Fall panic.
So, the universe is conspiring.
I had a loose plan...come up in the beginning of the summer. Write. Meditate. Swim. Hang out with my family, write some more, bike, run, focus. I didn't know, exactly, where I would be going when October rolled around – probably back to the cities, but maybe somewhere new. Life has a way of hitting me with a flat iron when it comes to future plans...so I wasn't worried when it came to figuring it all out.
But then the days got long. The writing was great, the meditation was swell, the swimming and biking and running were welcome diversions. The hanging out with my family stuff...tough. Not as I had expected. Daniel was working all the time, and too much time with my mom and dad usually plays out to tense arguments and the airing-out of years-old grudges. I love my family, but I think we could all agree that we love each other a lot more when we're not forced to be around each other all the time.
So then you already know the story: A barista job opened up at a local coffee joint that I had always wanted to work at. I figured it would be a good way to get me off the compound and earn a few extra dollas to put towards my books and business(es). And then I found that I really liked it. And had a lot of ideas for it. And had a boss who was really enthusiastic about all of those ideas.
And then (we're gonna go through a list of "And Then's" just to take all of us through the process of this:)
An Emergency Dispatch job opened up in Hayward. Emergency Dispatch is something that I've wanted to get into for over a year now, because it greatly supplements my disaster relief aspirations. And as soon as I saw the position in the paper, I remember thinking to myself, "Shit...I'm gonna end up staying here, aren't I?"
Which is one of those thoughts that you have and then immediately push out of your head, because the truth is kind of unbearable and you don't want to believe it and why don't you just go fuck yourself, brain, and stop trying to tell me stuff I don't want to hear.
And then:
I applied for the Em. Dispatch job, and the next night, I had my first "What am I going to do in October?" I could do anything, I told myself...I could move to Washington, I could go back to Minneapolis, I could fly to Australia and be a homeless person living on the beach just like my mom has always expected me to turn out to be. But the thing was, I realized as I stared up at the ceiling, I had all these options, yet no real plan. And with that, the little beads of panic started to rise up.
And then:
The next day, I'm asked to come in and interview for the Em. Dispatch job.
And then:
That same night, my friend Adam tells me that he's moving back into what is only the 2nd most dope place in Hayward (the #1 is beyond - think penthouse, think model home, think Dwell - and is currently being used for eternity by its current inhabitant). This is the apartment that I told myself, years and years ago, that the only way I would only ever even consider moving back to Hayward was if I could live in this apartment. And then Adam asks me to be his roommate. And then tells me what the rent will be. And then mentions that it's fully furnished. The memory of me selling off and giving away most of my possessions this winter and spring rushes through my head.
I give him a loose yes. Yes, if I land the opportunity I'm going for, then yes.
And then:
I do a book reading at a local library, and my boss at the coffeeshop tells me to bring my books in and sell them there. I do. Within the two days, they're flying out the door.
And then:
I do a little research on the local Red Cross chapter and their disaster relief training. I find out that out of all the relief volunteers who deploy out to disasters, their chapter is responsible for 60% of them. I email the lead of the chapter and get this string of totally doable dates upon which I can start training to join the corps.
And then:
I get an Emergency Dispatch job.
And then:
I tell my boss at the coffeeshop that I'm probably staying, and she offers me the opportunity to implement some of the ideas that I had come up with for the place. It's an exciting endeavor that will allow me to flex all the skills that I've been carefully crafting over the past year in terms of social networking and promotion and build other skills that will come in handy for future projects. It's an opportunity that I can't turn down.
So. I guess I'm staying at least through the winter.
The thing is, I don't want to stay here. That's the most ironic thing to me...the fact that this is the one place where I never ever wanted to live again, and for some reason everything is aligning to keep me here. This eerie feeling that everything in the past year was merely a build-up to bring me here and make me stay...it's kind of creepy. Like the apartment thing...I knew I wanted to get rid of most of my stuff after the epiphany last summer. And the thought that kept floating through my mind, through the Craigslist sales and trips to Goodwill and the packing and all that was just this constant, "You won't need this. It will only weigh you down." And now I've moved into an apartment where I'm grateful and glad that I only have what I ended up with. The apartment is beautiful and comfortable (and I get to sleep in a loft again!) but it's small. Everything that I have? Fits. Anything else that I might have kept? Wouldn't have.
