Chris Cannon's Blog, page 8

Umbrella Academy

Are you watching the Umbrella Academy? It’s quirky, funny, and unique. There were times where I had no idea what was going on, but I like how they dropped clues along the way so by the end you could put the pieces together. The quirky characters made me smile. I can’t wait for the second season.

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Make Me Laugh Wednesday: Bookworm Humor

It’s Make Me Laugh Wednesday. I’m sharing some nerdgirl/bookworm humor. I’m betting most of you can relate. Have a great hump day.

The post Make Me Laugh Wednesday: Bookworm Humor appeared first on Chris Cannon.

Excerpt 99% Faking It

I’m sharing one of my favorite excerpts from 99% Faking It.

****

My fake boyfriend stood near my locker after school, looking at his cell. I took a moment to appreciate the way he filled out his blue flannel shirt and his jeans. Some guys might look like hicks. He just looked…huggable. When he glanced up and smiled at me my heart did a little tap dance…and that was wrong. It’s fake. Fake. Fake. Fake.

“Hey.” He lowered his phone. “West asked if we wanted
to go to the movies with him and Nina tomorrow.”

That could be a low pressure situation because we
wouldn’t have to deal with the awkward conversations we
seemed to be having lately. “What movie?”

He laughed. “Shouldn’t you say yes to the date first and then ask about the movie?”

“I must have missed that lesson in how-to-date-like-a- normal-girl class.”
“Not sure you fall under the category of normal,” he shot back. “There’re a couple of action movies.”

He passed me his phone with the theater information pulled up. I scanned past a violent horror flick that no mentally healthy person should want to see, and skipped over one of those movies where they try to make everyone cry by killing off the main character’s love interest. I never understood the point of those movies. That whole cathartic crying thing was crap. There was a movie about computers taking over the planet. Those were usually entertaining, as long as the people weren’t too stupid. There was a bank robbery movie and something about vampires and humans teaming up against zombies.

“I’m in for the evil computers or the vampire movie.” I preferred things that couldn’t possibly happen in real life.

“Either one works for me,” he said.

“Good.” Now what?

He shoved his phone in his pocket and glanced around like someone might be watching us. “Want to walk out to the parking lot together?”

“Sure. That seems like a couple-y thing to do.”

“Couple-y?”
“Something couples do.”
“Yeah.” He scratched his head. “I’m pretty sure that’s not a word.”

“It is now.”

“You should create your own online dictionary.”
“Not a bad idea. I can call it Lisa’s Lexicon.”
“Lexi what?”
“Lexicon. I didn’t make that one up. It means vocabulary.”
“And you couldn’t just say that?”
“Nope.” I grinned. “The double L sounds better.”

“Sure it does.” He gestured down the hall. “Let’s get out of here.”

We joined the crowd of students shuffling past each other, eager to get out of the building. Most of the couples were holding hands. Wondering how Matt would react, I reached for his hand. He missed a step and looked down at our joined hands.

“Now who’s confused about the rules of dating?” I
pointed at the couple in front of us.

“A little warning would be nice.”

He sounded annoyed and that kind of ticked me off.
“So sorry I got girl germs on you.” I pulled my hand from
his like I was joking, even though I wasn’t.

He laughed. “I stopped being afraid of girl germs a long time ago.” He grabbed my hand and laced his fingers through mine. “I don’t like surprises.”

We exited the building and headed for the parking lot.
“You must be really fun at surprise birthday parties.”

“The good thing about being a twin is you’re not the
only person standing there feeling stupid while people sing
to you.”

“Why would having someone sing happy birthday make
you feel stupid?”

“I don’t like being the center of attention.”

Something clicked into place. “Charlie talks more than
you.”

Matt nodded.

“You’re the quieter twin.” I’d never thought of it that
way. It explained a few things, like maybe why he’d never
asked Jane on a date.

The gravel of the parking lot crunched under our feet
as we angled left toward my car. Once we came to a stop, I
noticed that the other real couples were kissing each other
goodbye. I felt like giving Matt a little crap. “Fair warning
since you are surprise-phobic. At some point you might
have to kiss me, just to convince people this is real.”

He dropped my hand and backed away from me like I
hadn’t bathed in a week. “Not going to happen.”

