Phoebe Fox's Blog, page 2
April 6, 2015
5 Ironclad Rules for Getting Through Your Breakup
A woman I know well -- we'll call her my sister -- took three years to break up with her boyfriend.
She knew it had to happen; they fought all the time, he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated and he didn't get along with her kids. But still, they put themselves through years of unnecessary pain, unwilling or unable to step away.
That's the horrific thing about breakups -- often nothing's black-and-white. When our hearts are well and truly given, they can fight hard against ending a relationship that our brains may insist isn't good for us. And even if we're not deeply in love, it can be hard to walk away from something, however imperfect, when loneliness is the other option.
If you're beginning to realize the relationship you're in is headed for a dead end, here are a few guideposts to help get you through the worst of it.
1. If the ship is sailing without you, don't jump off the dock and try to swim after it.
Has your partner checked out of the relationship? Pay attention to the subtle signs and gut feelings that tell you when that's happening -- and reevaluate your willingness to fight to hold on to someone who's clearly letting go of you. Sometimes all you have left is your dignity. Hang on to it.
2. If you know an amputation is required, chop, don't saw.
Whether your partner is instigating things or you are, if you know a breakup is imminent, don't draw it out -- end it. A relationship that's mortally wounded can either end cleanly, directly and as kindly as possible... or it can limp along, growing ever more diseased, until the festering wound threatens to destroy every good memory, along with your self-esteem and peace of mind. Either way, the diseased limb has to come off. Make it quick and let the healing start.
3. Once the Coke machine starts to tip, just get out of the way.
Repeated breaking up and making up is a sign that a relationship is in for a crash. The more times things tip out of balance, the more you chisel away at a steady foundation -- and your mental health. If the Coke machine is rocking, it's going over -- don't stand close enough to get crushed.
4. If you're a crack addict, stay away from the crack den.
There's a reason they call love a drug -- the feelings and physiological reactions love engenders in us have been proven to be almost identical to the reactions of addicts when exposed to (or in withdrawal from) their drug of choice. Once you finally break off a relationship with someone who is your Kryptonite, avoid them -- and all the places you know you'll see them, and even all the people who were part of your life with them. It doesn't have to be forever; just till you kick the habit. Luckily, unlike most addictions, the addictive draw wears off... eventually.
5. If you're out of ammunition, get out of the foxhole.
Don't expect to bounce right back after a major breakup -- even if you instigated it. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal from the pain and the anger and the disappointment of dashed hopes. (If you didn't think there was potential there, you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship in the first place, right?) Fresh off a heartbreak isn't the time to start a new relationship, make a huge lifestyle change or push yourself to "get back to normal" too quickly. You need time to retreat and reload.
Above all, be patient. There's nothing easy about a breakup -- the only way through it is through it. But when my sister finally ended her relationship, she told me she immediately felt lighter, like she'd had a pressing weight lifted off her. When you finally summon the strength to break out of the wrong relationship, you may be surprised by how liberating it can be.
Phoebe Fox is the author of the Breakup Doctor series from Henery Press; Bedside Manners, book two in the series, releases this week. You can find her at www.phoebefoxauthor.com, and have news and relationship advice delivered right to your in-box here. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
She knew it had to happen; they fought all the time, he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated and he didn't get along with her kids. But still, they put themselves through years of unnecessary pain, unwilling or unable to step away.
That's the horrific thing about breakups -- often nothing's black-and-white. When our hearts are well and truly given, they can fight hard against ending a relationship that our brains may insist isn't good for us. And even if we're not deeply in love, it can be hard to walk away from something, however imperfect, when loneliness is the other option.
If you're beginning to realize the relationship you're in is headed for a dead end, here are a few guideposts to help get you through the worst of it.
1. If the ship is sailing without you, don't jump off the dock and try to swim after it.
Has your partner checked out of the relationship? Pay attention to the subtle signs and gut feelings that tell you when that's happening -- and reevaluate your willingness to fight to hold on to someone who's clearly letting go of you. Sometimes all you have left is your dignity. Hang on to it.
