A eulogy for Charles Manson

What can anyone say about Charles Manson? He looked kind of scary, with that swastika inked onto his forehead. But he also looked kind of hot, especially when he was younger. Like James Franco. They should get Franco to play Manson in the new biopic blockbuster.

Charles Manson said a lot of weird shit. Some of it sounded ominous. He once proclaimed that when he died, the world would end. Well, he got that one wrong. We’re still here. At least for a little while.

Actually, Manson kind of looked like Jesus. Don’t you think? A little bit. There’s probably something to that.…

Manson did a great job of freaking out reporters. Imagine sitting across from some dude who didn’t care about his life, or yours. And on top of that he was saying weird shit and acting funny. That’d make you nervous, too.

We can’t say that Charles Manson contributed nothing to society. Look at all the horror movies he inspired. And that TV show. And the books. And the t-shirts. And the websites, and so forth. And the jokes.

You probably don’t even know what Manson did. You just know the name, and what he looks like. And that he’s scary.

Charles Manson gave comedians endless material. Basically, you could slam someone hard by comparing them to Manson somehow.

You probably still can, for decades to come.

Let’s not forget how he inspired the goth-rock scene of the 1990s.

After all, we have Charles Manson to thank for Marilyn Manson. That’s where he got the name. Could you imagine the other options? The only worse guy from that era was Lee Harvey Oswald, or maybe James Earl Ray.

Think about it. Marilyn Oswald. Marilyn Ray. Nope, it just doesn’t work.

Believe it or not, Charles Manson once hoped for a career in music. He wrote dark songs about sex and death. Something something something about the tragedy of failed art. Something something something a turn to the dark side. If only he hadn’t given up.

And lastly, let’s remember that Charles Manson was far from the worst person on earth. Surely by now, we must understand that somehow our sick culture selected him as the dark hole into which we cast all of our fears, anxieties, and hatred. Evil’s a lot easier to deal with when you think you’ve locked it up in a super max, and you only see it on TV.

Manson talked about Nixon a few times. Somewhere in his twisted brain, he knew he was making a statement. Just because evil wears a tie and knows how to say the right things, that shouldn’t terrify you any less. And now, may Marilyn Manson forever rest in peace. Shit, I mean Charles Manson. Charles. Sorry about that. Now let’s break out the booze.

A eulogy for Charles Manson was originally published in The Hit Job on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.