Getting My Ass Kicked By a Jacuzzi Tub

One of the key perks for buying the house we did was the huge, corner Jacuzzi tub in the master bathroom. Visions of long, late-night bubble baths with a glass of wine and zero f**ks given swam through my head on repeat. After the stressful summer we had, I was certain I would never leave that tub.

The first lesson I learned was shortly after we moved in. Never, under any circumstances, turn on the jets even when cleaning said tub, unless the water level covers all jets in the bathtub. I learned this the hard way when the top jets hosed down two walls in our bathroom - one of which is a good four feet away. Ahem.


But, perhaps the funniest lesson is never use Oil of Olay body wash as bubble bath in your Jacuzzi tub. Ever. Gather 'round.

I was having one of those days where nothing went right. Jake's back was hurting, so I decided I'd run a hot bath, turn the jets on and see if that helped provide him relief. I ran the bath to the appropriate level, squeezed a little body wash in to provide bubbles and that nice, relaxing lavender scent, and even got in to test the water levels to make sure everything was perfect. I really needed to relax, y'all. Since I was already in the bathtub, I figured Jake would find his way to the bathroom eventually, so I turned on the jets and leaned back to escape into utopia.

For about twenty seconds, everything was perfect. Water temp was just right, candles flickered, jets were beating away the stress from my day, and the bubbles were straight from a movie. Except, they kept growing... and growing... and growing. Now folks, this is a prize, stand-up product Oil of Olay makes. Can't get it to foam worth a damn in the shower, but it performs beautifully in a jacuzzi. That is, until I realized the bubbles threatened to reach the top of the tub. Shit! I jumped out of the tub, covered neck to toe in a bubbly suit you only see in movies and began bailing out handfuls of bubbles into my sink beside the tub.

Please, God, don't let Jake come in here right now. This is a huge fail - epic - and I just want to make this perfect for him because his back is really hurting. I bailed and bailed until my sink was damn-near overflowing with bubbles. I eyeballed Jake's sink then thought better of it. I could rinse these bubbles down the sink before he sees what happened, right? Wrong. Meanwhile, even with the jets turned off, the bubbles in the bathtub seemed to keep growing. My ego waved the white flag and yelled for Jake to bring me the biggest plastic bowl he could find.

I can only imagine what that must have looked like - me looking like I'd glued white cotton all over my body, leaving sudsy puddles across the bathroom as I bailed countless bowls full of bubbles into the bottom of our shower. I swear, there had to have been eight inches of bubbles standing in our shower before I was satisfied they wouldn't overflow in the bathtub. Jake settled into the bathtub first, then I followed suit ready to soak away this new level of stress that'd sunken into my chest.

But, when I filled the tub, I'd filled it to an appropriate water level for one - not two. We had to let some water out, and Jake reminded me that if one of us gets out, we'll have to turn the jets off first. (Remember that.) We both eyed the water and bubbles, looked at each other, and I pressed the button to turn on the jets. At first, it wasn't that bad. Then, I glanced over at Jake and saw nothing but a face floating in a sea of bubbles. No neck, no body... This was my first thought:
I looked around and saw the bubbles were multiplying again, so I jumped up in a fit of rage to start bailing bubbles again. See, you're already laughing, because you remember what Jake just told me about turning off the jets, aren't you? Yeah, I didn't. So the second my body weight left the water, the highest level of jets started spraying water all over the place- Jake included. I shut the jets off and looked at this train wreck of an attempted good deed and thought for sure I would burst into tears. How in the hell is it possible to screw up a bubble bath? Who is capable of doing that? Well, friends and fans, that'd be me.  None of this became funny until the next morning when I sent Brandy (one of my best friends from C-town) a string of exasperated Snapchats telling her about my epic fail bathtub fiasco. The first three Snapchats she sent me back were nothing but her belly-laughing and rolling around trying to breathe and speak. That's when all this became funny, and that's when I knew I had to blog about it.

So tonight, this is my Facebook status update from earlier as I was preparing for my next attempt at a jacuzzi experience. I feel it needs no further explanation, and Jake's response says it all. LOL

"Dear Jake:
No, that's not blood on the bathroom scale. I couldn't get the red candle lit and didn't realize my feeble attempt to light said candle upside down resulted in red candle wax dripping all over the scale. Oops. Remember, I'm pretty, and you love me."

He said (LOL), "You may get banned from the jet tub!"

I made sure to stay in there long enough for him to fall asleep on the couch, just in case I did something else that would solidify my fate of never being able to touch the bathtub again. I'm impressed he felt he could leave me unattended with it in the first place. LOL And, just for the record, that bath was pure bliss. Except I forgot my wine and couldn't convince myself to do the soaking-wet-walk-of-shame to the kitchen. Sigh ...