Kern Carter's Blog, page 171

Anticipation

Image by: Jeremy Perkins

It’s back. The tightness, the pain, the rapid breathing as if I’m being chased and can’t escape. I can’t seem to shake this…nobody can hear me. Nobody can hear my cries. Nobody can feel the pain; the heat of my tears as they run down my face. In the silence, I hear it coming. I hear it coming for me. Coming to bring me back…back to where I used to be. Where the endless nightmares were just painful memories of reality. I hear the footsteps getting louder and louder as it gets closer. “I’m coming for you,” it says. I feel my body going numb…slowly being seduced into submission. I feel my lungs being cauterized as they fill with despair…I no longer fight for air. I watch as I slowly fade into the darkness, gradually sinking to the bottomless pit of my mind. I’m lost at sea. In a sea full of tidal waves with a force like no other. Anticipation of what’s to come fills my mind as I close my eyes. Close my eyes and wait to see what plans it has for me.

Anticipation was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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What I learned being homeschooled

What I learned Being Homeschooled

Sitting comfortably on the top of my bunk bed.

Math book open.

Flaming Hot Cheetos to the right of me.

This was the life.

The homeschool life.

When I tell people I was homeschooled, they assume I’m super smart, am secretly really weird, or ask if I’m religious.

I usually tell them that I’m wicked smart, am super weird, and am a judgmental Christian.

And most people assume homeschoolers are awkward.

Was I awkward as a homeschooler? NO DOUBT.

But any teenager is awkward at some point in their life. My awkward life was simply longer than others.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve appreciated why my parents homeschooled me.

My parents weren’t doctors or lawyers who decided to homeschool six kids.

They were normal parents. Neither went to college. My dad worked while my mom was the stay-at-home parent.

But what separated them from most parents were their values. And how they were going to instill their values on their kids.

Now my siblings and I hold those values today.

I learned to be an independent thinker

My siblings and I argue a lot.

I admit, I usually throw fuel into the fire whenever there’s potential for an argument.

I’m just livening up the conversation.

But if there’s one thing we agree on, it’s our motivation and determination to succeed at something.

My parents' homeschooling strategy was for us to learn the material ourselves.

I learned new math problems myself by reading and studying it. The same for reading, writing, science, history & other subjects.

My parents didn’t know everything. Not every parent does.

But my parents did teach us to learn on our own and be our own teacher.

As I grew older, it made me an independent thinker.

I learned Christian Values

As Christians, my parents had conservative values based on Biblical beliefs.

My dad used to wake me and my siblings up at 6 am to read the Bible before he went to work.

And I hated waking up early.

I was half asleep when my dad was reading.

Yet his reading every morning did shape my understanding of what I believed.

My mom taught guiding conservative principles to me and my siblings daily.

This was more than learning education.

I was learning what to believe and why.

My parents gave us an understanding of why we go to church, giving us a greater understanding beyond just going to church on Sunday.

I learned conservative, Christian principles that guided me as I grew older.

I learned the value of hard work

When my parents homeschooled me and my siblings, we had to do a ton of school projects, chores, or house projects.

And I hated every one of them.

I experienced hard work. Or what I believed was hard work.

Sometimes I think my parents wanted to homeschool us because we could do extra work around the house.

If this was their plan, it absolutely worked.

Yes, some days I was doing math on my bed, eating Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Other days I was helping my mom with home projects or running errands.

I didn’t mind because it broke me out of my routine.

And I hate routine.

Whenever my dad was home, we took a break from schoolwork to help with house projects.

To this day I hate when someone asks me “can you help me with this project or work?” I immediately assume it’s going to be a day-long project that requires moving mountains.

Since my dad used to say this with big projects, I now get overwhelmed when anyone says it.

He still says it.

I hated work projects as a kid.

Being homeschooled felt like I was always doing work, maybe because I was home a lot.

Now that I’m older, I find myself doing projects. And I hate being idle.

I love thinking about what to do next.

I love all the values my parents taught me, although I didn’t love it when I was a kid.

Being homeschooled instilled in me these values that I’m thankful for today.

Public school or private school could have taught me some of these values.

But being homeschooled provide a greater focus on what I needed to learn — values.

My siblings and I didn’t turn out to be doctors or lawyers.

We could have if we wanted to.

That wasn’t my parents’ goal when they decided to homeschool us.

It’s also not our goal, at least not my goal.

My goal is to be independently minded with strong values that reflect how I live my life.

What I learned being homeschooled was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Is there anything wrong with writing for fun?

Photo by Adam Jaime on Unsplash

This is a subject that I prefer to think about with a modest drink in my hand.

