weis (a grocery store). I have a Panera card and a Subway card. It’s ludicrous. I’m starting to develop a bad case of Costanza-wallet. It’s almost time for another culling.

What’s your relationship with discount cards? Which ones do you actually use? And what’s the ratio of the ones you NEVER use to the ones you do use? It’s gotta be 10 to 1 in my case. Maybe higher.

And by the way, those three new fingernail clippers might last me six months. They’ll begin disappearing any moment now, into the sucking black abyss that is our kids’ bedrooms. Many things enter, and nothing exits. Including coffee mugs… goddamn dinner plates… cutlery of all description… I continuously operate on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. In fact, like Gladys Kravitz, I have a sick-headache right now.

Before I call it a day here, I’d like to get your thoughts on this year’s Rock n Roll Hall of Fame inductees, announced yesterday. I don’t really understand the criteria they use to decide these things. It’s all very baffling, and seemingly random. I like the Cars, have no opinion about the Moody Blues, am not a fan of Bon Jovi, and don’t think Dire Straits is worthy. Nina Simone is legendary, but I’m no expert. That’s my read on it. Hey, whatever. Husker Du and the Replacements and the Smiths and the Jam, etc. etc. are not in. But Dire Straits is? It seems bizarre to me, but it’s not like I really give a shit one way or the other.

Oh, and one more quick thing. My brain nearly melted-down a few nights ago while watching the final episode of the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Check out this scene, and note the six people Larry cites while trying to bullshit his way out of yet another delicate situation he created. What the?! That one truly caught me by surprise.

I need to go to work now. I hope you guys have a great day. Please remember to buy loads of expensive items immediately after clicking through one of our Amazon links. It’s much appreciated!

See you again on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker

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