J.B. Garner's Blog, page 4

Starving (Audio)review: The Flight to Brassbright by Lori Alden Holuta

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The Flight to Brassbright by Lori Alden Holuta, narrated by Lea Popielinski (Audible)

Good morning, my literary foodies! Let’s start our Friday off right with a quick Starving Audioreview for a meal I’ve previously dined on in the written form, The Flight to Brassbright! A coming of age steampunk adventure, it was a delightful read but how well does Flight stack up in an audio format?

Quite well, as it turns out! The audiobook edition is completely unabridged so listeners won’t miss any of the original tale while the narrator does an excellent job both voicing the main character Constance while providing a broad range of accents and vocal stylings to bring the rest of the cast to life. There is a lot of heart to her narration, something that gets across the delightful sense of wonder and discovery that characterized the original book.

Definitely deserving a hearty round of applause all around, the audiobook edition of The Flight to Brassbright is well worth a listen, as excellent as the written edition. If you’re an on-the-go audiophile who wants to hear some fun and wonderful steampunk literature, definitely pick this one up. If you’ve read the book and are curious, rest assured this is a worthwhile purchase!

FINAL VERDICT: ***** (As wonderful and heartfelt as the written edition!)

General News: A Week of Sick (Not The Cool 90’s Kind of Sick)! a.k.a. Recovery and Getting Back to Work

So it’s been quiet around here for a little bit after my last big announcement and I apologize for that. Unfortunately, unlike some silences, this one wasn’t for a good reason as I’ve been sick as all get out for a bit. Thankfully, I’m now back to maybe 80 percent, which means things are about to get back to business.

Some quick updates on what little I have managed to accomplish in the meantime:

Rune Service has been moved back to later this month. The manuscript is tight, the editing is just about done, and the art is on its way!
Everything is on course for Pensacon! My stock should be in next week, as well as some fresh new business cards. My excitement continues to grow!
I did get some reading and some listening done while I was convalescing. We will have both a Starving Review and a Starving Audioreview this coming week, maybe even TWO Reviews.
My schedule is also heating up as I enter into some new writing and editing contracts this month. That may mean we’ll be sticking to the bare basics in terms of updates until these deadlines are met. Wish me luck!

Thank you for your patience in this regard! Expect new content by the end of the week and until then, good reading, good writing, and good luck!

Convention News: I Kept It A Secret For SO LONG! a.k.a. Pensacon 2017 alongside WordFire Press!

So I’ve been a naughty minx for quite sometime. I have had a secret tended in its little box for months now but now I have the go ahead to reveal it to the world at large.

You may (or may not) have been wondering why I haven’t mentioned any conventions this year. Part of that has been planning and finances but the real, big reason is that I have received the honor and privilege of an invitation to appear at Pensacon 2017 alongside the amazing authors of WordFire Press and have the chance to sell my works alongside theirs!

This is a huge moment for me. We’re talking rubbing elbows with the likes of Kevin J. Anderson, Dave Butler, Robin Hobb, and Mercedes Lackey! More than that, it’s being given a seat (if only for a few days) at a table with this caliber of author. It might even be the start of a brand new stretch of my writing career.

So I hope to see you there in February! Thank you for all your support and wish me luck!

Starving Review: Johnny and Jamaal by K. M. Breakey

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Johnny and Jamaal by K. M. Breakey (Amazon, Goodreads)

It’s a brand new year, my literary foodies, and the new year serves up new meals from the pantry. Today, we take a bit out of a particularly spicy bit of contemporary fiction, one that promises to delve heavily into themes of racial prejudice, politics, and social dysfunction. Yes, despite what you might think from the cover, sports are only a sideline bit in this meal. So, with the intention to tackle such explosive themes, does J and J treat those themes well while still being a tasty meal?

Before we find out, raise your hand and take the Starving Review pledge:

I attempt to rate every book from the perspective of a fan of the genre
I attempt to make every review as spoiler-free as possible

Hoo-boy, this will be a tough one. As has happened before with particularly politically or socially charged books, this one is going to wind up with two ratings, one based purely on the writing and another based on the factual/political content. See, this particular fictional meal incorporates a large amount of real-life, fairly contemporary events and people. As with any historical or contemporary recipe that does so, we have to take into account accuracy and research into the end sum. Enough beating about the bush, let’s get to it!

