Dear 9 Year Old Self: Don’t Worry, It Will ALL Be Ok

Girlfriend, I know you’re only 9 years old, but there’s some stuff I have to tell you.

Step AWAY from the baby oil at Quince Orchard Swim & Tennis. You are Scottish and German. You will NEVER have the deep dark tan that you covet on other girls. Go find some SPF 8 (probably the highest they had in 1979) and put it on religiously. Also, do NOT spray Sun-In on your hair. Orange is not a good look.

Since we’re talking about hair… that is quite the rat’s nest you have there. The next time your m...