Sincerity, Smiles & Striving

We all have our masks; apparently mine is a smile. I was born with an optimistic nature, a glass half-full person. Nearing Christmas when I was quite young, our cat knocked over the newly decorated tree.

Crash!

“Oh shit!” came my mother’s voice from the green and gold living room in our 1960s era ranch.

I found her, teary-eyed, propping the tree back up. Not used to seeing my mommy upset, I tried to find the sunny side of the situation.

“Look at all the half-balls on the tree!” And at that, my mother managed a half-smile, probably thinking, what on earth have I born to this world? What is wrong with this girl?

By Produnis (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons; Image URL

Whatever she was thinking, that my friends is a rather classic example of a statement from a person born with the “let’s make the best of it” gene.

In high school, a friend of mine called me (privately — only in our notes to each other which was the 1970s form of texting) “eternally happy, PQP, plus quam perfectum, Pammy Parker”. The lengthy moniker bothered me. I wasn’t eternally happy; who is? And I worried that she thought I was faking happiness and we wrote back and forth about that. No, she didn’t think my happiness was superficial or fake. She said she envied my attitude.

But, like many folks in high school, I was struggling with who I was, or more seriously, what others thought of me. All I saw was everything “wrong” about me to my own eyes. Too short. Too smart. Too “uncool.” Not pretty and confident like my mom and older sister. Not strong and outspoken like them either.

And then, this eternally happy idea? What was that about? I don’t remember wrestling with it much more then, beyond asking Nancy in the 1970s version of WTF, which was, probably something like, “What the hell do you mean?” (We weren’t slaves to character limits back then.)

In adulthood, I’ve had to make some peace with the idea that as a creative, wired for over-sensitivity, and now someone who battles depression, I prefer to share smiles than struggles and sorrows. Does that mean that occasionally my smiles are insincere?

Yes, occasionally.

Because I have learned that sometimes I must choose to smile and in choosing, seek to make it be sincere. This is not about faking — it’s about striving for happiness.

That’s not a bad thing.

Ever.

Sincerity, Smiles & Striving was originally published in Pam Writes on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.