First, let us look at the pure writing end of things. J and J is an overall well-written piece. The wordsmithing is tight and clean, the plot follows a solid arc, and the major characters are fairly well-developed. Secondary characters tend to be rather cardboard and stereotyped, which is something of a shame in such a socially charged book, leeching away some of the nuances of the situation.I do particularly appreciate one early swerve that is well-written. The only real, glaring flaw on the writing end are the occasional info-dumps that come up, sometimes to dump a character’s backstory and sometimes for a dose of political information. They aren’t deal-breakers but they do lead to some clogs in the pacing of the tale.

Now about those political and social themes … okay, the biggest problem with tackling contemporary issues in any book is laying a foundation of factual information. This sounds easy with the wealth of information that can be found on the Internet and through a variety of media sources but it really isn’t. We have to deal with fake news sources, heavily biased media on all sides of the political spectrum, and search engine algorithms altering results to fit our search histories and confirmation bias. This is made even harder with the difficulties of examining current events in an unbiased fashion … it is simply so close and so recent to look at it through an unvarnished lens.

What does that mean for J and J? Well, without going into SPOILERS, I can say that while elements of the main theme (we need to move on to a post-racial society and all people are indeed equal) are fantastic, the path the chef takes to make those points is terribly flawed. Real-world events are brought up, but the facts presented do not match the real facts of the events. Broad judgments are made without factual information to back them up. Politics and social information provided is shown through the lens of a deeply, deeply conservative political bias. I won’t even touch on some of the awkward racial and social implications that linger in the background. It really feels like a social and political tract written by a very well-meaning person who didn’t do a good enough job in the research department.

This might not even be a problem if this wasn’t so contemporary and trying to offer answers to big problems. If this were a purely entertainment piece, it would be fine. It isn’t, though, and doesn’t pretend to be. That’s where it becomes a problem because readers assume that writers do their research and that if they provide ‘facts’, the reader will assume they are facts, regardless of the actual truth.

Whew, okay, so let’s try to sum this up: Johnny and Jamaal is a well-written, well-meaning, but ultimately factually flawed contemporary politically meal. I find it hard to openly endorse this for anyone. Again, the ultimate message is a good one but the path there is so riddled with misinformation that I can’t really condone it. However, it is still well-written so as long as you walk into it knowing the issues, it may be worth the read for the writing and ultimate message alone.

DUAL SCORE FINAL VERDICT!

WRITING SCORE: **** (Well-written with some pacing missteps!)

SOCIOPOLITICAL SCORE: ** (A good message in the end but factually flawed and heavily biased.)

FINAL AVERAGE SCORE: *** (A well-written, well-meaning, but ultimately factually flawed contemporary politically meal.)

Starving Review: Blood Curse (Waves of Darkness Book 1) by Tamara A. Lowery

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Blood Curse (Waves of Darkness Book 1) by Tamara A. Lowery (Amazon, Goodreads)

You know, for post-holiday literary cravings, one could do worse than pick up some fresh seafood. That being the case, that’s exactly what I did! Today’s literary meal is a spicy bit of historical fiction set during the Golden Age of Piracy. Magic, vampires, creatures, pirates, and rum are the promises of the day in Blood Curse so let’s hit the waves and see it the meal is as filling as it promises!

Before we tip back the rum barrel, let us swear our oaths to the rules of the Starving Review:

I attempt to rate every book from the perspective of a fan of the genre
I attempt to make every review as spoiler-free as possible

What’s up for offering certainly looks to be fulfilling. From the start, it is obvious that the chef put in her homework, studying the history of the region and the lore of piracy. There is some real effort put in to create a sense of reality to then lay the supernatural elements on top of like a spongy layer cake. This all helps to create that certain ‘lived-in’ feeling that good world-building engenders. What supernatural elements are introduced to this point show a good bit of internal consistency, so that’s bonus points there.

The seas remain smooth as we move onto the cast of characters. We have a good focus on fleshing out our anti-heroic protagonist and his innermost circle, while our assorted antagonists get thinner icing. Still, no characters go wafer-thin outside of throwaways. The only somewhat sour note is that some characters wind up having too much of the cake sliced for them. The tale is third person omniscient and there are moments where that viewpoint shifts through one-note characters, taking time away from the important characters or sometimes throwing the brakes on the pacing.

And that’s the only really uneven element of Blood Curse … the pacing. Overall, things run smoothly, especially in action and dramatic scenes. However, between the sometimes eccentric choices for PoV characters and drag points where we run into the rare but still worthy of noting Infodump about some supernatural or historical element, there are points of serious drag. It doesn’t ruin the meal, to be upfront about it, but it does lead to the occasional dull course and baffling ingredient choice.