“Wow.” That kind of stung. “You really know how to
make a girl feel special.” I climbed into my car, slammed the
door, and locked it. What was his problem? I’d been joking.
Still, I hadn’t expected him to recoil in disgust.

Matt knocked on the window. “Lisa?”

Nope. I flipped him off, put the car in reverse, and backed out of my parking spot. Dating Matt was supposed to make Trey see me as datable. Having Matt act all awkward around me was not upping my cool points. It made me seem less datable. And I wasn’t okay with that. So far Operation Fake Boyfriend was a complete waste of time.

As soon as I entered my house, I called Nina and
unloaded on her.

“That’s so weird,” Nina said. “I mean, maybe he doesn’t
want to be your real boyfriend, but why would he freak out
about the idea of kissing you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he thinks I’ll fall madly in love
with him.” The odds of that happening weren’t good,
especially since he was being such a jerk.

“It’s weird that he could be a good friend and make such a terrible fake boyfriend,” Nina said. “Unless maybe he’s afraid he’ll fall for you.”
“Right.” I laughed. “He wants a quirky blonde, not a boringly normal brunette.”
“You’re not boring.”
“You have to say that because you’re my friend.” I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes. “Is it wrong that I want to find some way to torment him?”

“No. I’d say that’s healthy. And I think the movie date
will be the perfect way to do that.”

“Game on.”

****

If you want to add 99% Faking It to your Goodreads want to read list you can click here. Add To Goodreads

If you’d like to preorder 99% Faking It click this link and it will take you to the bookstore of your choice. books2read.com/99FakingIt

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Make Me Laugh Wednesday

It’s Make Me Laugh Wednesday. Here are some random funnies. I hope they make you smile.

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99% Faking It

Check out the cover of my upcoming romantic comedy 99% Faking It. Here’s the blurb.

Lisa is a card-carrying, book-loving Gryffindor. Solid. And that’s why everyone knows she’s awesome. Well, except for her crush, Matt. He only ever sees her as a friend. Plus, he’s got his eye on another girl. Oh well, plenty of fish and all that.

Good thing Lisa just read a book on the “wedding ring phenomenon”—you get more attention when you’re already taken. What if Lisa pretends to be Matt’s plus one? Maybe it’ll help Matt get his girl and Lisa can hook her own fish. 

After the plan works, Matt suddenly claims he doesn’t like the view from the friend-zone and wants her instead… But she isn’t interested in being anyone’s second choice. If this guy wants to earn her attention, he’ll need more than some silly “phenomenon.” 

He’ll need to go all out…

Want to add it to your Goodreads TBR list? Here’s the link. 99%Faking It

The book goes up for pre-order February 14th. Until then, here’s the first chapter.

Chapter One

Lisa

Matt walked toward me with an easy grin on his face. He’d finally started to relax around me now that he realized I wasn’t going to throw myself at him. Not that I hadn’t entertained the idea, because he had chocolate-brown eyes and dark wavy hair and broad shoulders and…wait…where am I going with this?

Right. I wasn’t throwing myself at man-candy-Matt because he’d made it clear that he thought of me only as a friend. And at first that had sort of sucked, but I was a big girl and I could deal with it. He made a good friend. We had fun together.

At one time, I may have held out hope that he would
turn to me and say, “Lisa, I was wrong. You’re exactly the
short, nerdy girl I’ve been looking for.” But it had been a
few months and now I was over it. At this point in my life I
wasn’t sure any guy was worth the trouble. Until some new
guy showed up and took my breath away, I was declaring my
life a drama-free, date-free zone.

Matt sat down next to me at our normal lunch table
in the Greenbrier High School cafeteria and opened his
brown paper bag. “Are you and Nina getting your nerd on
tonight?” he asked.

“Is it Friday?” I said, like it answered the question, because it totally did. Every Friday night my best friend Nina and I engaged in Nerd-girl Festivities. We went to Books-A-Million to find new treasures and then hung out in the coffee shop afterward talking books and boys and anything else that came to mind. “What about you?” I asked. “Any exciting plans?”

He shrugged. “Not sure yet.”

“Someone has commitment issues,” I teased in a sing-
song voice.

“Hey,” Matt said, “I’m just a guy who likes to keep his
options open.”

“Please. You have a pathological resistance about committing to plans. You always wait until the last second.”

