Getting Rid of a Stye

Most people have some kind of health issue that they deal with. Some folks get migraines. Some have seasonal allergies. Others, like me, have IBS and deal with a host of poop issues. Some get styes. I’m NOT prone to getting styes, so I am not used to having a foreign eye lid invader like I do now.

Cut me, Mickey!!!

Supposedly, styes come from leaving on make-up when you sleep OR picking your nose and touching your eye. I work from home, so my use of eye make-up, or any make-up is limited to that once a week where I actually go out in public. I didn’t think I picked my nose and touched my eye, but I guess I could be wrong. Other than this megaridiculous never ending stye that I have now, I have had ONE other stye episode ever in my life. Ever. This time around, I not only got the stye on my top lid that was big enough to pay taxes, I also had a smaller version on my lower lid. Stuff like this makes me actually believe in God and know that he hates me. It reminds me of the time I had the never-ending bronchitis of 2015.

Anyway, now that I am on week three of living on the styeway of hell, I have become an expert. As a self-proclaimed expert, I can tell you how to get rid of that pesky stye and I won’t even try to sell you some snake oil product in the process.

Realize you have a stye.
Squeeze your eye shut tightly and say “fuck!”
Open your eye again.
Look in the mirror to confirm that you have a stye.
Say “fuck!” again.
Look up stye on Google.
Realize that it is a STAPH infection that you got from moving bacteria from your nose to your eye.
Know for certain that you are a Neanderthal.
Vow to wash your hands before and after touching any part of your body forever and ever.
Wash your hands.
Remember that time in 1978 when you had pink eye and your mom put warm teabags on your eye.
Grab a teabag, put it in water and microwave it for a minute.
Curse like a mofo when you grab the HOT teabag out of the cup.
Curse again when you sip the very hot cup of tea.
Let the teabag cool on a paper towel.
Wash your hands.
Squeeze the teabag and put it on your eye.
Sit down and wait for it to cool.
Get up thirty seconds later and run the teabag under the hot water in the kitchen sink.
Put the teabag on your eye again.
Throw it away after it is cold again.
Wash your hands.
Take a stye selfie and post it on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Roll your good eye when the “advice” starts popping up in the comments.
Tell everyone that you have been putting teabags on your eyes since 1978.
Calmly explain to that supplement selling friend that you will not be trying the cure everything drink.
Tell your helpful essential oil selling friend who suggested you try a peppermint eye mask to fuck off.
Put on sunglasses and go to the store.
Buy some stye ointment and a “Mommy’s Kisses” compress.
Go home and heat your compress in the microwave at 5 second intervals until it goes from cold to TOO HOT during the final 5 seconds.
Let it sit on a paper towel for a bit.
Wash your hands.
Pick it up when it is cool enough to touch and put it in its super cute pig head pouch.
Put a pig head compress on your eye like you are 7.
Post a pig head compress selfie on Instagram and Facebook. Screw Twitter.
Brace yourself for all of the helpful advice from moms who use “Mommy’s Kisses” on their real 7 year-olds.
After 4 days of compresses, wonder why the fuck you still have the damn stye.
Google more ways to get rid of styes.
Find a Youtube video where a jackwagon lances his own stye with a needle.
Consider lancing your own stye with a needle.
Wash your hands.
Read in the video comments that the jackwagon ended up needing eye surgery.
Put your needle away.
Wash your hands.
Go to urgent care.
Get a prescription for antibiotic eye ointment.
Use it three times a day. Washing your hands before and after.
Notice everything is blurry.
Notice your hands are peeling like sunburnt tourists.
Also notice your eye lid has gotten BIGGER and REDDER.
Begin telling random people that you went 4 rounds with Rocky and yell, “Cut me, Mickey!”
Notice how the young people don’t get it.
Go to your eye doctor.
Have a complete exam including numbing eye drops and lots of being touched on your sore as fuck eye.
Get a prescription for Augmentin.
Take it for two days with no trouble.
Notice your eye lid is not as swollen or red.
Wake up on the third day on Augmentin and shit yourself silly.
Wonder if you accidentally drank colonoscopy “prep.”
Call the eye doctor.
Request a “less harsh” antibiotic.
Squeeze your butt together as you go to the pharmacy’s drive through window to pick up your new medicine.
Take said medicine twice a day for 10 days. So, 12 days total of antibiotics.
On day 13 notice you still have a stye.
It’s tiny. It’s not red. But it is STILL THERE.
Look up that lance your own stye video again while you grab your “Mommy’s Kisses” compress.
Pour yourself a double-shot of vodka and consider pouring it on your eyelid.

What about you guys?

Have you ever had a stye that lasted 3 weeks or more?

What did you do?

Please, for the love of all that is holy and unholy, help me get rid of this!!