The plot is solid, setting the stage for supernatural pirate adventures, creating a core metaplot for the entire series while still setting out a solid storyline for this first volume, concluding it nicely while setting sail for the next one. Again, the only plot flaw is in the pacing, a large portion of the meal is in the set-up of the whole overarching series, leaving the first actual adventure a bit fluffy. Again, nothing deal-breaking but worth noting. Still, one can make a solid argument that with the fluff out of the way in the first book, the rest of the series should be a laser-focused adventure fest.

To bring it all together, Blood Curse is a rousing meal of pirates, blood, and magic, with only a few sour notes! If you love historical fantasy or the whole pirate concept, I certainly suggest checking this out! If you’ve had your fill of supernatural stuff in general or don’t like historical fiction on the main, you might want to skip this particular meal.

FINAL VERDICT: **** (A rousing meal of pirates, blood, and magic, with only a few sour notes!)

Starving Interview: Tamara A. Lowery, author of the Waves of Darkness series

Good morning and happy post-Christmas to those that celebrate it! After my holiday food coma, it is time to get back to work here at Starving Author Industries and we start that work off with a fresh Starving Interview!

Today’s guest is Tamara A. Lowery, author of the Waves of Darkness series, the first of which will be this week’s Starving Review subject! Enjoy!

Please introduce yourself to my literary foodies!

Ahoy and greetings! I’m Tamara A. Lowery, author of the Waves of Darkness series.

Do you do any work outside of the writing kitchen?  Any non-work interests?

I’ve been working in the automobile manufacturing industry for nearly seven years now. Before that I’ve held jobs in housekeeping, window treatments manufacturing, retail, and food service. I also consider myself an artist/illustrator, and I dabble in music.

What is your latest dish to be served up?  Are there any past pieces of literary cuisine you think we should take a bite out of?

The sixth book in my Waves of Darkness series, The Daedalus Enigma, just became available in all e-book formats and in print in November. The other books in the series are (in order) Blood Curse, Demon Bayou, Silent Fathoms, Black Venom, and Hell’s Dodo. I also have one e-book-only short story, In the Dead of Winter, which is not related to the series but is available from the same publisher, Gypsy Shadow Publishing.

What made you want to put on the chef’s hat and whip up your own books?

I HAVE to be creative. Writing has proven one of my favorite outlets for this need.

Do you have a genre of specialty or do you dabble?  Why?

I will say I dabble, even though my current catalogue of published works all fall under some aspect of Horror. The Waves of Darkness books are Horror/Adventure; my short story is Dark Fantasy. I am currently developing a Steampunk adventure serial (The Adventures of Pigg & Woolfe) and prepping it to shop to publishers. I also have a dystopian novel (There Is No Arizona) I plan to begin in earnest once I’ve finished the MS for my seventh Waves of Darkness book, Maelstrom of Fate. I have several short story ideas awaiting my attention in various genres, and a New Adult Fantasy novel which has been back-burnered for a few years, A Dream of Water, based on a very vivid dream I once had.

Why do I dabble? I love variety in my reading material; why not pass that along to my readers? After all, not everyone wants to eat the same thing every day; therefore it stands to reason they wouldn’t want to read the same thing every day, either.

Style!  Every literary chef aspires to have their own unique one!  What do you think sets yours apart and why?

I tend toward more dialogue, but I strive to improve my descriptive and action writing. I hope to be able to put my reader in the story. I’m still developing my style, to be honest.

Even the best of us find inspiration is the dishes of others.  Do you have any literary inspirations, heroes, and influences?

Anne McCaffrey, hands down, was one of the best world-builders I’ve ever read. She made her characters feel real and each of her worlds was unique and vivid. I also take inspiration from a contemporary of mine, Stephanie Osborn. She helped teach me the importance of research properly used to immerse readers in one’s world without subjecting them to an info dump. Her characterizations are spot on, as well. There are multiple authors I could add to this list.

Let’s get into the meat and potatoes: the art and craft of writing itself!  Do you have a preference of points-of-view when you write?

I’m a head-jumper. I like writing third person omniscient, because I “hear” the thoughts of most of my characters. I realize this gets confusing for readers (as pointed out by my editors and beta readers), so I’ve been working on limiting my POV to that of one character per scene or chapter division… unless two characters are telepathically linked during the scene. At that point, I try to make their “voices” unique enough to tell them apart by their speech patterns. I do have one short story out on submission for a horror anthology which I’ve limited to just a single character’s POV written in third person.

  Sparse or wordy, how do you like your descriptions served up?  Are you a Hemmingway man or do you like some saucy adjectives with your nouns?

