Forward, Forward, Forward

Saturday night I watched the Anderson Cooper documentary about him and his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, "Nothing Left Unsaid." Both have experienced a number of losses in their lives, just as I have, although none of our stories are ever exactly the same. I had read quite a bit about the documentary in the Wall Street Journal and in Vogue so I thought I would take the time to watch it.

At separate times, they each said something I could relate to: the need to keep moving forward.

For some people, moving forward (particularly after loss) is a huge challenge because they fear leaving the loved on in the past or that it means the past didn't happen. However, people forget that no matter what happens– good and bad– the memories are ours to keep. We choose what to do with them.

For me, moving forward is about honoring the ones I have loved and who have moved on. After my sister’s suicide over twenty years ago, it was different because my life was in a different place. I had an insatiable need to help others in a way that I didn’t feel help was there for me. I traveled this road and did everything I could on it, as if I stopped at every restaurant along the way. I tried not to leave any stone uncovered. However, I’ll admit there are a few things I wanted to do but that need has passed and I’ve moved on.

After my dad died, I didn’t feel a huge need for much so much as I did after my mom died, probably because I was in the middle of working on my doctorate and had plenty on my plate.

That fire inside me now is about being the person I always wanted to be and that means continuing to take my life forward. It’s not because I’m afraid if I stop that I’ll wither up, it’s because I live with fear of time running out.

I’ve had so much loss that my challenge is to remember to do as much as I can today, but to rest tomorrow if I need to, and be okay that somehow I will have the time to take care of everything. There are people who think I push myself too hard but I’m doing what makes me happy: continuing to create and contribute to the world in a meaningful way, a way I hope that people are finding inspiration in what I share.

Forward I go.