“Right.” Matt took a bite of his sandwich. “Just because your mom’s a therapist doesn’t mean you’re qualified to analyze me.”

“My mom’s job doesn’t have anything to do with it.” I popped the top on my soda and took a drink. “I’ve seen you try to pick out a donut at Krispy Kreme.”

“It’s not my fault they all look good.”

“Yes, but most people have a favorite.” Maybe that
was his problem with dating. All girls looked good and he
couldn’t pick one. “Let’s try an exercise my mom does with
her clients. If you could do anything tonight, no matter how
impractical, what would you choose?”

Matt’s gaze flicked over to the table where his younger sister sat with her best friend Jane and then he glanced back at me. “That’s a stupid question.”

Busted. I leaned in so no one would overhear us. “I
didn’t ask who you’d do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Matt’s tone was a
little too defensive.

“Nothing.” Jane had a steady boyfriend, who happened
to be drop-dead gorgeous, and they appeared to be very
much in love. That didn’t stop Matt from staring at her
whenever he thought no one was looking. Since I used to
spend a fair amount of my time checking out Matt while
he was otherwise occupied, I recognized the game he was
playing. It was a no-win situation.

Nina picked me up to go to the bookstore a few hours after
school. “So you and Matt seemed awful chatty at lunch
today. Anything I should know about?”

“Nope. I’m still living my life in the friend zone.” I tilted
the air-conditioning vents down so the air didn’t hit me in
the face. Short girl problem 101. Whatever normal-sized
person who’d sat here last had left the vents aimed so the air
blew my hair all around my face. Since I wasn’t modeling for
a shampoo commercial, this was not an ideal setting.

“I know you still like him,” Nina said.
“Wrong. That ship has sailed.”
“Are you sure? West said Matt talks about you when you’re not around.”

I froze for a second and then took a cleansing breath. “Please tell me you’re not discussing my past crush with
your boyfriend. That would be in direct violation of the best
friend code.”

“Wrong. It doesn’t count if he’s the one that asked about
you. He said Matt talks about you almost as much as he
talks about Jane.”

“Does he realize Matt is into Jane?”

“I don’t think so and the better question is why does
Matt have a crush on a girl who is obviously so into her
boyfriend? And no offense, but not many people could
compete with that guy.”

“It’s kind of karma that she isn’t into him,” I said. “He’ll
just have to move on, like I did.”

“Fine. If you’ve moved on, then who are you interested
in?”

“No one, for the moment,” I said. “Although I’m actively looking for a new book boyfriend. Hopefully, I’ll find a fabulous new guy at the bookstore.”

“This is totally selfish, but you need a real boyfriend so we can double-date.”

I laughed. “So my love life should revolve around yours?
Is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes,” Nina said. “And I’d appreciate it if you’d get with
the program.”

“I’ll get right on that.” I knew she was joking but part of it rang true and that kind of bothered me. Is this what life was going to be like from now on? If my best friend has a boyfriend I’d better find one, too, or soon I wouldn’t have a best friend anymore? Because that would suck.

“Hey,” Nina said. “You know I’m joking, right?”

“I know.” I sighed and slid lower in my seat. “I have to tell
you I don’t have a lot of trust in the male half of the species.”
Given that my mom was a family counselor, it was the irony
of ironies that my dad had abandoned her when she’d told
him she was pregnant. They’d been married less than a year,
and I guess the idea of being a parent had freaked him out.
My mom said one day she came home from work and he
was gone. No discussion. No warning. Just a bunch of empty
drawers and a note about how he wasn’t ready to be a father.
She’d received divorce papers in the mail before I was even
born. I’d never even met the guy and pretty much thought
of him as nothing more than a sperm donor and a complete
douchebag.

“Given your situation, that’s justified. But look at your mom now. She’s been dating the same guy for years.”

“Yeah, Tony is great,” I said. “But I don’t think it’s a
coincidence that they’ve never even discussed marriage.”

“Maybe he has his own reasons for not wanting to get
married,” Nina said.

“It’s weird. I’ve overheard his cell calls to an insurance
company about some woman’s bills and prescriptions. I’m
kind of afraid of what that might mean.”

“Okay. So either he’s cheating on his sick wife, or he’s
stayed married to someone he doesn’t love so his insurance
will cover her medical bills?” Nina pulled into the lot of
the bookstore and parked in the front row. “That’s either
terrible or tragic.”