And that's just a small part of it. The connections I've made up here for the book, the businesses, and other ventures have kind of made my head spin. I won't go into it right now, because it will get exhausting, but. 10-69, universe. Noted.
So I gave in about two weeks ago and made the final decision to stay here through the winter and see how this all plays out. It is still a struggle, though. It's not that Hayward is absolutely horrible – there's actually a lot of cool people and things about this town/area – it's that...it's hard to find the center, here. And I keep waiting for that moment of panic, revulsion. That "What am I doing here??!!" moment. Which is coming. It's going to happen. And I already know from the last time I was here that the panic can be palatable. There has to be something to look forward to, there has to be an anchor. It's easy to get lost, here. You need a list of things to wake up to in the morning to remind you of who you are. And it has to be a good one, otherwise all I'm going to feel is that sense that I'm growing older by the day, I'm going to waste away here, the best years of my life will be spent in this dead end town, I left all my friends and all those possibilities for nothing...
So I'm banking all of my spare time into writing and building out my businesses (because, if you've at all been following my Facebook or Twitter these past few months, I sure as hell will not be spending that time on finding a soulmate up here). The good thing about my booming social life in Hayward is that I'll probably get so bored that I'll just write every single book in my head within the year. And travel. Adam – my friend and now roommate – and I are making plans to go to Italy in the winter (or rather, he's making plans to rent a flat there for a month and I will be joining him for a week or two during that month). I'm keeping my eye on the international relief goal, which is crucial during the 5 am wake-ups on my dispatch training days. I sometimes, though, feel a little bit like Adam and I are working the logging camps or Alaskan fisheries, putting in long hours and suffering through so we can bank the pay that will get us somewhere closer to where we want to be. Impermanent. A means to an end. Take full advantage of every second of your spare time, because this is the one time and place where you don't want to waste it.
I've got my North Face jacket. Things should be fine.
I had a loose plan...come up in the beginning of the summer. Write. Meditate. Swim. Hang out with my family, write some more, bike, run, focus. I didn't know, exactly, where I would be going when October rolled around – probably back to the cities, but maybe somewhere new. Life has a way of hitting me with a flat iron when it comes to future plans...so I wasn't worried when it came to figuring it all out.
But then the days got long. The writing was great, the meditation was swell, the swimming and biking and running were welcome diversions. The hanging out with my family stuff...tough. Not as I had expected. Daniel was working all the time, and too much time with my mom and dad usually plays out to tense arguments and the airing-out of years-old grudges. I love my family, but I think we could all agree that we love each other a lot more when we're not forced to be around each other all the time.
So then you already know the story: A barista job opened up at a local coffee joint that I had always wanted to work at. I figured it would be a good way to get me off the compound and earn a few extra dollas to put towards my books and business(es). And then I found that I really liked it. And had a lot of ideas for it. And had a boss who was really enthusiastic about all of those ideas.
And then (we're gonna go through a list of "And Then's" just to take all of us through the process of this:)
An Emergency Dispatch job opened up in Hayward. Emergency Dispatch is something that I've wanted to get into for over a year now, because it greatly supplements my disaster relief aspirations. And as soon as I saw the position in the paper, I remember thinking to myself, "Shit...I'm gonna end up staying here, aren't I?"
Which is one of those thoughts that you have and then immediately push out of your head, because the truth is kind of unbearable and you don't want to believe it and why don't you just go fuck yourself, brain, and stop trying to tell me stuff I don't want to hear.
And then:
I applied for the Em. Dispatch job, and the next night, I had my first "What am I going to do in October?" I could do anything, I told myself...I could move to Washington, I could go back to Minneapolis, I could fly to Australia and be a homeless person living on the beach just like my mom has always expected me to turn out to be. But the thing was, I realized as I stared up at the ceiling, I had all these options, yet no real plan. And with that, the little beads of panic started to rise up.
And then:
The next day, I'm asked to come in and interview for the Em. Dispatch job.