2. If you know an amputation is required, chop, don't saw.
Whether your partner is instigating things or you are, if you know a breakup is imminent, don't draw it out -- end it. A relationship that's mortally wounded can either end cleanly, directly and as kindly as possible... or it can limp along, growing ever more diseased, until the festering wound threatens to destroy every good memory, along with your self-esteem and peace of mind. Either way, the diseased limb has to come off. Make it quick and let the healing start.
3. Once the Coke machine starts to tip, just get out of the way.
Repeated breaking up and making up is a sign that a relationship is in for a crash. The more times things tip out of balance, the more you chisel away at a steady foundation -- and your mental health. If the Coke machine is rocking, it's going over -- don't stand close enough to get crushed.
4. If you're a crack addict, stay away from the crack den.
There's a reason they call love a drug -- the feelings and physiological reactions love engenders in us have been proven to be almost identical to the reactions of addicts when exposed to (or in withdrawal from) their drug of choice. Once you finally break off a relationship with someone who is your Kryptonite, avoid them -- and all the places you know you'll see them, and even all the people who were part of your life with them. It doesn't have to be forever; just till you kick the habit. Luckily, unlike most addictions, the addictive draw wears off... eventually.
5. If you're out of ammunition, get out of the foxhole.
Don't expect to bounce right back after a major breakup -- even if you instigated it. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal from the pain and the anger and the disappointment of dashed hopes. (If you didn't think there was potential there, you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship in the first place, right?) Fresh off a heartbreak isn't the time to start a new relationship, make a huge lifestyle change or push yourself to "get back to normal" too quickly. You need time to retreat and reload.
Above all, be patient. There's nothing easy about a breakup -- the only way through it is through it. But when my sister finally ended her relationship, she told me she immediately felt lighter, like she'd had a pressing weight lifted off her. When you finally summon the strength to break out of the wrong relationship, you may be surprised by how liberating it can be.
Phoebe Fox is the author of the Breakup Doctor series from Henery Press; Bedside Manners, book two in the series, releases this week. You can find her at www.phoebefoxauthor.com, and have news and relationship advice delivered right to your in-box here. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
March 11, 2015
5 Signs Your Relationship Is in Trouble
You made it through Valentine's Day.
Maybe it was a tender, heartfelt celebration of your union with candy hearts, flowers and singing birds.
Or maybe the über-romantic holiday left you feeling unsettled, insincere, worried. Now that Cupid's wings are out of your eyes, it could be time to reassess your relationship for any of these five warning signs that your love may be on the wane.
1. You're always arguing.
This one seems self-evident, but so often, it's not. I have a friend who frequently calls me to vent about her boyfriend's latest infraction: He lied, he no-showed a date, he didn't come check on her when she was sick. They fight -- loud, screaming things that are alarming to hear -- and then everything is aces. When she and I talk about their volatile dynamic in the lucid times, my friend agrees that his behavior makes her angry, that she doesn't feel cherished and that she's exhausted from fighting. Yet they stay together.
"Why?" I ask.
"I love him."
The lowest lows often accompany the loftiest highs, and when things are good it may be hard to let go of someone with whom you share great passion and, yes, love. But despite what the Roman poet Virgil and Hallmark may want you to believe, love does not conquer all. You can love someone and still be better off without them -- and when your relationship becomes filled with friction and dissatisfaction and resentment more often than the course of true love runs smooth, you're sacrificing your peace of mind (and heart) to an unhealthy, destructive dynamic.
2. You never argue.
Conversely, too much accord might be a signal of trouble -- namely that one partner (or both) is suppressing her real feelings, or subsuming himself in his partner, or has mentally "checked out" of the relationship. No two people with unique backgrounds, mind sets, ideology, etc., can live in perfect accord at all times -- sometimes I can even have lively arguments with myself.
