Jason Sholtis's Blog, page 3

Dungeon Management, Poor

"I don't know where the god damn secret entrance is."

d12
1. Dungeon Overlord has lost master set of keys, now accidentally locked in on level 10 with other denizens, becoming increasingly irritated with one another
2. Approved leave of absence for significant portion of minions just before wave of dungeon plague sweeps over the remainder
3. Following minion insurrection, pressed into duty new humanoid forces difficult to distinguish from one another, turns out half were carrying offspring and need to lie down quite a bit at this point and not too keen on staffing guard rooms
4. Logistical snafu prevents shipment of minion chow from arriving on time, cannibalism now openly discussed
5. Trap equipment failure on level nine due to lax, negligent upkeep, mechanisms jammed with dead adventurers, important security measure now compromised
6. Key dungeon staff embroiled in clique-war, Overlord attempts to intervene but ends up killing scads of them in frenzy of retribution
7. Lackluster hiring practices leads to sub-par magical support services, unreliable non-board certified sorcery
8. Citing incompetence, dragon on level 8 declares itself the new Overlord, demands abdication, has been secretly bribing denizens for months now
9. Failure to allocate necessary funds for weird tadpole extermination weeks ago results in psychedelic giant frog infestation on all levels in pools, streams, basins, etc.
10. Waste materials piling up all over the place after accidental release of experimental caustic war gas destroyed all the omniverous sewer monsters, up to 3 feet deep in some 10 feet-wide corridors
11. Decision to pursue rumored location of powerful relic in previously unknown "11th level", instead delved too deeply and released a horror currently depopulating the dungeon
12. Drunken boasting at annual Dungeon Overlord conference inadvertently reveals location of ingenious secret entrance, now circulated far and wide among scoundrels, ne'er-do-wells, villains, and ultimately adventurers

Dragon Behaviors, Other

d12
1. Compose works of dragon music for human choir, generally variations on the mind-bending reptilian dirges of their forebears, but vary wildly to the trained ear, human critics characterize these works as "unbearable dragon rackets"
2. Coin stacking to incredible heights, gigantic teetering coin castles reflect incredible skill, knocking them over: not recommended
3. Activate instinctual, introspective psychological self-analysis, painstakingly rewire mental arrangement to achieve ultimate draconic serenity over course of decades, abide forever at peace with universe, can only be attempted once hoarding instinct has been spectacularly fulfilled
4.  Craft epic-length seductive mating dances of astonishing complexity, inscrutable to humans, express full range of reptilian emotions, plumb the alien depths of the draconic condition, lots of subtle wing movements
5. Human husbandry: breed human slaves for various pleasing physical traits like prize roosters ("Look at the plumage on that one"), enthusiastic in attempts to attain/maintain misguided theoretical "ideal" conditions for thriving human population ("How charming, they're forming one of their little heirarchies")
6. Write trashy novels inscribed in ancient draconic cuneiform on huge clay tablets with claw-held stylus, devoted to genre work, tales loaded with dragon sex, violence, objectionable humanoid stereotyping
7. Devote selves to martial art of fine-tuning breath weapon: super-fine beams of tremendous range, extra broad cones for short range, machine gun pulse discharges, controlled bursts of lesser destructive power but increased times/day
8. Create claw-hewn sculptures: monumental in scope, jagged, severe, always abstract but give off unmistakeable totalitarian vibe
9. Hobby brewing of virgin blood-based potables, hoard recipes, virgins like gold
10. Pursuit of advanced mathematics, erect colossal abacuses, kidnap, enslave teams of talented human mathematicians (such as there are), eventually able to perform dimension door, time stop, gate, etc. by completing mental equations
11. Attain complete mastery of bodies at cellular level though meditations lasting years, achieve near-immortality, unlock ability to outmatch cephalopods at camouflage, color strobing, artistic rearrangements of scaly epidermis
12. Some dragons keep pets

