descriptionAG: What is CHEMTRAIL precisely, and why is it so dangerous to the children of the future?

JK: CHEMTRAIL started as a joint project between pharmaceutical company Eli Lilly and Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in 1947. Trilateral Commission President Adlai Stevenson wanted to domesticate and produce tomatoes as a food source for the post-alien invasion apocalyptic continuation of government policy. (OPERATION: BLACK DOCK) People do not realize that spaghetti sauce was actually banned by the government prior to 1963 and nobody ate tomatoes, because the common belief was that tomatoes were part of the nightshade family and were poisonous. Also, hybrid tomatoes had not been bred yet, so they were not as sweet and had thicker skins. Ralph Hendrix (father of black metal guitarist Jimmy Hendrix) worked at Boeing in an xerizoology division that autopsied dead alien-livestock hybrids, and he was selected for a program where he would go to the town square of a small city and eat a large tomato while false flag operatives would remove all adult diaper products from local grocery stores and pharmacies. When this program was ineffective (this was the time when Boeing focused efforts on their teledildonics program, using analog phone lines) they moved to CHEMTRAIL and this is also when pizza was invented in an Akron, Ohio laboratory, which later became the first location of PIZZA HUT. (HUT = Hybrid Urethral Technology, google it.)

AG: Who is the real G. Arthur Brown?

JK: Gabby Arthur Brown is CHEMTRAIL. He once told me his theory on the construction of Oriole Park at Camden Yards (referred to simply as Camden Yards) as the operational base of 409th Division CHEMTRAIL. HOK Sport conducted false-flag operation economic studies on optimal pricing tier configuration of the new park, based largely on construction of the SkyDome (now Rogers Park) for the Toronto Blue Jays. (This was a known CHEMTRAIL operation, as evidenced by the number of water pumping stations relocated during construction. They aren’t called CHEMTRAIL in Canada, due to the French language stipulation - I think it’s L’CHEMTRAIL but you would have to ask Gabby, he’s the Rush fan.) Originally, the design of Camden Yards was completed by RTKL with a master plan very similar to the new Comiskey Park in Chicago - a design similar to the multi-purpose parks designed in the 70s and 80s - brutalist architecture, a focus on event use, etc. but this was rejected by the Orioles and the design work was shifted to HOK Sport, who came up with the retro-style park, which is an obvious throwback to the storage buildings at Wright-Patterson (HANGER 18) which are used to produce tomato sauce for all subsidiaries of Yum! Brands Inc restaurants. (Taco Bell, KFC, and prior to 2011 Long John Silver’s and A&W.)

Gabby relocated from Baltimore to Portland recently, which is telling, because CHEMTRAIL operation has expanded. Major League Baseball has debated expansion to 32 teams with league realignment, and Portland has been mentioned as a possible location for a major league team and CHEMTRAIL operational facility. Although Portland lost their AAA-level minor league team (the Portland Beavers) at the end of the 2010 season (I saw said team lose a horrible lopsided loss in Las Vegas in 2008 to the Las Vegas 51s, a team named after alien false flag operations meant to cover up the shooting of JFK in 1947) they have since been home to the Hillsboro Hops, previously the Yakima Bears, a short-season Class A Northwest League team. This is a convenient location near the Boeing CHEMTRAIL deployment facility in SeaTac airport in Seattle. (This was where D.B. Cooper hijacked a Boeing 727 plane for CHEMTRAIL in 1971 and parachuted to his death by Bigfoot in 1978.)

AG: Do you see any connection between CHEMTRAIL, 4/20, and the recent death of Prince?

JK: CHEMTRAIL program is not meant to hurt or harm targets, but to change perception of reality. It’s unrelated to *the death of* Prince, because Prince is not dead, because he never existed. This has to do with CHEMTRAIL.

All forms of entertainment (except golf, oddly enough) deal with perception of actions taken by an artist, but not the actual interaction with the artist. People are not fans of Prince, but are actually fans of the manipulations of neurons in their mind relating from the consumptions of electromagnetic patterns produced in the name of said artist. Even painting - a system of radioactive waves as perceived by the consumer based on pigmentation deposited on a surface - isn’t about actual communication with a person, but with the translation of the medium system as produced possibly by a person whose persona is the artist. The broadcast of those systems can still continue without the biological form of the person. The manipulation of the mass response is part of CHEMTRAIL but it’s just a perception of social systems.