I always have ideas for something I want to write. Often, I want to weave stories of fantasy, high adventure, and fun. Maybe it’s the anxiety disorder talking, or maybe it’s the myriad of imposter syndrome feelings experienced by all artists, but I feel like “fun” is synonymous with “waste of time”.

In a world where hate crimes are on the rise in North America, the planet is getting warmer, the natural world is being devastated to feed the inherent greed of humanity, and untold millions of people are born hopeless, the idea of writing something I think is fun seems pitiful.

The late and great Stan Lee of Marvel comics wrote briefly about this sort of feeling in a book he wrote about writing comic books. He referred to the feeling of looking at this world full of serious problems and thinking that his own contributions have no weight or importance.

He ended that thought with a realization that entertaining people is something important. To be able to make people smile or think fondly of a story they experienced, in this world of serious problems, is quite a feat, and a worthwhile venture.

I try to keep this in mind in my own life. It’s too easy for me to become paralyzed in my writing because I think about the social responsibility of it, or rather, a responsibility to do something else.

This kind of thinking is ultimately useless for me. It doesn’t inspire me to get out in the world and do something. It just means I don’t write, or do anything but get wrapped up in my thoughts.

Even if it feels like a rejection of the real world, escapist and juvenile, I always feel better when I write. Telling stories is what I do, it’s one of a short list of things that make me feel good about being me.

If anybody reading this has felt similarly, the advice I will give you is the same advice I would give myself.

Write.

Listen to yourself. Make your art.

Is there anything wrong with writing for fun? was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

A Little Getaway

Musical Selection: Janet Jackson|Funny How Time Flies When You’re Having FunYellow|Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

What was supposed to be me visiting Orlando, Florida to catch up with family and enjoy my upcoming birthday in April has quickly turned into a massive change in plans. My older cousin called me on Saturday, March 23, 2019, to let me know that not only was there going to be slight changes in the arrangement of my staying with them for my trip, her husband’s brother and his family called with hopes of staying with them for the same week too. My cousin’s husband approved it and she immediately thought about me and my comfort level. People I do not know? Under the same roof for five days?

“What is Tre going to think about this?” “How will she feel?”

She called me to give me a chance to sit with the information for a bit and the more I thought about it, the more apprehensive I became. I was unsettled and at the same time, urging myself to give it a try, however, when I went to purchase my flight tickets, the prices had surged significantly and I told myself that this must be a sign. I wanted to be okay with it, I truly did, but I planned this trip about seven months ago and we were talking about the things we wanted to do, including my older cousin taking me for my first helicopter ride to celebrate another year on this earth.

After I saw the tickets’ prices, I shook my head wildly, knowing that I would not pay that much dough during Easter week for a short trip down South. I do not want to stay home to celebrate my birthday and I already requested time off from work to take place in three weeks, so I boosted myself to think about an alternative and was amazed at how I shifted gears so quickly. Not going to Florida to celebrate and take in some new scenery was not, is not the end of the world.

I logged onto my computer once again, entered a Google search for “Pet-friendly hotels in Asheville, NC” and commenced to familiarizing myself with nightly rates, discounts, and possible adventures for Jernee and I to experience. Although we will not be too far from home, we will spend time away in a city that I love and I plan on getting a lot of writing, editing, and hopefully publishing done.

When I made the call to inquire about one room, non-smoking, and double beds, the reservations specialist was more than happy to assist me. I sat on the phone, proud of myself really — I did not break down. I did not take it personally that things were shifting and changing when they had been planned for at least seven months. I simply found myself re-routing and preparing for what I probably need so much more — time away, peaceful time away.

I can feel myself diminishing creatively — a spark is dimming within me and I think this little getaway will cause a fire to glow once more. I have dubbed this thing that I feel, “brain strain.” Is that a thing? Let me Google: Ah, yes, yes, it is. According to Urban Dictionary, brainstrain “is when you are trying so hard to work out something far too complex for your state of mind at the present time that you get a headache.”

I plan to take hundreds of photographs while sight-seeing, experience new and exotic cuisine, go record store hopping, walk with Jernee, and whatever else comes along that may intrigue me. Just the scenery alone in Asheville is probably going to inspire two to three short stories, perhaps even another serial fictional work. I am ready for this little getaway. I think, my mind is too.

We need to refuel. As Creatives, a shift in scenery is sometimes necessary, even when we do not think we need it, something in our bodies pushes us to that place that is slightly different from what we are used to. Nourish your craft. Feed your talent. Embrace your ability to go with the flow and make magic happen. I am ready to usher in April with a smile in my heart and a song in my soul. My plans have changed, but my mission has not.

I am ready for the overflow. Are you?

Copyright© Tremaine L. Loadholt, 2019. All Rights Reserved.

