Getting Better…More Work Ahead

Today I really don’t have a whole lot. I’m still trying to pull myself out of the pre-depressive funk I’ve been in and doing an okay job at it. Alas, the process is not yet complete, and I’m afraid that it will come back, but I’m doing okay.

My writing, my taxes, my reading, my job performance, my social life (such as it is) have all been on hold. It’s annoying. I’m trying to make all these changes yet my brain is too busy being an asshole to let me do anything other than watch TV. I’ve moved on (mostly) from Forensic Files. I think, when I’m coming out of it, I will watch the old, OLD Shark Week I have on  my DVR. Nature, animals, and sharks always put me in a good mood.

I also have something to look forward to — my vacation to my state of interest in the middle of April. After that? I don’t know. I hope that, if I love the place, I will be inspired rather than despondent. I’ve mentioned that vacations serve as our steps back, which allow us to see the reality of our home and work situations in a way that few other things can. I think I’m pretty sure that I am aware of my situation, but what if I’m not? What if it gets WORSE when I get back. I need my job for now. I am prone, especially when despondent or full of other people’s shit, to verbally and in action and in all other ways not care enough to restrain myself. Corporate America, for me, has been a place where I have learned when to shut my mouth and when to double down and chew through someone’s jugular. If that goes away, I won’t have to worry about my team and their drama, as I will be fired.

So, I’m taking it all in stride. I can’t worry about something I have little control over. What I do have control over is my own actions. No matter how I feel, I choose what comes out of my mouth (usually). How I feel often seems to be up to the whims of the gods, and the amount of salt in my life also seems to be up to them. All I can do is learn, plan, and fight to not only get out of this funk, but to press forward with everything, the new stuff as well as the old stuff I have put aside because of whatever I was dealing with inside.

Having emotions sucks sometimes. Haha. I’m determined to cheer the hell up and pull myself out of this haze, so next week’s entry should be much better. For those few who have read, thank you. For the others…well, I’ll get better so they won’t see the difference. Wish me luck!