Silence is Not Golden

Silence is NOT Golden

You’ve heard that old adage that “Silence is Golden.” Mostly you see it when you go to the movie theater and you are being told to turn off your cell phones.  At that time, Silence truly is golden.  The type of silence that I’m talking about isn’t so golden.

In the past, I’ve spoken briefly about being a sexual abuse survivor.  It isn’t something that I like to bring up or talk about because it brings back very painful memories, even though I’ve been through years of counseling to deal with it.  And I’m not even sure that’s the right word for it, because do you ever really deal  with it?

I thought I had, until about 6 months ago.  A memory that I had suppressed reared it’s ugly head.  What brought it on?  A Facebook friend request from the actual abuser himself.  That wasn’t enough though, because when I didn’t accept his friendship, he started messaging me telling me how beautiful I was, now that I was all grown up.

I immediately went into my safe place, which is deep, deep down inside of me.  Where all painful emotions and memories hide and stay silent for the sake of my own happiness.  But this was different.  It ate at me, until I could no longer hardly function in my every day life.  I have been depressed, angry, sad and I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me until one day when I was talking with my Mom and I just burst into tears.  For 30 years I have kept quiet about what this person did to me.  30 fucking years!  All that time I remained silent, I allowed that fucker to continue abusing me.

I can’t even begin to tell you the terror that this person put me through.  How many times I wanted to talk to and tell my friends what had happened, but couldn’t, because we had too many friends in common.  What’s ironic, is that we still have too many friends in common and I’m sure that some reading this are probably wondering who the hell I’m talking about.  He fooled everyone, including me.  He took so much from me; my dignity, confidence, self-esteem.

I have contemplated telling my story for a while, but there was always that little voice deep down inside that said “no,” stay silent, “what will people think if they know what happened to you?”  Or my favorite, “it’s too personal.  You shouldn’t put something like that out there.”  Well, I’ve finally decided to ignore that scared little girl and tell the truth.  The truth about a monster that I met when I was 12.  We were the same age.  We were friends.  He betrayed me, silenced me…until he tried to re-victimize me.

I know there are many that can relate.  And by sharing my story, I hope it will encourage others and let them know that they are not alone.

I am writing a book based on my experience.  My true story, my hell.  It’s not pretty, but it’s time the truth comes out.  The title of the book is Unworthy Silence.  If you would like, you can add it to your TBR List right here on Goodreads:  Unworthy Silence Goodreads.

Until we meet again, take care of yourselves.

Aly

 

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