The Sorcerer Never Leaves Home without It

Humanoid minions, inability to suffer fools gracefully: the sorcerer's curse

d12
1. Full fifth of booze magically condensed to fit in thumb-sized vial for discrete post-casting stiff ones as needed
2. Semi-animate shrunken head of former mentor for consultation
3. Two sets of goggles: one that magnifies as per binoculars, the other does the opposite
4. Set of normcore regular joe clothing magically folded a zillion times and crammed into tiny chamber in ring like The Flash, unfolds explosively upon utterance of command word
5.  Fake suicide tablet to be deployed with maximum histrionic performance, renders form seemingly lifeless for period of 10 minutes, during which body exudes intolerable stench: a deal breaker for most looters and dungeon predators
6. One potion erases all spells from memory, follow-up potion contains liquefied memorizations of alternate spell set, saving throw vs. involuntary 8 hour nap required
7. Pocket-sized habitarium loaded with fireflies genetically modified to self-immolate like huge match heads upon command
8. Single-use explosive dagger detonates ten seconds after successful stab, works best when embedded in the back of an arch enemy
9. Invisible full-body hazmat suit with invisible filter mask attachment, proof against limited exposures to most slimes, oozes, puddings, jellies, noxious chemicals, airborne spores, etc., underlings die like dogs wondering why the sorcerer seems unaffected: priceless
10. Satchel of false credentials for several identities in each of the major kingdoms with notarized proof of alignment as appropriate
11. 1000 gold piece diamond secreted between cheek and gum
12. Golden crown riven in twain, automatically fuses back into original condition when placed upon the head of rube the sorcerer wants to convince is one of those Hidden Monarchs

They Keep it in the Sack with the Other Jewels

d12
1. Odin's blackened thumbnail, lost in domestic dispute with Thor, of inestimable value to collectors of Norse ephemera
2. Keys to working motorcycle with full tank on Dungeon Level 9
3. Tiny gem-encrusted sarcophagus of the Micro-Paleo Pharaoh complete with wee animate mummy (disease-free) who shrieks out for vengeance if released
4. Single platinum coin from million year-old civilization, works in all coin operated machines and always ejects through the change chute
5. Pair of lozenge-shaped Digestive Aids of the Gods, swallowed fragment enough to eliminate need to consume food but kills the subject in a fortnight
6. Super-genius cockroach encased in amber but still more than willing to field questions (telepathically) about science and philosophy
7. Salt shaker-like container loaded with the crystaline Essence of Pure Deliciousness
8. Shard of solid sun fire in heat-proof box, burns like hell if opened
9. Polished stone False Eye of the Gorgon: if installed into empty socket mimics Medusa's gaze
10. Fossilized angel egg (still viable)
11. Hand-sized ingot of totally impervious, utterly unworkable space metal
12. Leather pouch with ounce of stardust within, scintillates brilliantly if sprinkled, causes permanent condition of levitation if ingested (straight up to the heavens unless somehow anchored)

Found Among the Regular Scrolls

Barbarian heroes of the Odious Uplands, not big readers

d12
1. Semi-accurate map of juicy nearby dungeon now stripped clean of treasures by expedition of famous evil sorcerer, haunted by noxious gas-giants summoned for spite on the way out
2. Rolled canvas with mind-bending original painting by infamous sorcerer of invisible stalker completed just prior to mysterious disappearance
3. Fancy map of the world prior to most recent global catastrophe, if scratched in certain spots with the edge of a coin paint rubs off to reveal precise locations of dungeons, lost treasures
4. Sealed by wax impressed with chief devil's signet (summons mindless devils of vengeance if broken), contract signed in blood between Lord of Hell and Lord of the Next Manor Over
5. Recipe for griddlecakes of temporary invulnerability (served for breakfast, works until lunchtime), must be dressed with syrup derived from ultra-rare iron oak, only known living specimen in Mad Gardener's mountain top greenhouse 
6. Writ of passage through forbidden zone now dividing the realms of Order, signed by evil God Queen herself, presumably still honored by monsters and humanoids that would otherwise annihilate human travelers, potential new trade route!
7. Map indicating position of ancient lost treasure some 500 feet beneath the local Lord's manor (appropriated from previous Lord, now deceased), accessible via unknown shaft concealed beneath floor in busy concubines' chamber
8. List of prominent citizens (including relatives and known associates) believed to be fomenting armed uprising against beloved regional potentate
9. 100% accurate diagram of the Planes of Existence, totally at odds with currently accepted schema
10. Complete plans for manufacture of dungeon hovercraft, technological innovations carefully explained, requires ample supply of antigravistone believed in hoard of prominent dragon
11. Official court papers declaring status as non compos mentis, rights and property forfeit, signed and notarized, name of subject left blank
12. Instructional poster w/pointers for locating, exploiting nerve-cluster known to temporarily reduce dragons to quivering heaps when struck with blunt force at just the right angle 

UNFATHOMABLE NOW IN BOOK FORM (PLUS COMICS)

JUST LOOK AT THIS STUFF Pretty Sexy

GO HERE: Operation Unfathomable on RPGNowAND HERE: OU Players GuideAND HERE: OU Print Pack
AND THIS JUST IN


