With Thanks to a “Terrible Son”

Three years ago I spent the month of May on Cape Cod, retreating from my daily life and working hard on two writing projects, enjoying a glorious spring along the shore, before the tourists invaded. Besides writing, I needed some time to put my perspectacles on and remember all the reasons I have to be grateful for my life. It’s easy to be grateful when walking on the tidal flats at low tide. See?

Mother’s Day hit while I was out on the Cape and I received an email from one of my sons which tickled me and led to the following post. I’m sharing it again because I feel as strongly now as I did then that thanking all the people in our lives who have mothered, nurtured, supported, and encouraged us is always important, not just on special days.

Dear Terrible Son

May 10, 2014

Dear Terrible Son,

I received your email this morning with “Terrible Son Alert” in the subject line. I was laughing before I opened it, because neither you or your brother would ever, ever be described by me as a “terrible son.”

So, you’re going camping tonight and don’t expect cell reception where you’ll be tomorrow, and you forgot to ask me for the Cape house address so there won’t be a card or a present. Egads. My life is ruined! I shall spend the day weeping and alone, NOT.

I can’t claim to 100% own the sentiments that Anne Lamott expresses in her wonderful essay, “Why I hate Mother’s Day,” but I do aspire to own them. I’m just not quite as noble as she is when she says:

“Mothering has been the richest experience of my life, but I am still opposed to Mother’s Day. It perpetuates the dangerous idea that all parents are somehow superior to non-parents. (Meanwhile, we know the worst, skeeviest, most evil people in the world are CEOs and politicians who are proud parents.)”

I agree that not all parents are superior to non-parents, but I’ve known a few non-parents who’ve made me scream internally too — especially those who love to give parenting advice.

I am more with Anne here, “But my main gripe about Mother’s Day is that it feels incomplete and imprecise. The main thing that ever helped mothers was other people mothering them; a chain of mothering that keeps the whole shebang afloat.” She goes on to talk about being who she is in spite of her mother and lists numerous folks who have supported and mothered her. Well, I agree, there are people, including my mother, who have supported and mothered me, but as Mother’s Day nears, I want to think about the others who have mothered you.

I want you and your brother to remember all the important people who contributed to who you are as adults — your kindergarten teachers, that amazing band director in middle school, Kumon instructors, saxophone teacher, piano teacher, choir director, theater directors, cross country coach, professors. I won’t remember them all, but you know who they are. Think of them and whisper a thank you to the universe. They helped me as much as you. I will always be grateful that you had the right people at the right times in your world. They each gave you things I could not. Ms. Lamott would say to acknowledge them all: “You want to give me chocolate and flowers? That would be great. I love them both. I just don’t want them out of guilt, and I don’t want them if you’re not going to give them to all the people who helped mother our children.” I always tried to impress on you and your brother the importance of thank yous. Write a thank you note to one of those teachers or coaches or directors who helped make you who you are. And know that your mother will happily enjoy chocolate or flowers any day of the year. :-) But, know what I miss the most about Mother’s Day when you guys were little? Hand made cards. Hint, hint, hint.

Much love forever and ever,

Your Mother

PS — Below is one of my favorite photos of you two when you were little. I remember taking the shot. This says Mother’s Day to me, beautiful memories of beautiful moments.

With Thanks to a “Terrible Son” was originally published in Pam Writes on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.