Grammar Goth editing tips #1: active vs passive voice

FUN fact: I reduced the word count in my current work in progress (Shadow Book 3: Shiny Things) by 10,000, simply by removing all instances of the word "was."

Let's take a look at the difference.

Passive:

She was throwing fairy dust at the vampires.

Active:

She threw fairy dust at the vampires.

See how it sharpens up the phrase? Here's an example of how I applied the principle to the first two paragraphs of Shiny Things while editing.

Passive:

Krysta Ishtar had been smiling for at least ten minutes. Her face hurt and the camera flashes made her squint. She looked sidelong at her publisher, who was also smiling fit to crack a facial muscle. “How much longer do I have to keep this up?” she asked through clenched teeth.

Jane Autumn was particularly good at speaking without moving her lips. “As long as you can. Your novel is the first thing to be published in five years that isn’t complete twaddle, dearie, so just keep smiling. Maybe you’ll even sell some copies.”

Active:

One camera flash stood between her fixed smile and a case of lockjaw. Just one. Krysta Ishtar looked sidelong at her publisher. “How much longer do I have to keep this up?”

Jane Autumn’s face powder cracked in three crooked lines around her bright smile. “As long as you can. Your novel is the first thing to be published in five years that isn’t complete twaddle, dearie, so just keep smiling. Maybe you’ll even sell some copies.”

I started by removing words and phrases like was and had been wherever I found them. As you can see, this is not just a matter of taking them out; most times you will need to restructure the entire sentence.

For example:

Krysta Ishtar had been smiling for at least ten minutes.

In this sentence I wanted to convey my protagonist's forced smile. This version gives her name and how long she's been smiling, which is fine, but the had been kind of drags down the sentence and frankly, makes it a bit boring.

However:

One camera flash stood between her fixed smile and a case of lockjaw.

This sentence gives neither a name nor a length of time, but that's fine. The time is not that important and the name can come later. What this sentence tells the reader is that there are cameras and a smile so fixed it may lead to an injury. Taking out the phrase had been made me find a way to focus in on the idea I wanted to express.

The practise of using active voice in your writing not only helps to tighten up your story, it helps you to clarify your ideas by making you find alternative ways to state them.

Happy writing!