No Laughing Matter: Parenting And Depression
I say over and over again that I want to be brutally honest on this site about the challenges of parenting. I’ve found a lot of the unhappy things — the downs rather than the ups — are far more common than people think, but don’t get discussed and because of that parents often feel alone in their experiences when it’s quite the opposite. So, here’s my latest brutally honest confession: As a work-at-home dad for the first year or so of the boys’ life, I had to go see a psychiatrist to deal with what felt like pretty crippling depression.
It’s really hard to describe what it was like or why I became depressed, but I’ll try. I felt like I wasn’t really a parent. Instead, I felt like I was just triaging childcare all day and because of that I wasn’t able to enjoy parenting, wasn’t able to be a parent. I simply didn’t have time. The need to take care of my children outweighed everything in my life and because of that I felt trapped in a role for which I was ill-equipped. It wasn’t the boys’ fault. In fact, I felt like they were trapped just like I was, like they would have been better off with a parent who wasn’t as stressed, as tired, as financially strapped, as depressed… and so the cycle of depression started feeding itself.
I snapped at my wife a lot. I wept over my boys’ cute faces when they woke up late at night. I raged at God for not making me a better parent and husband and ultimately I jettisoned Him from my life. It was my wife who, Don Draper-style, made an appointment with a headshrinker for her unstable spouse. I remember ranting to my shrink about how I just needed sleep and I’d be able to handle everything. I also remember my shrink balancing her role as therapist with her experience as a parent when she carefully suggested regular sleep was a long way off and that I might need to find some other solutions.
Honestly, seeing the shrink didn’t entirely fix me, but it helped a lot. It felt good to talk things out with a therapist and I learned some tools to help me deal with depression and stress. What finally worked for me was finding a job that took me out of the house. I miss being a work-at-home dad, but I’m a much better parent now that I’m forced to step away from parental duties. It helps me focus and truly experience the time I spend with my boys. I’m not suggesting that would work for all parents dealing with depression. What I’m saying is, if you are depressed, you’re not alone and it’s okay to seek help. And above all, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.
I feel much more myself these days. I still have the occasional bout of melancholy, but those are normal, not part of ongoing depression. And most importantly, I enjoy parenting.
Here’s the post I mentioned before. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
