Daniel O'Brien's Blog, page 27

Hi. 10 years ago, Lunch Money Criminals performed at my high school, a small girls' boarding school in western NJ. The first time you guys came was on my 2nd day of school. I was 14 and terrified and you guys played some really good music that kind of took

Purnell High School, I remember it and you. You made me feel like such a big shot, thank you for that. Was that TEN YEARS AGO? Oof.

shelbyfero69:tally-art:octopuspiecomic:This update was...

shelbyfero69:

tally-art:

octopuspiecomic:

This update was drawn collaboratively by me and Mike Holmes! Valerie colored the whole beast. And Gisele did the flats! It’s a real honor working with these folks.

yeah I know… long

So beautiful!! *___*

Visual representation of “here” by Alessia Cara basically

3eanuts:August 8, 1988 — see The Complete Peanuts 1987-1990

3eanuts:

August 8, 1988 — see The Complete Peanuts 1987-1990

Now What’s Cooler Than Being Cool?

patrickcassels:

ICE COLD!

Now what’s cooler than being “ice cold?”

LIQUID HELIUM!

Now what’s cooler than being liquid helium?

ABSOLUE ZERO!

Okay, now what’s cooler than being Absolute Zero?

NOTHING, BY DEFINITION ABSOLUTE ZERO IS THE COLDEST TEMPERATURE MATTER CAN BE!

Alright alright alright alright!

ohmygodwaytoolong:unpops:SAN DIEGO: WE ARE IN YOU SEPTEMBER...

ohmygodwaytoolong:

unpops:

SAN DIEGO: WE ARE IN YOU SEPTEMBER 18TH.

I’m doing stand-up in Southern Southern California next month thanks to Adam Tod Brown’s largesse. Please come!

At some random point in time, I decided I would never repeat a stand-up set. Not in a fancy “Once I record it, for the public, I move on, to be better, like Louis CK or Carlin or almost all of England” sort of way, or anything. I just decided that whenever I did stand-up, it was always going to revolve around whatever I was dealing with at the time, to use stand-up as an admittedly self-indulgent conversation with the audience. I’m never going to be a professional stand-up, but I like doing it, so I’m going to use the time as a way to talk about what I think is weird or interesting and see if we connect on that. It’s why I’ve ended up doing stand-up sets on subjects with high(ish) stakes like my partial blindness, a time a stranger sexually harassed me and break-ups, as well as subjects that are low stakes, like “isn’t it wacky having a dog” and “sex is weird” and “here are some observations about Garfield the cat that I have.”

All of this is to say that you should come and watch us do San Diego on the 18th, if for no other reason than because I’m going to do stuff I’ll never do again for anyone else, except you.

cracked:SEE OUR LIVE SHOW TOMORROWThis is tomorrow and...

cracked:

SEE OUR LIVE SHOW TOMORROW

This is tomorrow and we’ve recently added Cody Johnston to the line-up to add some of that signature Cody, like, smell I guess. Heavy, warm smell.

Tickets are almost sold out (and likely will be completely gone tomorrow). Live stuff is always fun stuff, because we get to hear you laugh in person but none of you can touch me. It’s a victimless crime, minus the crime.

I’ve Been Putting a Hand-Drawn Picture of a Cat in My Company’s Suggestion Box Every Day for Two Months

I think I can go ahead and call this another entry in the “Long Cons That Didn’t Pay Off” file.

A few months ago, I put this post it note on my office computer.

Whenever anyone asked about it I’d say “Don’t worry about it” or “It’s personal” or “Oh, that’s right, cats, I almost forgot, thank you.”

Then I’d draw a picture of a cat, write a date on it…

…and place it in our office’s Suggestion Box. I did this every single day I was in the office. Here are some of the cats I made.

It’s important to have fun with your hobbies, so I made sure I varied my style and even embraced some weird impulses.

Hey, look at this cool fella!

Uh huh. I think I was sad that day.

I did this because I (and you) deserve to have as much fun as I (and you!) want, and because long cons lead to some of my favorite jokes. The ultimate end goal of this long con was an email. I was going to put a picture of a cat in our suggestion box every single day until some frustrated administrative employee of the company sent out a company-wide email that said “Whoever keeps putting pictures of cats in the suggestion box, PLEASE STOP.” I wanted that for two major reasons, but first hey do you want to see this cat I made?

That. Cat. Fucks.

Anyway, reason number one was Magic. There are about 400 people in this office (Cracked is owned by a larger media company). Those people come to work and go about their day, and one day they’d see an email about a very dedicated, insane, mystery person who has evidently been filling the suggestion box with dozens of hand-drawn cat pictures, one every single day. That email (the “Please stop putting pictures of cats in the suggestion box; this is a business” email), would serve as a reminder; life is weird and funny and stupid and sometimes stuff like this happens, and isn’t that wacky and fun? You live in a world where some goofball could get bored and draw forty cats with seemingly no end game or motive. Isn’t the world a wacky and fun place to live? Look at this fat piece of shit.