And then:
That same night, my friend Adam tells me that he's moving back into what is only the 2nd most dope place in Hayward (the #1 is beyond - think penthouse, think model home, think Dwell - and is currently being used for eternity by its current inhabitant). This is the apartment that I told myself, years and years ago, that the only way I would only ever even consider moving back to Hayward was if I could live in this apartment. And then Adam asks me to be his roommate. And then tells me what the rent will be. And then mentions that it's fully furnished. The memory of me selling off and giving away most of my possessions this winter and spring rushes through my head.
I give him a loose yes. Yes, if I land the opportunity I'm going for, then yes.
And then:
I do a book reading at a local library, and my boss at the coffeeshop tells me to bring my books in and sell them there. I do. Within the two days, they're flying out the door.
And then:
I do a little research on the local Red Cross chapter and their disaster relief training. I find out that out of all the relief volunteers who deploy out to disasters, their chapter is responsible for 60% of them. I email the lead of the chapter and get this string of totally doable dates upon which I can start training to join the corps.
And then:
I get an Emergency Dispatch job.
And then:
I tell my boss at the coffeeshop that I'm probably staying, and she offers me the opportunity to implement some of the ideas that I had come up with for the place. It's an exciting endeavor that will allow me to flex all the skills that I've been carefully crafting over the past year in terms of social networking and promotion and build other skills that will come in handy for future projects. It's an opportunity that I can't turn down.
So. I guess I'm staying at least through the winter.
The thing is, I don't want to stay here. That's the most ironic thing to me...the fact that this is the one place where I never ever wanted to live again, and for some reason everything is aligning to keep me here. This eerie feeling that everything in the past year was merely a build-up to bring me here and make me stay...it's kind of creepy. Like the apartment thing...I knew I wanted to get rid of most of my stuff after the epiphany last summer. And the thought that kept floating through my mind, through the Craigslist sales and trips to Goodwill and the packing and all that was just this constant, "You won't need this. It will only weigh you down." And now I've moved into an apartment where I'm grateful and glad that I only have what I ended up with. The apartment is beautiful and comfortable (and I get to sleep in a loft again!) but it's small. Everything that I have? Fits. Anything else that I might have kept? Wouldn't have.
And that's just a small part of it. The connections I've made up here for the book, the businesses, and other ventures have kind of made my head spin. I won't go into it right now, because it will get exhausting, but. 10-69, universe. Noted.
So I gave in about two weeks ago and made the final decision to stay here through the winter and see how this all plays out. It is still a struggle, though. It's not that Hayward is absolutely horrible – there's actually a lot of cool people and things about this town/area – it's that...it's hard to find the center, here. And I keep waiting for that moment of panic, revulsion. That "What am I doing here??!!" moment. Which is coming. It's going to happen. And I already know from the last time I was here that the panic can be palatable. There has to be something to look forward to, there has to be an anchor. It's easy to get lost, here. You need a list of things to wake up to in the morning to remind you of who you are. And it has to be a good one, otherwise all I'm going to feel is that sense that I'm growing older by the day, I'm going to waste away here, the best years of my life will be spent in this dead end town, I left all my friends and all those possibilities for nothing...
So I'm banking all of my spare time into writing and building out my businesses (because, if you've at all been following my Facebook or Twitter these past few months, I sure as hell will not be spending that time on finding a soulmate up here). The good thing about my booming social life in Hayward is that I'll probably get so bored that I'll just write every single book in my head within the year. And travel. Adam – my friend and now roommate – and I are making plans to go to Italy in the winter (or rather, he's making plans to rent a flat there for a month and I will be joining him for a week or two during that month). I'm keeping my eye on the international relief goal, which is crucial during the 5 am wake-ups on my dispatch training days. I sometimes, though, feel a little bit like Adam and I are working the logging camps or Alaskan fisheries, putting in long hours and suffering through so we can bank the pay that will get us somewhere closer to where we want to be. Impermanent. A means to an end. Take full advantage of every second of your spare time, because this is the one time and place where you don't want to waste it.
I've got my North Face jacket. Things should be fine.
No comments have been added yet.