Oddly enough, these programs have happened at Wright-Patterson since the Wright Brothers allegedly invented the airplane in 1923. Travel itself is an emotional illusion perceived by people based on the social custom of travel. For example, take the Seinfeld jokes about airplane food, the memetic shitposting about TSA pornoscanners, crying babies on flights, etc. It doesn’t have to do with the physical illusion of flight, but the turmoil and pain of travel, which is what we remember. “Travel,” the word, is based on the Middle English word “travail” which is itself from the Old French word from the medieval Latin “trepalium” which meant “instrument of torture.” No coincidence there.

AG: Now that Prince is "dead", who do you predict will be the next music icon to supposedly kick the bucket? Morrissey? Marylyn Manson? Madonna? (does not have to start with 'M')

JK: Probably GG Allin, who is actually not dead, but has been living in the Mount Weather Emergency Operations Center in Bluemont, Virginia since the 1980s. He has problems with high cholesterol, and won’t take medication, because it would change the consistency of his shit.

AG: You've been blogging at Wrath of Kon since before the Internet and probably the birthdates of some of your readers. In all that time, what would you say were some of your best posts?

JK: It’s hard to say, because there are something like 1100 posts now, and most of them are long-ish entries. I tag my favorite entries (http://rumored.com/tag/favorites/) but I’m also pretty lazy about tagging, and lately, lazy on updating - usually when I have something to write, it goes in a book, so it’s mostly been shitposting about daily events or movie reviews.

Some of my favorites worth reading:

http://rumored.com/2011/11/21/why-i-a...

http://rumored.com/2013/06/11/why-i-w...

http://rumored.com/2013/04/13/i-do-no...

http://rumored.com/2011/09/10/the-rep...

AG: In addition to blogging since the dial-up days, you've been putting out zines since around the time I first started growing hair on my nuts. What place does the zine hold in a world where people only seem to read YA, erotica, and listicles?

JK: I started doing zines in 1990, when I was writing for Metal Curse zine, for my buddy Ray Miller. At that time, there was no form of democratic journalism, in the sense that it was difficult to write for mainstream newspapers and send them reviews for bands like Anal Cunt. But because we owned the method of production, in the form of dot-matrix printers and photocopiers, we could control the information we created. This continued when, in 1991, I started another metal zine called Xenocide, which I also published on the internet (using usenet news and email lists.) (Xenocide was also notable in that one of our contributors was Adam Gadahn, who later became a high-ranking Al Qaeda member, extending the metaphor to his own form of propaganda. See: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/200...)

By the time I stared Air in the Paragraph Line in 1996, the internet had already started its slow sink into mediocrity and commercialization, as corporations started web sites and providers like AOL opened the floodgates of people who only wanted to talk about Ricky Martin in chat rooms (or whatever the hell it was then, I don’t know.) I needed to start a zine to publish my own fiction to people, outside of the system of production in the web and commercial publishing. (This was a decade before the Kindle and ebooks.)

I think the importance today of the zine is that we can do the same. Traditional publishing has all but died, and self-publishing has been completely destroyed by people publishing romance and mystery novels. Publishing an absurdist book to Amazon results in almost no sales, regardless of marketing. But with a zine, it’s very easy to distribute to like-minded individuals, and form a relationship greater than the perceived relationship of the interchange of digital bits on an e-reader screen. My last zine, Mandatory Laxative #14, had a “limited edition” run, and sold more copies than my last book, within a week. It’s now out of print, but I will continue to do more.

AG: For all the various types available (pizza, ham and cheese, turkey and cheese, etc), there seems to be a distinct lack of actual variety to the Lunchables currently on the market. What are the edible and/or non-edible food items would you like to see included in the next round of Lunchables?

JK: Lunchables were originally designed in 1985 with the intent of selling more bologna. As a Kraft Foods product marketed under the Oscar Mayer brand, there will be a certain slant of having lunchmeat-based items in the product line. There has been some exploration outside of this (pizza, chicken nuggets, burgers, hot dogs) but I’d imagine there are specific constraints with the design of Lunchables:

1) They need to be refrigerated in a dairy case, which precludes any frozen options.

2) Lunchables are designed to be presented to a consumer either upright or laid down. This would mean any food requiring a sauce (spaghetti) or that could not be safely stored upright (a filled pastry) wouldn’t work.

