Changing Your Agreements
When I have conversations with friends or family, sometimes they give me a recommendation for a book that I should read. I usually write down the title and make a mental note to look it up online later that day. Sometimes, I even get more than one recommendation for the same book. And when those recommendations happen in close proximity to one another, it definitely catches my attention. It’s as though the Universe is tapping me on the shoulder and saying. “You need to read this book right now!” So, I usually order the book and start reading it as quickly as I can. A couple weeks ago, I had this very experience. The book was The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and when two different people recommended it to me within a couple hours of each other, I knew the Universe was sending me a message.
“The Four Agreements” is an easy read, and I finished it over Memorial Day weekend. It exposes many of the limiting beliefs we are taught from a very young age. These beliefs become the basis for how we live and how we act. They teach us to judge others as well as ourselves. We quickly learn that if we go against the rules of our parents or guardians, we are punished. But if we go along with the rules, we get a reward: positive attention. The reward feels good so we keep doing what others want us to do. We want their attention, and we will “act” however we need to in order to get it. Fearful of rejection, we become somebody different than our true selves. Once we’ve accepted these limiting beliefs, they become our agreements.
As we grow, we begin to punish and reward ourselves for our behaviors. Our belief system becomes our truth. We base all of our judgments on this truth, and soon we judge everything we do or don’t do and everything we feel or don’t feel. If something goes against our accepted truth, our inner Judge says we’re guilty and we should be punished. But often we don’t punish ourselves just once. Usually, we keep punishing ourselves over and over for the same mistake. No wonder we feel down on ourselves so much of the time. We become the Victim. We hold onto blame, shame, and guilt. “I’m not good enough, I’m not attractive enough…” It’s easy to let the roles of Judge and Victim rule our lives.
So, what do we do? How do we break free from this truth we’ve been trained to believe? As the author continues, he explains that we have to challenge our limiting beliefs. Much of what we have learned about our world is based on fear: fear of being rejected, fear of exposure, fear of judgment. This world of fear is not all there is. There’s always a choice of what we believe. So, we must search for more. But the only place we can find our inner truth is within ourselves. We must love ourselves enough to accept who we are instead of who we think other people want us to be. The more self-love we have, the less we will punish ourselves. We have to break our fear-based agreements and reclaim our personal power. But it won’t be easy.
If we are ready to look within and live our own truth, we need to change our fear-based agreements. The Four Agreements from Ruiz’s book will not only help us break these old agreements, but they will transform our lives as well. Since these agreements are quite thought-provoking, I will share two of them this week and two of them next week. This will give us an opportunity to reflect upon each agreement and explore our own beliefs a little further.
The first agreement is, “Be impeccable with your word.” He describes our word in the following way: “Your word is your power that you have to create…The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human…But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or the word can destroy everything around you.” The word can change a belief for better or for worse. Hitler during World War II used his words to spread hate and fear around the world. His words were very powerful. So, we want to use our words for good. Don’t use the word against yourself or others. This sounds simple, but is much harder than it seems. Use positive self-talk and believe in how wonderful you are. Take responsibility for your actions, but don’t judge yourself. Learn from your mistakes and be kind to yourself and others. Say all your words from love.
The next agreement is, “Don’t take anything personally.” When people say, “That is a very ugly dress,” they are actually dealing with their thoughts and opinions about their own appearance. When we believe what other people say and take it personally, then their garbage becomes our garbage. We easily become offended and believe that we have to be right. But the truth is, we don’t have to be accepted by others. We simply have to be accepted by ourselves. Others will have their opinions, but what they are thinking about has nothing to do with us. It only has to do with them. When we love ourselves, we are content with who we are. We don’t need to place our trust in what others do and say. We simply need to trust ourselves.
This week, think about the agreements in your life. Are they based on fear? Are you pretending to be someone you’re not? Are you speaking your words from love? Are you taking things personally? If so, how might your world change if you decided to live from love rather than fear? Would these different beliefs change the way you see yourself? Searching for your inner truth isn’t easy, but you have all the answers already inside of you – you simply have to discover them. Believe in your worth. Accept and love yourself for who you are. Be impeccable with your word and don’t take things personally. Once you adopt these two agreements, it will dramatically shift how you live your life. And when we combine them with the last two I will reflect upon next week, you will find a personal freedom you’ve never experienced before. Change your agreements, and you can change your life.