It depends on the individual scene and/or character. I’m sparser with descriptions than I think is good, sometimes, I admit. But I don’t want to spend three paragraphs describing the darn curtains, either.

Picking off the menu of base literary conflicts, what’s your favorite and why?

I like to see how my main character will deal with and overcome, or not, obstacles thrown at him by other characters, circumstances, or his own inner demons. How can I challenge him without boring my readers? I don’t think I always succeed at this, but I refuse to let that stop me from trying. After all, there are no failed experiments; only more data.

What do you think is more important to your recipes, plot or characterization?  Why?

Characterization; readers have a need to see how a character grows and learns from their experiences. The plot for the books in the series are pretty similar; pirate captain Viktor Brandewyne must find a different Sister of Power in each book and perform some quest or task to earn a portion their magic in order to break the curse which made him a living vampire. This similarity is part of what ties the books together as a series.

We all know that the first taste means the most!  What do you do to get that first bite hook with your readers?

In this series, I’ve started each book with a prologue titled Once Upon a Tide. These give the readers vignettes from various characters’ pasts which tie in with the main body of the book at some point. It’s sort of like an Easter egg hunt to find the reference back to the OUaT events.

The most important of questions: Cake or pie?

Both, but not at the same time.

Finally, if you could give one piece of advice to aspiring literary chefs out there, what would it be?

Keep practicing. Listen to advice from experts, but determine for yourself what works best for you, because tastes vary widely. Research: it’s not just for getting the facts right in your fiction; it is also a valuable tool for finding the right outlet (publishing venue) for your work and to keep realistic expectations of the obstacles you WILL face on the road to publication; rejections, and both constructive criticism, and trolling/flaming of your writing. Learn to take rejection without falling apart over it; it is GOING to happen … a LOT. Not everyone is going to like what you write, but somebody WILL, as long as you don’t give up. Never fall into the delusion that your writing is perfect. No one’s is. Every writer out there could stand to improve their skills and craft, myself especially. The learning and improving are part of the joy of writing.

I know; that was more than one piece of advice. Thanks for having me.

Starving Review: AlterWorld (Play to Live Book 1) by D. Rus

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AlterWorld (Play to Live Book 1) by D. Rus (Amazon, Goodreads)

The world of literary cuisine is constantly shifting, flowing, and adapting with new sub-genres popping up all the time. One of the newest in the science-fiction and fantasy recipe book is being called the LitRPG. Concerned with merging concepts of virtual reality, video game role-playing games, and other sci-fi concepts, it is a cuisine I’ve heard of and sampled in its ur-examples, such as Sword Art Online and Ready Player One, I have yet to take a bite out of the vast array of other meals that have spawned in their wake. Today, we’ll find out exactly how well one of the most prominent of those meals, AlterWorld by Russian chef D. Rus, matches up to those previous meals.

Before we log in and strap on our swords, let’s take a look at the Starving Review Wiki:

I attempt to rate every book from the perspective of a fan of the genre
I attempt to make every review as spoiler-free as possible

As an avid gamer and oft-addict to MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games to the uninitiated), AlterWorld should cater to my tastes, using a setting of a virtual fantasy MMORPG with a tantalizing backdrop of a future Russia plagued by a syndrome where players wind up permanently stuck in virtual worlds through their equipment, even after their bodies die. This idea of a ‘perma effect’ is quite fascinating actually and could be used to explore all manner of ideas, from spirituality to philosophy to religion.

In fact, the meal starts with hints of such as our main protagonist discovers he has terminal cancer and seeks a way to outlive his death. This starts things off with a sense of urgency and tension as Max tries to not only get together the right equipment but is paced against his own impending demise. Can he discover how exactly to go ‘perma’ and at least save his consciousness if not his life?

The problem comes in that this goal is achieved before the middle course of the meal. While there are some points of intrigue beyond this, much of the dramatic tension is gone, as death is far from permanent in the virtual world with respawns and resurrection being a part of the game. There are some hints of what could be worse at the VERY end of the book, but it’s a bit too late to add any drama.

But what about the game part of the meal? Much of the appeal of the LirRPG genre to many is the concept of the game and living in the game, regardless of threat or dramatic tension. Who doesn’t enjoy a good power fantasy from time to time? That also doesn’t taste right to me and to understand that, let’s take a second to talk about the appeal of the play of an actual MMORPG.

Achievements and gaining power in an MMORPG feels good (at least in a well-designed one) as they are accomplishments that you achieve as a player. You have to work to get those levels, to get that gear, to beat those bosses. Like anything that takes effort and skill, you get that endorphin rush from finishing it and reaping the rewards of that effort.