That doesn't mean that screaming fights should be part of your couple repertoire. Everyone argues differently; the key is to respect your partner's differing point of view, as well as their means of expressing it -- but also to take into account how they are most comfortable handling disagreements. I have an atavistic, knee-jerk fear of shouting; raised voices utterly unnerve me, leaving me too freaked out to engage as a rational adult. My husband knows that about me, and is careful not to yell, even amid a heated discussion.
In a healthy relationship, two people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, concerns and emotions -- even the difficult ones -- but can still stay cognizant of each other's feelings.
3. You're always mad.
Remember when you first started dating your boyfriend, and his habit of taking his pants off as soon as he walked in his front door and lounging around in his boxer briefs seemed like a charming quirk? If those same foibles you once found endearing now make you want to scoop out his eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon, you might have one foot out the door.
Sometimes before we're ready to admit that our feelings have changed or our relationship is no longer working, our raw nerves are trying to tell us the truth. Are you often irritated by your partner? Do you find you're quick to take offense to things he says and does? Does your temper flare up faster and easier than usual? Pay attention to those signs. It might be your primal emotions reacting to the truth of your situation before your mind is ready to accept it.
4. You're not having any fun.
And by fun, I mean sex. No, not really -- but partially. Of course, a marked change for the worse in your sex life is a red flag that something's "off," but not having fun is more global than that: lost delight in each other's company, no pleasure in conversation, a lack of mutual interests. Have you and your partner stopped sharing moments, in-jokes? Is he no longer the person you want to rush home to tell when something crazy or funny or outrageous happens in your day? Does the idea of doing things together no longer spark excitement or anticipation? Do you seek out other friends for "fun"? Or do you even disconnect entirely in your partner's company, mentally checking out?
Every couple's dynamic is different, but shared activities, experiences and humor are widely accepted to be the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Once those start to go, the clock might be ticking.
5. You're happy. Really. You are.
This is the most insidious and easy-to-miss indication that your relationship may be on shaky ground. Many relationships, especially long-term ones, can settle into a complacent comfort zone as two people grow ever more familiar.
But familiarity is not intimacy. In fact, sometimes it engenders the opposite -- when we become convinced we know everything there is to know about our partner, we can go on autopilot and stop paying attention. Intimacy is being open -- not just willing to show your own vulnerabilities, but open to the unique, separate, always changing individual your partner is. Once we think we know everything there is to know about someone, we keep them slotted into that safe, comfortable category -- and we stop growing as a couple.
If things are perfectly fine between you -- pleasant, polite, comfortable -- but something is missing, take stock. This doesn't have to be a signal that things are over -- sometimes it's a much-needed wake-up call for a couple to remember to see the other person as another person- - not just a familiar appendage taken for granted.
But whether you decide to work on things or end them, don't put it off. There are only 361 days left till next Valentine's Day.
Maybe it was a tender, heartfelt celebration of your union with candy hearts, flowers and singing birds.
Or maybe the über-romantic holiday left you feeling unsettled, insincere, worried. Now that Cupid's wings are out of your eyes, it could be time to reassess your relationship for any of these five warning signs that your love may be on the wane.
1. You're always arguing.
This one seems self-evident, but so often, it's not. I have a friend who frequently calls me to vent about her boyfriend's latest infraction: He lied, he no-showed a date, he didn't come check on her when she was sick. They fight -- loud, screaming things that are alarming to hear -- and then everything is aces. When she and I talk about their volatile dynamic in the lucid times, my friend agrees that his behavior makes her angry, that she doesn't feel cherished and that she's exhausted from fighting. Yet they stay together.
"Why?" I ask.
"I love him."
The lowest lows often accompany the loftiest highs, and when things are good it may be hard to let go of someone with whom you share great passion and, yes, love. But despite what the Roman poet Virgil and Hallmark may want you to believe, love does not conquer all. You can love someone and still be better off without them -- and when your relationship becomes filled with friction and dissatisfaction and resentment more often than the course of true love runs smooth, you're sacrificing your peace of mind (and heart) to an unhealthy, destructive dynamic.
