Happy Easter to the Enemies of the United States

Dear Nations Who Oppose the United States,

You know you cannot take on the power that is the United States government, so you might as well just comply with our demands. There is no use to opposing us. As you just saw, we have the power to destroy even tunnels and caves with our Massive Ordnance Air Blast bomb. Plus, we are very nuclear capable and able to knock you into the Stone Age.

Is it really worth taking on our military strength and our extensive array of troops stationed in roughly two-thirds of the world’s countries? Not to mention, we have plenty of allies who do our bidding, even if some of them are human rights abusers. Sometimes you have to compromise on principles to get what you want, but hey, you understand, right?

Please do not take this personally. It is just that you are standing in our path to global domination. If you surrender now, we will say something nice about you in the footnote of the history books that will be written by our historians after our victory. If you do not accept our offer, your place in history will be that of a monster that stood in the way of progress. Do not be a Godzilla. Be a dependent sheep that needs the protection and guidance of his shepherd.

To North Korea:

Stop developing your pointless missiles and nuclear weapons. All you are doing is making us mad, and if you continue such moves, we will use preemptive strikes to disable your capabilities to produce these programs. We may even add more economic sanctions to punish North Koreans for following your lead. We know that you do not care about your own people, but it sure makes us feel a lot better. We like to pretend that your attitude will change if we punish them economically, and hey, we are the world’s sole superpower, so we can do what we want.

Enclosed is your Easter present. It is a naval battle group deployed to the waters off of the Korean peninsula. We hope you will take serious considerations at changing your actions and becoming a good actor on the world stage. You really have nothing to worry about. I know our military exercises in the South have simulated invading your country, but that is just a precaution. I know we invaded, bombed, or manipulated Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Libya, Yemen, Somalia, Pakistan, Serbia, Iran, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Grenada, Nicaragua, Indonesia, Vietnam, Congo, etc. over the years, but they did not cooperate with our demands. You have the power to prevent another American invasion. Please think about.

To China:

We appreciate you meeting our wishes in regards to North Korea. Only when every country on Earth cooperates with the global order do we have peace and stability. However, you must do more to reign in the independent spirit of Kim Jung Un. Also, your behavior in the South China Sea has been disgusting. Everyone knows that that body of water is international territory patrolled and enforce by us. Building up your military and turning reefs into bases is deplorable. We respectfully request that you begin to accept that your military strength will never be as great as ours, and attempting further aggression in the region may be met with increased deployments by American troops. No other country on the planet is allowed to compete with us. It is part of the Wolfowitz Doctrine. Look it up. It is as legitimate as the Monroe Doctrine.

To Iran:

We know that we just took away your nuclear capability despite you being surrounded by American troops in the Middle East, Europe, and Central, South, and East Asia and the nuclear capable countries of China, Russia, Israel, Pakistan, and India. But really you should thank us because we removed the economic sanctions that were detrimental to the Persian people. Plus, we gave you back that $100 billion that we stole from you years ago. Since you are kind of a threat to Israel’s domination of the Middle East and a resolution favorable to our needs in Syria, you must stop supporting Assad the Butcher and Hezbollah. We know common sense and logic would tell us that Assad had nothing to gain by using chemical weapons, but we needed that narrative to get the American people to support the ousting of Assad. You understand, right? We had to overthrow YOUR democratically-elected government back in 1953 when you would not cooperate with British oil interests. It is a similar concept. These types of operations are vital to our national interests of domination. It is just the nature of global empires.

To Russia:

I cannot believe you have brought our relations to an “all-time low.” First, you stepped in to prevent the Georgian military from invading South Ossetia. Then, you invaded Crimea. Next, you supported the separatists in Ukraine. Then, you deployed missiles to Kaliningrad threatening our puppets in NATO. Last, you got involved in our war to take out Assad the Butcher. Shame on you! You do not have the right to meddle in other countries’ affairs, or our elections for that matter. We have the sole authority to meddle in any country we like, including yours if we so choose. How dare you try to challenge our mandate to shape the world in our image! If the people in a territory of another country desire independence, that is just too bad. Those people do not have the right to be governed by whoever they choose because this would threaten the territorial sovereignty of another country. Thomas Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence only applies when it is convenient for us. You should know that by now.

Our promise that NATO would not be expanded any further east was contingent on our mood. Times change, and doing so is now in our best interest. You lost the Cold War, so get over it already. You deserve nothing more than a rotten egg for Easter, preferably in the form of a Mother of All Bombs, you know, for Mother Russia.

Thank you enemies of the United States for your future cooperation. Cheers to American domination!

Sincerely and Happy Easter,
Uncle Sam and the United States Government

P.S. If you enjoyed this satire, please check out the non-satirical book, The Global Bully. Thanks for reading, and Happy Easter! God Bless!
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Published on April 14, 2017 15:48
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