AlterWorld makes its biggest misstep in that regard as our protagonist has almost every big accomplishment (of which he makes many quickly) is either dropped into his lap by sheer luck or relies on illogical world-building or coincidences. Even when he seems to do something based on outside-the-box thinking, it relies on such basic ideas that it is totally unbelievable a game with millions upon millions of players as AlterWorld is supposed to have wouldn’t have had others come up with the same ideas first. Trust me, if you have any familiarity with how modern MMORPG players think and work, you will understand what I mean.

The core writing is solid, at least, if a little stilted because of the translation from Russian. There are some other problematic elements, though. The side characters are rather cardboard outside of an interesting military veteran who has found a life in the virtual world after his body was ruined in war and the romance subplot is practically dead on arrival. Finally, the game itself is extremely uninteresting, essentially being a rip-off of World of Warcraft and the venerated EverQuest.

In the end, AlterWorld teases at some intriguing tastes in a fresh genre but fails to follow through, winding up a half-baked cake at best. If you really love the LitRPG genre, you might enjoy a read through, especially as it is currently free on Amazon, but if you want more than a by-the-numbers recounting of someone playing an MMO that lacks much of the philosophy and interesting ideas of the LitRPG, go somewhere else.

FINAL VERDICT: ** (Some intriguing tastes in a fresh genre but fails to follow through, winding up a half-baked cake at best.)

Guest Post: Important Tips to Consider When Self-Publishing! by Cassie Phillips

It’s our first guest post, folks, brought to us by Cassie Phillips from Secure Thoughts! Enjoy!

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 Self-publishing is a great way for new and up-and-coming authors to get their work seen and bought. It’s given the power back to the hands of the writer and negated the need to deal with big-name publishing houses and other middlemen.

However, just because you’ve chosen to self-publish doesn’t guarantee you’ll have automatic success. These tips will help aspiring authors get the most out of their online book releases.

Don’t Trust Your Editor

Editing is an essential part of any writing. No matter how sure you are that you’ve spell-checked everything, it’s easy to overlook typos and difficult-to-understand sections in your own writing. Similarly, having a fresh pair of eyes to read your book before it goes out to the public is a fantastic way to flag stale or confusing parts.

However, it’s important to remember your editor is still only human and just as liable to make mistakes as you are. Plus, he or she doesn’t have as comprehensive an understanding of your aim as you do. Because of this, it’s essential to reread your work once it’s come back from editing. It’s your name that will be going out with it, after all.

Represent Your Brand

We live in an age of the personality, where people want to know as much about the person behind the words as the book itself. All authors, but self-publishers especially, need to embrace being the face of their brand. This can be done by setting up blogs, websites and social media accounts to allow you fans to get to know you.

However, this pursuit requires a bit of maintenance. Sloppy online practices can harm business more than help it. Falling victim to a security breach or having hackers post spam links or advertisements under you name is a sure way to lose many followers.

To avoid this, it’s important to be stringent about links you click when browsing the internet, and exercise caution when opening suspicious emails. Another common culprit for this problem is using unsecure public WiFi networks. To overcome this issue, you can use a good quality Virtual Private Network, which will encrypt all your data and allow you to secure yourself when working on the go. See this Secure Thoughts review for more information.

Choose Your Distributor

There are many platforms to help you distribute your work, and each has its own set of benefits and drawbacks. In this case, knowing your A from B is going to be essential to ensure your success. In terms of commission, Lulu reigns supreme; however, it doesn’t provide as much visibility as publishing on Amazon, for example.

Affiliate programs—such as Createspace for Amazon—are an excellent way to get your work onto some of the most popular book distribution platforms but are often more expensive. They have the added annoyance of price matching for customers, making it difficult for you choose to list your books for cheaper elsewhere.

Apple Books is a great option for Mac users, as you can create formatted e-books from scratch in the iBooks Author app before publishing straight onto the platform. However, a recent change in e-book formats that Apple will host has created an exclusivity problem, making it harder for up-and-coming writers to sell their work via the company. While claiming to maintain the industry standard by supporting EPUB and PDF files, iBooks 2.0 adds extra CSS extensions to the equation, creating a unique MIME type file.

Fortunately, there are specialists out there who understand these intricacies and can help you overcome the problem. For example, Bookbiz offers specialty conversion services to almost any format imaginable.

There are also many e-book aggregate organizations available, such as Smashwords, which are a fantastic choice for new writers. Once registered, you can submit your manuscript, and they’ll change it into the correct format and support your publication on a broad range of well-known book distribution platforms.