“I’ve almost asked my mom about it a few times, but
if she’s okay with the situation then it can’t be too shady.”
Everything my mom did was above board. Her motto was
Honesty is the best and only policy. “Maybe it’s his sister
or his mom or something.” I unbuckled my seatbelt. “I’m
done with all this stressful real life crap. I’m ready to get my
happily ever after on. Let’s go buy some books.”

We entered the bookstore. I inhaled the scent of coffee
and ink-covered pages, my two favorite fragrances, and
suddenly all was Zen in my world. A new display of Harry
Potter shirts and bags caught my eye and sucked me in like
a tractor beam.

I ran my fingers down the strap of a messenger bag with an owl pattern on one side and Platform 9 3⁄4 on the other. It seemed to be calling my name. I opened the flap. The bag was divided into two compartments and even had loops for pens. “I love this.”

“It’s cute,” Nina said. “I don’t really need another bag.”

“Since when does need have anything to do with it?” I
had what some might call a purse problem. I liked to think
of it as an eclectic collection of geek-girl handbags.

“Didn’t you tell me not to let you buy any more purses?”

I hugged the messenger bag to my chest. “I have no
recollection of that conversation.”

“Do you have room in your closet for another purse?”

I pictured the shelf in the top of my closet. My handbags were lined up facing out like they were on display because seeing them made me happy. There wasn’t much room left. “If I put the Darth Vader bag inside the Tardis bag I could fit this one up there, too.”

“I would point out that the Darth Vader bag is bigger
than the Tardis,” Nina said. “But I know what your response
to that statement would be.”

“It’s bigger on the inside.” I grinned. While Nina didn’t
share a love for all my geeky fandoms, she did at least
understand and appreciate them. I ran my hand over the bag.
“But cross pollinating fandoms might lead to a disruption in
the space-time continuum, so I could just keep this bag on
my dresser.”

Nina snorted but didn’t bother responding. Then she
picked up a pair of socks with an owl and wand pattern.
“You can never have too many pairs of socks and they take
up much less room.”

I sighed and checked the price on the bag. It was
more than I wanted to spend. So, I reluctantly set it back
down. “Don’t worry, dear. I’ll be watching for you to go on
clearance.” I grabbed a pair of socks decorated with the
Sorting Hat and Harry Potter spectacles and checked the
price tag. “These are cute and much more budget friendly.”

My job at Crazy Crafts kept me in yarn and books with
a little left over for fun money. I crocheted scarves and sold
them on Etsy, so in a way one of my hobbies paid for itself.
Now that we were headed into warmer weather, my
scarf sales would drop. That was okay. I could crochet and
stock up for next winter.

“Good choice. I declare tomorrow Harry Potter sock
day,” she stated like it was a new holiday.

“Works for me.”

99% Faking It is now available on Netgalley.

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Make Me Laugh Wednesday

It’s Make Me Laugh Wednesday. I hope you’re having a great week.

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Super Bowl Sunday or Puppy Bowl

Depending on your point of view it’s either Super Bowl Sunday or Puppy Bowl day. I’m a pet person, so I spend more time checking out the cute critters on the puppy bowl. I love that people come together to find forever home for these furry creatures. Whatever you’re watching I hope you have a great Sunday.

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Make Me Laugh Wednesday

I hope wherever you are you’re staying warm. One perk of being a speech therapist for a school district is being off work when the weather turns freakishly cold. Here are some random funny memes. I hope they make you smile.

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Netflix and hulu:What are You Watching?

It used to be that everyone watched the same shows on the same night at the same time. With Netflix and hulu people watch whatever they want whenever they want. (Not to mention wherever they want since you can watch on your tablet or phone.)

What have you been watching? We’ve worked our way through The Haunting of Hill House, You, Supernatural, Agents of Shield, and Eureka. We started watching Freakish on hulu. It’s kind of like Breakfast Club meets The Walking Dead. There are some cliche moments but there have also been some interesting twists. It’s entertaining and that’s all I’m really asking for. What are you watching?

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Make Me Laugh Wednesday

It’s Make Me Laugh Wednesday. I love to make people laugh which is why I write romantic comedies and snarky shape-shifting dragons. (shameless self promotion) I hope these funny finds make you smile.

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