8 Rules for Improving The Oscars (Which I Did Not Watch)

 Separate category for "Best Picture About Rich, Emotionally Repressed People From the UK". Films about poor people from the UK who may or may not be emotionally repressed can also be nominated in this category, but only if they feature full frontal male nudity to demonstrate how very serious they are.All television commentators must announce at the beginning of any broadcast in which they pontificate on the likely winners how many of the nominees they've actually seen. Less than half in any category they're yammering about, and they get hit in the head with a raw flounder on air repeatedly until they stop talking.One sensible six year old child will be stationed on the red carpet to point and laugh at any Oscar dresses that have no business being worn outside the Glen Larson version of Buck Rogers.At regular intervals, the audience will be reminded that Bruce Vilanch did in fact help write The Star Wars Holiday Special.A gong will be set up at the side of the stage. It will be manned by Sam Rockwell in his Confessions of a Dangerous Mind getup, and he will have the ability to gong unfunny, sappy, or overlong segments off the stage. He will also be used to mark the end of the drum solo when the orchestra plays Blue Oyster Cult's "Godzilla", because all awards shows would be improved by an orchestral rendition of Blue Oyster Cult's "Godzilla".All future hosts will need to first host either the Razzies, the Independent Spirit Awards, or the awards banquet for the Greater Raleigh Area Little League before being tapped to host the Oscars, simply to demonstrate they can handle a rough crowd.A checklist of appropriate people to thank will appear onscreen during each winner's acceptance speech. This will include spouse/family, agent, appropriate coworkers, and God. The appropriate boxes will be ticked off onscreen during the course of the speech. Failure to check off a box will result in an electric shock; the winner who nails all of the boxes fastest gets to make the ceremonial "Abe Vigoda's not dead?" joke at the next Friar's Club Roast.Abe Vigoda gets an Oscar every year, because damnit, he deserves one.