*It’s good to still see Crystal Lady , Gloria DiFulvio , Jk Mansi , Sylvester Amponsah , John Horan , and Brian McFadden pushing their work out to the masses. They’ll make you want to keep writing.

A Little Getaway was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Feeling financially left behind

Photo by Niels Steeman on Unsplash

I’m 25 years old. When my father was my age, I was already born. Many of my peers are working in careers relevant to what they went to school for. Some of them are buying houses or having children of their own.

Meanwhile, I’ve been bouncing from part-time job to part-time job. I celebrate paycheques of $200. I’m embarrassed to go out with my peers for fear of wandering into a situation where I’ll need to spend more money than I ought to.

The jobs I’ve worked have all either been temporary or low-paying with no prospects. It’s been difficult, to say the least, to feel like I’m building the foundations for a life.

While I’m on that topic, I’ve been thinking about what decisions I can make to better my position. The question for me isn’t “what opportunities exist?” but “what opportunities should I follow?”

Everything feels like a risk. Everything feels like it may not work out and I’ll end up back where I am now.

When I think like this, my mind always returns to my roots. I think about escaping the high-speed nature of the city and returning to the wide open spaces and simple logic of country living.

Thinking like this is comforting, but it doesn’t exactly feel useful.

The fact of the matter is that I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’m not sure what the future looks like.

I don’t know what decisions I’m going to make.

I don’t want to become a rich person. I don’t have huge material aspirations or goals for what some would call greatness. In the simplest of terms, I just want enough money to live comfortably. I don’t want to fear my bills. I want to know that I will certainly be able to pay for groceries. These are goals that I feel are reasonable and ought to be achievable.

This is part, I think, of why I feel so stressed about not having achieved it yet.

Some people would see this sort of situation as exciting. I see it, and I can’t help but feel like I’m being left behind.

Feeling financially left behind was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Publishers Aren’t Grading Your Writing

Some advice that I got from my agent. During our first meeting, she told me that “publishers aren’t grading your writing.” Not sure how that makes you feel, but for me, it’s a relief. We writers go so hard trying to put together the perfect query, the perfect novel, the perfect pitch. But listening to my agent, it’s nearly impossible to send the right work to the wrong person. If they love it, they love it.

I extrapolate that insight to all my writing. Work as hard as I can to make it read as well as I can, but once I let it go, the reaction is out of my hands. It’s for the world to decide if what I’ve written connects with what they feel.

C.R.Y.

Publishers Aren’t Grading Your Writing was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Expectations vs Reality of a Writing Career

If you’ve ever watched 500 Days of Summer, you might remember a particular scene (spoilers).

Near the end of the movie, Tom (Joseph Gordan-Levitt) is invited to Summer’s (Zooey Deschanel) party.

After dating for over a year and having it end, Tom is eagerly hoping this party is a way to get back together with Summer.

As Tom walks up to her apartment, the movie splits into two screens; Tom’s expectations and reality.

https://medium.com/media/83e33563bf108ba25aab3a9eb50683c5/href

Tom’s expectations show him having a wonderful time with Summer throughout the party. By the end of the night, they end up together again, ultimately meeting his expectations.

Tom’s reality, however, offers a different experience.

Instead of Summer hanging out with Tom at the party, she’s seen with another guy.

Tom eventually sees the engagement ring on Summer’s hand and storms out.

I love this scene because everyone’s expectations are almost always different from their reality.

How often have you given up on something because it didn’t meet your expectations?

Consider the false reality of a career in writing.

You’ve heard the stories of people making 10k in a month from writing at home.

Now you want to try it.

You know you are a decent writer because your high school English teacher told you that you are really talented.

Your reality as a writer.

· You have 5 followers after a month.

· You make 100 dollars over 6 months.

I hate to sound like Negative Nancy, but this is true of a lot of writers.

You can dream all you want of being the next Hemingway, but there’s one certainty you must always come to terms with — failure.

Every great writer has failed at some point.

If your expectations as a writer are to have 25k followers and making 10k after a month, then your reality will probably be a failure.

If you ask any successful writer how long it took to be where they are today, they will always tell you it took over a month. It took over 6 months. It may have taken 10 years.

But they realized the reality of being persistent.

And persistence doesn’t just mean to write every day until you get noticed.

Persistence is devoting time to your craft. Learning how to write better.

It may take months to build a following.

And you may get paid nickels and dimes for a while before anything happens.

But this is the reality of a writer.

Devoting your life to writing isn’t always about the money. Sure, getting paid lots of money to write words would be nice.

Writing isn’t about worrying what people say or who’s following you.

It’s about what you say and your experiences.

You have a voice to express yourself.

There’s an opportunity to tell your story.

That is your reality.

Expectations vs Reality of a Writing Career was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.