A bunch of artists/writers/hobbyists working in the DIY D&D/OSR/WHATEVER mode found each other, had a baby, and its a comic book. I guess once you're DIYing one kind of thing, the next kind of thing over is that much easier. We have decided to table plans to form a band for the time being.  
James V. West, Jeff Call ,Stefan Poag , Karl Stjernberg, Trey Causey, Luka Rejec, and yours truly all contributed art and stories to this subterranean-themed anthology.
As it happens, my story (scripted and lettered by Trey Causey) takes place in the Underworld of Operation Unfathomable. That's right friends, a crass as-you-like genuine product tie-in (who am I?!?).  
Available in digital download and Print on Demand from HERE:   Underground Comics on Indyplanet
GO!
Issue two is already in the works, with most of the contributors to issue one set to return. I will be doing the art for a story written by Billy Longino called Love Dart, featuring Pain Train, the heroic figure pictured below.
On the bloody, brutal road to self-actualization

UNFATHOMABLE PDF OUT TODAY

CLICK ON THIS DriveThruRPG LINK
It's an old school Underworld setting and adventure location in the form of a 108 pg PDF, souped up with hyperlinks (including a fully clickable map), jammed to the gills with bizarre denizens, weird situations, random occurrences, and several Underworld godlings and their unsavory flocks. Game stats are for Swords & Wizardry, but for heaven's sake, its so adaptable to the OSR-type game of your preference as to be almost effortless!Mighty Jez Gordon did the handsome layout and crafted the two-page Underworld map (see a slice of it below). 
Perhaps you are so old school as to eschew the electronic books: a print edition will become available as soon as we get and approve a print proof (be assured I will mention this here on the blog).
This is just a small sample.
It's also loaded with art by myself, Stefan Poag, Chris Brandt, John Larrey, and Karl Stjernberg.
FOR EXAMPLE
Stefan brings it (that's the googolpede, by the way).
A purveyor of potions atop her glutton-newt.

Choose your words wisely when parlaying with the Colossal Sorcerer. RUN YOU IDIOTS
If you like this blog, chances are you will enjoy this adventure.

Who's the Law in this Town?

d12
1. Constabulary of the Lord: clerics of state religion use detection magic, blunt instruments to maintain adherence to byzantine regulations, raid establishments offering forbidden bills of fare, come through windows at night to enforce sexual mores, it's horrible
2. Law enforcement province of single noble family, once-honorable lineage degraded into rabble of hoodlums, corruption/graft old and deep, arrest aristocrats in showy fashion from time to time just to send a message
3.Biggest jerks in town spend months training for annual brawl to determine who wears the badge of station, losers form posse, arbitrary justice-by-mob, beat-downs/summary executions issued as mood takes them
4. Trial by Democracy: all citizens authorized to make arrests, do so enthusiastically, entire population must participate in grueling schedule of rigidly timed weekly trials in Colosseum of Law, no one eats until docket is cleared
5. Money changers/lenders hire private armies, everybody else hires bodyguards, disputes settled by proxy fights or at gaming tables
6. Masked crime-fighter w/incredible fighting skills/selection of magic items patrols rooftops, frequently silhouetted against moon, empowered to enforce quirky personal interpretation of law
7. Children on patrol: according to city constitution, only those who haven't yet reached their majority may adjudicate disputes, operate outside of law
8. Hired monsters from nearby dungeon environment patrol streets, ensure close to 100% compliance with curfew, otherwise its a free-for-all, city council has appointed special commission to look at alternatives
9. Seer-detectives levitate in lotus position, monitor events w/clairvoyance, dispatch troops as needed from central Dome of Contemplation (the one with the giant rotating eyeball on top)
10. Highly trained justice hounds sniff out wrong-doing unerringly, bay at criminals in their lairs like treed raccoons, handler goons do the rest
11. Ancient sage hobbles around adjudicating disputes Hammurabi-like, citizens heed unquestioningly all wisdom dispensed even when completely bizarre
12. Tribunal of Idiots: cultural quirk passed down from time immemorial that everyone just accepts, tries cases by instinct alone, non-evidential hearings involve much staring into eyes to know intent, idiotic utterances interpreted by highly influential class of fool-augurs

