365 Days of Shakespeare.

Comedy of Errors.


I missed my Shakespeare yesterday, as the day galloped away with me. This day was almost galloping too, but I sternly said: I can stop and have ten minutes of beauty. And the very first lines I read were these:
It is thyself, mine own self's better part,Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart,My food, my fortune and my sweet hope's aim,My sole earth's heaven and my heaven's claim.
There. That is beauty for you.
And, in a wicked twist of genius, Shakespeare then goes from swoony beauty to a festival of insults. Dromio and Antipholus have a very, very naughty conversation about a most unattractive woman. It is obviously very unsisterly of me to find this so funny, but I can’t help it. The whole exchange is much longer than this, and if you want to look it up, it is Act III, Scene II.  
Here is a little taster:ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThen she bears some breadth?DROMIO OF SYRACUSENo longer from head to foot than from hip to hip:she is spherical, like a globe; I could find outcountries in her.ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEIn what part of her body stands Ireland?DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, in her buttocks: I found it out by the bogs.ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere Scotland?DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI found it by the barrenness; hard in the palm of the hand.ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere France?DROMIO OF SYRACUSEIn her forehead; armed and reverted, making waragainst her heir.ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere England?DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find nowhiteness in them; but I guess it stood in her chin,by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere Spain?DROMIO OF SYRACUSEFaith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath.ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere America, the Indies?DROMIO OF SYRACUSEOh, sir, upon her nose all o'er embellished withrubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their richaspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent wholearmadoes of caracks to be ballast at her nose.ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere stood Belgia, the Netherlands?DROMIO OF SYRACUSEOh, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, thisdrudge, or diviner, laid claim to me, call'd meDromio; swore I was assured to her; told me whatprivy marks I had about me, as, the mark of myshoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on myleft arm, that I amazed ran from her as a witch:And, I think, if my breast had not been made offaith and my heart of steel,She had transform'd me to a curtal dog and mademe turn i' the wheel.
Naughty, naughty, naughty. But irresistible.
There is another excellent insult later on – ‘thou peevish sheep’. I can just see a peevish sheep now, all ornery and pissed off.

And then, one more final line of beauty – ‘here we wander in illusions’. Yes, yes, that will do.