Know Your End Goal

Sometimes the best place to start is at the end. There are countless reasons why people choose to publish their work, and deciding on your motive drastically affects the publishing path you may choose to take. If it’s purely for profit, factual guides and how-to books are always a hit. Similarly, creating work that can be used as a classroom resource is an excellent way to encourage bulk investment in your book.

If you’re writing to spread a message, you’ll want to focus on your visibility on the web. Creating your own online marketing campaign, as well as staying active on social media, is paramount for success in this goal. However, if you’re just writing for a personal project or to progress your career, it might be worth looking into the online publishing community. Many blogs and websites offer reviews or guest post options that are an excellent way to get your name out there.

Self-publishing is one of the greatest tools at your disposal! With these four points, you are well on your way to finding success with your work, so there’s no excuse not to start that novel now!

About the Author : Cassie is an entertainment and technology blogger and a lifelong bookworm. She loves hunting down new, exciting authors on the internet and sharing all she finds with fellow book lovers.

Sneak Peek: Rune Service Chapter 1!

As I mentioned last week when I previewed some initial sketches, I proudly present Chapter 1 of my next novel, Rune Service! Enjoy!

Chapter 1

“It’s a real shame you had to work tonight, Mary,” Sarah said as she leaned against the Ease-E-Mart counter, “what with your big date and all.”

I was surprised she remembered that. We weren’t precisely friends, you understand. Sarah was one in a baker’s dozen of customers that came by every evening. They all shared my misfortune of having to work in the middle of the blasted night, so we formed a little community of sorts, a support group for mass commiseration.

I shifted my weight on the milk crate I was standing on as I sighed. “Eh, I really don’t care,” I said, trying to sound way more nonplussed than I actually was. “It’s extra money I could really use and let’s be honest, on-line dating is overrated anyway.” Which was both the truth and totally a lie at the same time.

No way in Hell was I going to admit that my prospective date had canceled the exact second he found out that the profile pictures hadn’t been some strange practical joke. It’s the bitter truth that your average red-blooded American male (or any man for that matter … any woman either) just isn’t into four-foot tall bearded women.

No, that isn’t a joke. Welcome to the life of Mary Stone, overnight service station attendant!

Sarah gave me an unbelieving look as she poked at the El Explodo microwave burrito she had purchased. “Yeah and I’m Nicki Minaj.” Her purple lips made a little ‘oh’, the color almost garish on her black skin, especially with the bright blonde bouffant. “Shoot, sorry, honey. I know you were hoping you’d get lucky this time.”

I let out a double sigh as I leaned my chin against my fist, my silky red beard engulfing my hand. I had spent four hours this morning washing, shampooing, conditioning, and brushing the albatross hanging off my chin, determined to follow that old chestnut of making a weakness a strength. It’s not like I could shave it, not when it grew back within an hour.

“It’s okay,” I lied, waving my free hand dismissively at her. “It’s not like you’re wrong. I’m not a good liar.” I pushed off the counter and hopped down from my crate, dipping below the front counter. “Dammit, it’s so frustrating, though! I know I’m nobody’s idea of a sex symbol but you’d think there would be somebody out there who would at least do more than a blind date!”

I couldn’t see Sarah as I clomped around to the counter door, but I could hear her sympathetic grunt between mouthfuls of El Explodo. As much as I didn’t want to be here, I felt compelled to do my job and do it right which meant changing out the coffee every hour on the hour. That was right about now, but that wasn’t the only reason I felt like moving around.

There was something niggling in my gut like I had been crazy enough to eat an El Explodo myself or maybe stuck my fingers into an electrical socket. I thought that moving would work it out but it persisted. Sighing, I trudged down to the back wall with its assortment of drink machines and coffee pots, with everything from Mega Gulp Slushies to Triple Fudge Mocha Latte Instant Cappuccino available to fill the greediest of guts.

Sarah finally swallowed down her dinner and offered more sympathies. “There’s somebody for everybody, I honestly believe that.” I grunted in reply as I pulled myself up on the coffee counter. “Trust me, if some of the ladies that take my cab can get men, you can find somebody. You’re a helluva lot smarter than them, you’re hard-working, and you’ve gotta be loyal if you’re still showing up to this dump with what they pay you.”

“Oh, if you only knew.” Clomping down the counter, I methodically changed out the grounds on each of the tall coffee urns and fired up each machine. The damn things were almost as tall as I was, making them my perpetual nemesis at work. “Put a needle in my eye, but I’d be honest in saying life was easier on the road.”

