If You Can’t Drive Worth Squat, Get Off The Damn Road!

Now, I know that F word is a little harsh for some of you, but I have been finding myself slinging it out there more than usual lately because I think half the damn drivers around here are either drunk, blind, deaf, be-headed, de-brained, on crack, and quite possibly, God help us, all the above!

I am not a proponent of road rage because I saw some of the ugliest road rage from the ex and it was so damn ugly and frightening looking with his eyes bugged out, veins popping out of his neck, and beads of sweat pouring down his face, that I decided it was not worth it. I am a relatively laid back driver and I have been this way as an example to my kids. I tell them if you rage it out, people end up dead, you end up arrested, and then you look like a murdering idiot in your new orange jumpsuit. Plus, you might lose your straight guy virginity to a butt hungry animal man while in jail. This scares the shit out of my son!

Now, people, if you are 100 years old, stooped over so far that you can’t see above the damn dash, plus you are practically or fully blind, have no peripheral vision to speak of, can’t reach the peddles without damn wood blocks on your feet, and you have one of those weird ass silver door handles on your steering wheel . . . DRIVING IS NOT FOR YOU!! Call damn Uber, for crying out loud.

I know you little sweet old people want to keep your independence and I have watched bits of independence slip from some of my relatives as the years went on but being too old to drive and missing half of what is necessary is like driving drunk, stoned, and asleep thus, taking people out including you maybe.

I love you old people, I do, I have some of the fondest memories of my great grandma, I am drawn to old people, I help y’all out when you can’t reach the bread from your little motorized scooter at the grocery store, but I have to put my foot down for your own safety. If you want keys, I’ll go buy you some fake keys and you can still pretend. Better yet, play it safe and play Mario Cart, no one can get hurt that way.

And it’s not just the old people, y’all, it’s not!

I have blended this family and in doing so, fell in love with everyone, therefore, I want to keep them safe, however, if you can’t drive safely on our streets, get the hell off or call Uber.

I was driving on a busy road here in our fair city and jackass was sitting at a red light trying to turn right. The rule is, if the traffic is clear, you can turn on red unless posted otherwise, right? Well, no, not for jackass. Jackass sits there and sits there and sits there so I do a quick honk on my horn and crazy jackass starts flipping out, turning around to look at who had the audacity to honk at his dumb ass. He then starts honking his horn and flipping me the bird. My daughter was in the car with me and I’m thinking, “Oh, this is just swell. Jackass is freaking the hell out because he doesn’t know the rules of the road and she gets to witness his respectable behavior.” Once the light turned green for us, only then did jackass bird flipper go. Dumb ass!

If this wasn’t bad enough, the next day I was heading down a highway and this young dude probably in his 20’s stops in the middle of the freaking road to check out a deer in a field. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD WITH NO HAZARDS ON, NOTHING! It was if he temporarily forgot where he was, forgot how to drive, developed instant brain damage, hell, I don’t know but the light behind us had turned green and traffic was a comin! Nope, he just sat there in the middle of the road like the dumb ass he is.

Probably one of the scariest recent driving incidences happened a few months ago. I was coming down the highway in the left lane. Further to the left was a turning left lane who had a red light, I was not in that one to turn, I was in my left lane to go through the green light. A 100-year-old woman was waiting in that turn lane and for some reason, God must have whispered to me to look to the left quickly because I was going about 55, when old lady Jenkins pulls out of the turning lane WITHOUT EVEN FREAKING LOOKING, into my lane, and I nearly took her out and wet my pants. I kid you not . . . not a freaking clue in this poor ole ladies head that she nearly just ended her own life having no business driving at this time in her life. Thank God no one was in the right lane because I had to get the beJesus over there to get out of her 2 mile an hour way.

People, again, if you can’t see, don’t drive, if you can’t see above the dash, don’t drive, if you don’t know the rules of the road, don’t drive, if you think you own the road and therefore can stop to… “Oh look at the pretty deer,” you are an idiot, pull over off the road and look at the pretty deer, you moron! Finally, if you don’t know your own name, what day it is, who the president is, and where your body parts are, I’m pretty sure that’s another indicator that you don’t need to be on the damn road!

Love y’all!! ♥