Reason number two was just make Soren and my other immediate coworkers laugh. The joke would be simple. We all get an email that says “Whoever keeps putting pictures of cats in the suggestion box, PLEASE STOP.” And then I would nervously crumble up the post-it note that says “CATS” and reassure the rest of the team that it probably isn’t worth looking into, and I wouldn’t draw any connections between that email and my behavior over the last two months. Then all of my coworkers would see what I’ve been up to and marvel at my dedication to the joke, because we’re all good joke-makers here, and Game respects Game.

But that email never came. I’ve been drawing pictures of cats since June, since fucking June, you guys, here’s another cat.

No one’s said anything. No one’s said a god damned word. And I know what you’re thinking: “The suggestion box is obviously just for show, they have it to placate the employees, no one ever checks it, and now it’s full of cats.” But you’re wrong. Dead wrong. I can see into the box, I KNOW someone has been emptying it. We even had an all-hands meeting where our CEO addressed the suggestion box specifically to call out the most popular suggestion (it was something about not pictures of cats so who even gives a shit).

Someone has been going through that box, at least at the end of every week. This person has been stoically ignoring what at this point is an obvious cat problem that someone at this company has. This person wants to go on pretending they’re NOT looking at pictures of cats every day, this person wants to pretend that the world isn’t like it is. You fucking rat. You fucking rat in a maze.

But you know what? This person (who again is choosing to REJECT THE TRUTH THAT IS ALL AROUND THEM), this person is stronger and more dedicated than me. I can’t keep making cats. I can’t keep making cats for this joke that’s never going to pay off. I had a lot of fun, I feel like I have a better understanding of what a cat nose looks like and I had an excuse every day to get up and move my legs a little bit, but I don’t want to do this anymore, so I’m stopping, so I lost, so I’m a loser.

But the REAL loser, I think you’ll agree, is everyone else who ISN’T me. They lost because they’ll never be party to the EXPERIENCE that I wanted to provide them with (completely free of charge, I forgot to mention). They won’t have the memory of that weird day at the office when suddenly everyone was talking about the mystery cat guy, and like wondering “Is he single he sounds cool,” or like “What if the mystery cat person is a girl, Janet, did you even fucking think of that it’s 2015.” Janet and Grimace won’t have the memory of that conversation, because that conversation won’t happen, because someone in this office refuses to do his or her part in what this voter is calling “The Con of the Century” by sending a simple god damn email. He or she robbed this entire building of a Moment and that, friends and ex-lovers, is the real #tragedy.

You'll never guess where I am, cracked humorist and writer Daniel O'Brien

Uh… I mean you’re right, probably. I sure hope you’re not in or near my home, but it definitely sounds like you are. There or somewhere else relevant to my life. I mean no one ever says “You’ll never guess where I am” when they’re in a place that would legitimately be hard to guess (like, if the answer was “This town just outside of Des Moines you’ve never heard of or been to,” I would then have to concede “Yes, you’re right, I would not have guessed that, you truly are the master of this game.”). People typically say “You’ll never guess where I am” as a lead in to, like, “BEHIND YOU.”

That’s a ridiculous hypothetical, of course, I know you’re not behind me because I checked there. It was the first place I checked. But I walked outside of my apartment today and I saw a guy on the street just taking pictures of things, and then I got a message saying “You’ll never guess where I am” and recently some kids tweeted out personal details about my life and, ugh, fucking MONDAYS, right?

Anyway if you’re saying this as a lead in to “Outside your apartment/office!” because you tracked me down in Los Angeles to murder or do weird sex to me, just, uh… Come to our live podcast at UCB Sunset on Wednesday? Since you’re in the area and everything, might as well see some live comedy.

I dunno if you ever felt awkward in high school or college or anything but just know that now, in your mid twenties, you are killing it. You're smart and funny and cute and original and make me wish I lived in New York so that we could run into each other

Hi thank you that is very kind of you to say! I know it’s not like, edgy comedy anymore to talk about how you feel bad about yourself. The hip thing now is to be incredibly cocky because we live in a culture that wants you to hate yourself so the only true act of rebellion is to shout about how you are the hottest thing on two legs and constantly wear crop tops. BUT all I can do is stand in my truth (a dude on Tinder messaged me this week “Good morning, Hallie! Are you living your truth today?” and I was like YEP and then immediately unmatched him) SO here are some true thoughts that your message made me think:

Keep reading

I dunno if you ever felt awkward in high school or college or anything but just know that now, in your mid twenties, you are killing it. You're smart and funny and cute and original and make me wish I lived in New York so that we could run into each other

Hi thank you that is very kind of you to say! I know it’s not like, edgy comedy anymore to talk about how you feel bad about yourself. The hip thing now is to be incredibly cocky because we live in a culture that wants you to hate yourself so the only true act of rebellion is to shout about how you are the hottest thing on two legs and constantly wear crop tops. BUT all I can do is stand in my truth (a dude on Tinder messaged me this week “Good morning, Hallie! Are you living your truth today?” and I was like YEP and then immediately unmatched him) SO here are some true thoughts that your message made me think:

Keep reading