“Say, you never did tell me what you did ‘on the road’.” No, I never did tell her, mainly as she was an insufferable gossip. Not a bad person, not at all, but I’d sooner tell Sarah my sordid past as I’d tell her the combination to the Ease-E-Mart safe.

“There, coffee’s done,” I announced right as the front bell chimed.

Sarah straightened up, brushing crumbs off her Hello Yellow Taxi Service jacket, while I craned my head over the aisles of junk food and overpriced travel supplies. It wasn’t exactly up to health code for me to trample down the counters in my work shoes. While the regulars didn’t care, I couldn’t afford to get fired because of some random midnight traveler reporting me.

That weird twisting in my stomach became twitching electricity up my spine as I laid eyes on my new customer. The guy was tall, easily six and a half feet tall, and slender under his stylish white leather coat. Hell, his entire get-up could have walked straight out of The Matrix in its attempt to be retro-cool. My only judgment was that it was an awfully huge waste of money.

In total contrast to the overpriced ostentatiousness of the clothes, his face was breathtakingly handsome. Flawless, pale skin over delicate features, that delicacy was balanced by a strong chin and intense gold-flecked green eyes, shaded by a wide-brimmed fedora. His lips were curled into an easy smile and his long, honey-gold hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail. This man could have stepped off the cover of a romance novel, for Pete’s sake.

I was transfixed, staring like a damn idiot while that tingle danced down into my fingers and toes. Sarah, well, she was obviously ready to make a grab for fresh meat as she stepped away from the remains of her burrito. “Well, hello there, honey,” she purred. “You look like you need a ride somewhere, dontcha?”

Mr. Handsome completely ignored her as he strode across the store, past the counter in a straight line towards me. I should have hopped down, the threat of the Health Inspector hovering over me, but I couldn’t. I’d never felt quite like this before, even when I thought I was in love before, and I had no idea what to do.

He barely had to look up at me as tall as he was, a quirk of a smile on his perfect lips as he held his hand up to me. “May I help you down from your perch, dear lady?” His voice was the hot knife to the butter of my ears and I took his hand without thinking. I barely noticed that my beefy mitt almost engulfed his narrow-fingered hand. “You’re exactly what I was looking for, what I was feeling.”

My brain caught up to my libido as he gently tugged on my arm. “Wait, what are you saying?” I arched a suspicious eyebrow, that electrical tingle evaporating. “What exactly do you think I am?” P. T. Barnum famously pronounced there was a sucker born every minute, a fact that I saw proven time and time again during my carnie life, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to be one.

A look of confusion played over his timeless face as he gave my arm another futile tug. I might be vertically challenged, but I was almost as wide as I was tall and my new admirer had noodle arms in comparison to mine. “I need your help. Well, the help of a dwarf anyway.”

The spell was completely broken then, and not just for me. Sarah stepped away from the impending explosion, her lips pursed as she let out a low, deep, “Ohhhh.”

As for me, I wrenched my hand free from his, not making a pretense of being gentle. “Oh, you need a dwarf then? Some kind of rich, pretty-boy bastard, aren’t you?” That look of confusion compounded ten-fold, but I didn’t give a shit as I pushed him back from the counter with a foot in his chest. “Did you come to gawk at the weird little woman you heard about from the drunk down the street? Or maybe you’re all jaded and decided you needed something exotic to play with?”

“I, well, no, it’s nothing like that,” he tried to sputter out, hands instinctively brushing at my shoeprint on his immaculate white leather.

I hopped down from the counter, landing heavily on the tile, my cheeks as red as my hair and beard. His excuses were going in one ear and out the other as I continued to rant, “Don’t you dare lie to me! I’ve spent my whole life being stared at, on display in front of the crowd, pointed and laughed at for a cheap buck or two.” I barely came up to his waist but I wouldn’t let him talk down to me. Shoving him roughly against the nearest aisle and upsetting a selection of snack cakes, I growled, “I’m done with that, so if you’re looking for some cheap thrills, you can take your goldilocks down to the red light district!”

“No, please, you have the wrong idea, good woman!” He raised his hands defensively and took a deep breath. What came out next was almost a song, his perfect voice twinkling like bells with words I didn’t know, yet I somehow understood all the same. “I am Aelfread Aelfson, noble-blooded scion of the Sylvarian Elves, heir of the Spaces Below The Lakes, and I humbly beseech the aid of you, my full-blooded Dwarven sister.” As if to provide some tangible proof, he pulled off his fedora, letting his long hair cascade down and freeing his long, sharply pointed ears.