Bumpkins of Evil

No one remembers why they made a town here.
d12
1. Bachelor farmer: wears an evil sword, solitary for too long in isolated vale, speaks aloud to not-quite-visible swarms of evil spirits 24/7, they seem to answer or maybe that's just the wind, likes to cook pies, poison wells, abduct the odd lone traveler for a long, scary conversation
2. Travelling salesman acts as advance virgin scout for small town vampire w/particular tastes, hand cart loaded with grain sacks, hard tack, dried exotic fruits, pemmican, hand tools, goblin cocaine
3. Swamp-dwelling weirdo gone half-Gollum but with scads of friends (all amphibians), incredibly stealthy, hunts humans for sport, informs quarry of impending demise via beautifully written letter delivered by wide-mouth frog
4. Hunter-gatherers (of Evil) go about their routines, take time out to don terrifying devil masks for random acts of vandalism, murder, enhanced by nightly consumption of psychedelic liquor
5. Country doctor must murder two innocents for every life saved on his portable operating table
6. Escaped criminal from the big city feigns rusticity, lives alone in off-grid tiny house, receives shipments of imported wines, cheese from salesman (2, above), suspects all of being assassins, favors preemptive strike
7. Expert angler: towering legend in River Town, lands record lunkers like nothin', can't buy a drink, seduces spouses of fellow anglers w/swagger, impressive mustachio, secret bait: live fairies
8. Rustic in furs w/90% incomprehensible dialect of common tongue seems friendly enough until you figure out that he's talking about his contract with the Devil, can get you insider deal
9. Self-created zealot in filthy toga proselytizes relentlessly for religion she made up herself, involves much blood sacrifice/lewdness, bacchanalia scheduled for this Saturday, if no one shows up this time there will be hell to pay
10. Ex-local hero, former warrior gone to lard, never leaves tavern, despises foreigners with immeasurable passion, makes up rumors to incite whatever dim-witted crowds might be interested in hate crime
11. Fur-trapper had to strike terrible bargain w/forest cannibals for operational permissions: surrounding forest now loaded with man-traps of dungeon-style lethality
12. Pedestrian, crazed: he's walked this earth for untold years, maybe immortal, never sits down, barely slows down to bestow his curse (see subtable) then strides on

Curse of the Crazed Pedestrian
d6
1. Everything tastes like iron rations
2. Release repulsive stench upon romantic arousal
3. Develop bunions that resemble campaign world celebrities
4. Followed by hideous bald ravens who squawk a lot
5. New allergy to gold: enter anaphylactic shock if gold w/in 5 feet
6. Sudden, inescapable urge to drop everything, begin from scratch new class/profession regardless of suitability

Superheroes (and/or Villains) of the Underworld

The mighty Truthcleaver, founding member
 of the Beetle Society of Justice (deceased)To whom do the peoples of the Underworld turn when mere strength-at-arms cannot avail them and the godlings are willfully deaf to their pleas?

d12
1. The Beetle Society of Justice: ghosts of strongest, fastest, wisest, most powerful heroes of extinct civilization manifest on occasion to right egregious wrongs (as determined by their incomprehensible reckoning)
2. Dr. Fang, noted subterranean travelling surgeon, in times of weirdness adopts alter ego as masked hero Unknown Vampire, vampire powers enhanced by proprietary blood additive, must chug from flask before going into action, cones of stupefacto-vision from eyes, exacts terrible price for services rendered
3. Blackstreak, The World's Fastest Pudding
4. The subterranean humanoid fighting tag team of Stronghand and Musclefist, twin survivors of sorcerous experiment intended to produce living forklifts, killed all other subjects, bestowed upon twins giant, mighty hands, developed new hand-centric martial art under tutelage of mystic fungoid guru
5. PlaneShift, the trans-cosmic humanoid, floats above ground nude but for cape, luminous translucent green body, calls in monstrous assistance from other planes using enchanted Folio of Fiends
6. The Ultimate Humanoid, born w/advanced mind, accumulated vast wealth as child via brilliant pyramid scheme to finance secret sanctum/laboratory, armored costume, multipurpose ray guns, novel super-inventions with every appearance
7. Mimic Lord appears wherever needed in guise of mundane object, takes on vague human-like form to punch bad guys, personality issues, alter ego: shipping crate, sometimes barrel
8. Eye of Vengeance: floating ocular orb w/blasting eye stalks, bound by psychic link to tiny feral humanoid girl w/deep-seated anger issues
9. Chaosface: ex-gladiator w/prehensile chin-tentacles, killed in action but can't seem to stay dead, maybe when he gets his karma straight he can finally rest
10. Stone Patrol: team of humanoid warriors petrified by gorgon then subject to experimental spell of reversal, still made of stone but move freely, incredibly strong, hard to damage
11. Scavenger King: by quirk of birth subterranean humanoid possesses psionic ability to call and command Underworld vermin, like Aquaman but gross
12. Wyrm Lass: teenage subterranean humanoid in appearance, actually ancient red dragon following polymorph-gone-weird, retains full powers and abilities of dragon, alter ego as scullery maid for Underworld aristocrat