3) There are obvious cost savings reasons that would prevent additional internal packaging. For example, crackers and cheese are not packaged outside of the main tray, which is sealed. If a different item would require its own wrapper inside the main tray, it would cost more and require a longer packaging time, and time is money.

4) Because Lunchables are largely eaten by children (whatever, don’t judge) any meal opening or assembly would need to be simplified. For example, an intricate multi-layer sandwich with two kinds of spread that would require use of a plastic knife and dexterity to open a can would be difficult for a five-year-old. Also, I could see an item like bone-in ribs to be verboten, partly because of the skill required to eat them, and because they add shipping weight. (And weight is money.)

5) Most Lunchables do not require a microwave, although some (pizza, burger) can be optionally heated. This requires two palatability studies, one for cold eating and one for hot. It also requires specific food engineering and development to ensure that heating instructions are valid and safe. For example, the cheese in a pizza Lunchable is a pasteurized prepared mozzarella cheese product. It’s a food product because there are several considerations: caking within the package (cellulose powder is added for this), preservation (sorbic acid is added), melting point, uniform melting, and taste. So a food developed that would require heating must also work when it’s eaten unheated, which can get complicated.

6) Regional considerations, both culturally and shipping (most components are manufactured in Fullerton, CA, but meat, cheese and final assembly takes place in regional centers.) Like for example, I think a Lunchable of chicken tikka masala would not sell well in Oklahoma.

I would like to see something like falafel, but that is an issue with 5 and 6. I think a Lunchables product with a handgun inside would sell well, but the price point might not work. Other Kraft items I am a fan of are the Fig Newton cookie (which could work) and Easy Cheese (which probably wouldn’t.)

AG: What's the most Nyquil you've ever butt-chugged in one sitting?

JK: All of it.

AG: All of it as in an entire 12 oz bottle, or all of it as in the amount legally purchasable with a valid ID in the state of Utah?

JK: Yes.

AG: Does playing bass get you a lot of ass? Or would you attribute that more to your general sex appeal and savoir faire as a writer?

JK: No. I’m a big fan of just intonation, as opposed to equal temperament, which dominated Western music. Just intonation involves the frequencies of notes to be related by rations of small whole numbers, instead of intervals being defined as multiples of the same interval. It’s complicated and requires refretting of instruments, and the dissonance drives people nuts. My favorite example of just intonation is Terry Riley’s 1986 solo piano album _The Harp of New Albion_. But no, no ass.

AG: What are you currently working on, and why should anyone give a shit?

JK: Aside from the zines and a few loose short stories floating around, I’m working on two books. One is creative nonfiction about my UFO cult. The other is a sequel to Rumored to Exist which is currently about 600 pages long and nowhere near done. Nobody should really give a shit about any of this, though.

AG: If you could say one thing to the whole entire world (by which I mean the small handful of people who actually read my blog), what would you say?

JK: LOL
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Published on April 22, 2016 12:05 • 483 views
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message 1: by G. (new)

G. Brown Thank you for informing me of the existence of the Hillsboro Hops.


message 2: by Jon (new)

Jon G. wrote: "Thank you for informing me of the existence of the Hillsboro Hops."

CHEMTRAIL


message 3: by G. (new)

G. Brown He can smash so much puss at the marsist conventions, it's insane.


message 4: by Jon (new)

Jon Free wrote: "Is Konrath ostentatiously nerdy just to appear fashionable or is he really as much of a dork as his promo picture indicates? There are just so many poseurs these days."

I've never been fashionable in any way. This is easily the least dorky photo that has ever been taken of me.

Also worth mentioning that I am a horrible person, and my writing is terrible.


message 5: by Arthur (new)

Arthur Graham Jon wrote: "Also worth mentioning that I am a horrible person"

You are what you eat:

description


message 6: by Jon (new)

Jon Arthur wrote: "Jon wrote: "Also worth mentioning that I am a horrible person"

You are what you eat:

"


This picture is bullshit there is no way I would buy three of four Lunchables without the Capri Sun.


message 7: by Nefariousbig (new)

Nefariousbig "Free wrote: "Is Konrath ostentatiously nerdy just to appear fashionable or is he really as much of a dork as his promo picture indicates? "

Dear Free:
Jon Konrath is a saint and a saviour with cotton candy pubic hair and a face like an angel! His promo picture simply reaffirms his deity status.
Snide regards,
#2

P.S. Here is another holy depiction of Master Konrath (from my private collection) upon which you are not worthy to reflect:
description


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