“What kind of crazy-ass language was that?” Sarah asked. “You ain’t an alien or anything, are you?”

Whatever that language was, it sent shivers up my spine. Though I didn’t know where or when, I had heard it before and I knew it like I was born to speak it. Something was horribly horribly wrong here, but through that instinctual pulse of danger in my veins, I felt a thrill, the thrill of discovery. A puzzle piece had been put into place that I didn’t even know had been missing.

Sarah looked at me in a panic and Aelfread looked down at me pleadingly. I looked down, biting my lip and stroking my beard, deciding in that moment which way I was going to go. I could try to forget this, send the so-called elf packing, and go back to stocking shelves, or I could try to embrace this new reality that had walked into the Ease-E-Mart.

“Sarah, it’s okay,” I said, trying to sound confident and doing a surprisingly good job at it, “but I think you’d better go.”

Apparently, she didn’t need to be told twice. Sarah gave me a single backward glance as she got to the front doors and then was gone, the bells tinkling as the doors swung closed behind her.

Aelfread ran his right hand through his hair, his hat still clenched in his left. He continued to speak in that other language, obviously relieved. “You’re doing the right thing, you know. My father will reward you greatly for your assistance. Surely even so far from the Lakes, all Figments know of his vast wealth and generosity!”

I turned back to the willowy elf and folded my arms over my chest, straining the fabric of my regulation red uniform shirt. I wasn’t sure if I could speak what he was speaking, but when I tried to, it came out naturally, as if I’d been speaking it my whole life. “What in God’s name is a ‘figment’? I don’t know you or your father from Adam’s housecat, and I certainly didn’t know elves were real, but you obviously know something about me that I don’t.”

Aelfread looked me up and down, obviously not believing me for a moment, but that disbelief faded as I stared him down unflinchingly. If there’s one thing I could do, it is winning a staring contest. “You honestly don’t know what you are?” He chewed at his lip. “I didn’t think Dwarves had orphans.” It was weird but the word he was using for ‘dwarf’ in that language sounded … noble. It didn’t stink of the prejudice and distaste that I associated the English word with.

“All the same, though, you can still help me, my dear, and perhaps I can help you even more than offers of my father’s riches.”

“I’m not ‘your dear’, pretty boy.” I was pleased to know that I could still smart off in this alien language. “My name is Mary Stone … and maybe I’d be game for that, if what you’re offering is the truth about what the hell is going on right now.”

“My apologies, Lady Stone.” Aelfread accompanied his apology with a graceful flourish of a bow. “And if it pleases you, call me Aelfie. I find it is easier for most other Figments and humans to say.” As he stood upright, it was obvious to me that Aelfie was a bit nervous under his cool veneer, casting an occasional glance at the door. “I would be most honored to tell you all about your people and the world you have no doubt been ignorant too in exchange for your assistance in my current difficulties.”

I frowned, shifting to put a fist on my hip and stroking my beard with my other hand. There was every sign, from Aelfie’s nervousness to the obvious desperation to search for help in a convenience store, that this strange elf guy was in actual real trouble. I wanted to know more, more about what I apparently was, but did I have to stick my neck out for him? I knew there was more out there; I could try to find it by myself and not risk my life.

Sure, I could have done that, but there were a few reasons why I didn’t. First, Aelfie exuded charm and sexual magnetism, so much that I couldn’t exactly ignore him. Secondly and more importantly, there was a principle I had picked up from my sideshow past and that was that freaks had to stick together. Regardless of what might actually be, he was some weird alien elf and I was a freakish bearded dwarf lady. If we weren’t freaks, I didn’t know what would be.

I looked back up at his expectant smile and thrust up my hand at him. “All right, Aelfie. You’ve got yourself a deal.”

Relief lit up in his almond-shaped eyes as he grabbed my hand with both of his. “Oh, dear Mary, you won’t regret this!”

As if someone had been listening to those very words, the entire front display of the Ease-E-May exploded inward, sending glass shrapnel throughout the store. The bread display was turned into shredded wheat, the drink cooler bled cola out of a hundred holes, and the entire front half of the place was generally trashed.

I was regretting agreeing already.

 

(Audio)book News: Hear the Beat of the Heart of Gold! a.k.a. Heart of Gold Now Available on Audible!

If you don’t have the time to read the written page, you can listen to it instead! Heart of Gold, the first book of Clans of Shadow, is now available in audiobook form through Audible! Narrated by the great Joe Hempel, enjoy Frank Butcher’s inaugural adventure today!