All Crustaceans Matter

Today has been designated by the United States Congress as “National Lobster Day.” The Resolution was sponsored by Maine Senator Angus King, and passed without objection.

A former resident of Maine and now domiciled in Florida, to me this Resolution seems a bit discriminatory.

You see, this Resolution contains a lot of “Whereas”s, each of which, though not explicit, concerns or revolves around the North Atlantic Lobster, commonly known as the “Maine Lobster.” This species, Homarus americanus, is, indeed a coveted crustacean. Yet it’s interesting to note that it was once considered to be ‘poor man’s food,’ frequently served to prisoners and indentured servants. By the late 1800’s, well-versed salesmen were able to convince the rest of America that the Maine lobster was a singular culinary specialty found only in the cold waters of Revolution country.

And that’s a problem for me.

Last time I checked, these were the United States, one of which is Florida, where the abundance of Spiny Lobster sends thousands of divers and snorkelers into the warm, clear waters of the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico each summer to find and retrieve what we here think of as a uniquely tasty shellfish.

These two lobster species are different, that’s for sure. The Maine variety has claws, for one; one for holding, the other for crushing. Clams, mussels and oysters are its food, along with whatever is decaying along the ocean bottom. The Spiny Lobster has long antennae; it doesn’t seem to see the need of crushing anything.

Both varieties have a tasty tail, while those rugged claws of the Maine variety are also enjoyable with drawn butter or chopped up in a salad or stew.

Either way, there exist at least two kinds of lobster in the United States, but the U.S. Senate, in a callous move that involved no deliberation, only recognized the Maine Lobster on National Lobster Day.

And that’s just wrong. All lobster matters, if you ask me.

Sure, the Maine Lobster is a lot more popular, I get that. They get the better jobs and special treatment on college applications. You don’t see the cops dragging them out of their cars and tazing them into submission for relatively minor infractions.

All because somebody decided they were somehow “better” than the Florida Spiny Lobster.

Which is fine for we, the People. We are allowed to make our own choices about the lobsters with which we associate; that’s freedom. But when the U.S. Senate goes all exclusionary and entirely disregards what for many is an annual warm-water culinary bonanza, that’s just another exhibition of the kind of subtle discrimination that has no place in America.

If they’d have called it, “National Cold-Water Lobster Day,” well, that’d be fine. But they didn’t. They painted with a broad brush and, with it, played right into the thoughtless prejudices of the shellfish industry’s elite.

I tried to interview a high-ranking Maine Lobster named “Dick” for this blog. I left a message on his answering machine and he then left me one back. It was something like this:

“Mr. Thorne, this is Big Dick, the Lobster. I would like to talk to you about your comments about my being anti-Spiny Lobster, you (expletive). I want to talk to you. I want you to prove that I hate the Florida Lobster. I’ve spent my life helping Florida Lobsters, and you little son-of-a-bitch, socialist (expletive)...” it went on like that for another couple minutes.

In this era of divisiveness and emotion-laden diatribe, I think we should take every opportunity to find ways to unite us. This atrociously hate-filled Resolution by the U.S. Senate is more of the same; big government trying to oppress the little guy. While we’re all focused in on the presidential election and seated football players, the Congress just slipped this one past us.

Those crap-eating bottom-dwellers.