2. You never argue.
Conversely, too much accord might be a signal of trouble -- namely that one partner (or both) is suppressing her real feelings, or subsuming himself in his partner, or has mentally "checked out" of the relationship. No two people with unique backgrounds, mind sets, ideology, etc., can live in perfect accord at all times -- sometimes I can even have lively arguments with myself.
That doesn't mean that screaming fights should be part of your couple repertoire. Everyone argues differently; the key is to respect your partner's differing point of view, as well as their means of expressing it -- but also to take into account how they are most comfortable handling disagreements. I have an atavistic, knee-jerk fear of shouting; raised voices utterly unnerve me, leaving me too freaked out to engage as a rational adult. My husband knows that about me, and is careful not to yell, even amid a heated discussion.
In a healthy relationship, two people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, concerns and emotions -- even the difficult ones -- but can still stay cognizant of each other's feelings.
3. You're always mad.
Remember when you first started dating your boyfriend, and his habit of taking his pants off as soon as he walked in his front door and lounging around in his boxer briefs seemed like a charming quirk? If those same foibles you once found endearing now make you want to scoop out his eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon, you might have one foot out the door.
Sometimes before we're ready to admit that our feelings have changed or our relationship is no longer working, our raw nerves are trying to tell us the truth. Are you often irritated by your partner? Do you find you're quick to take offense to things he says and does? Does your temper flare up faster and easier than usual? Pay attention to those signs. It might be your primal emotions reacting to the truth of your situation before your mind is ready to accept it.
4. You're not having any fun.
And by fun, I mean sex. No, not really -- but partially. Of course, a marked change for the worse in your sex life is a red flag that something's "off," but not having fun is more global than that: lost delight in each other's company, no pleasure in conversation, a lack of mutual interests. Have you and your partner stopped sharing moments, in-jokes? Is he no longer the person you want to rush home to tell when something crazy or funny or outrageous happens in your day? Does the idea of doing things together no longer spark excitement or anticipation? Do you seek out other friends for "fun"? Or do you even disconnect entirely in your partner's company, mentally checking out?
Every couple's dynamic is different, but shared activities, experiences and humor are widely accepted to be the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Once those start to go, the clock might be ticking.
5. You're happy. Really. You are.
This is the most insidious and easy-to-miss indication that your relationship may be on shaky ground. Many relationships, especially long-term ones, can settle into a complacent comfort zone as two people grow ever more familiar.
But familiarity is not intimacy. In fact, sometimes it engenders the opposite -- when we become convinced we know everything there is to know about our partner, we can go on autopilot and stop paying attention. Intimacy is being open -- not just willing to show your own vulnerabilities, but open to the unique, separate, always changing individual your partner is. Once we think we know everything there is to know about someone, we keep them slotted into that safe, comfortable category -- and we stop growing as a couple.
If things are perfectly fine between you -- pleasant, polite, comfortable -- but something is missing, take stock. This doesn't have to be a signal that things are over -- sometimes it's a much-needed wake-up call for a couple to remember to see the other person as another person- - not just a familiar appendage taken for granted.
But whether you decide to work on things or end them, don't put it off. There are only 361 days left till next Valentine's Day.
January 13, 2015
How Much Honesty is TOO Much?
This is the way my online dating profile began:
"Me: Painfully blunt, occasionally manic, often embarrassingly childish, driven to be a workaholic by vast stores of guilt and a fear of inadequacy. I try to be kind more often than not."
Or at least, it's how it would have begun if I were being 100 percent honest. Instead, the profile I created that eventually attracted my now-husband started off this way:
"Me: Honest, energetic, fun, often goofy, self-motivated, kind, hardworking."
The fact is, both descriptions are true -- it's just that one is the PR version of the cold, hard truth of the other. Because that's what you do in dating, right? You put your best face forward.
But one new online dating site encourages users to do just the opposite -- to present your bad qualities along with the good, without adornment -- the equivalent of showing up on a first date in yoga pants and no makeup. David Wheeler founded Settle for Love after unsuccessfully trying several other dating sites where he found many people misrepresented themselves in their profiles. Encouraging users to be "brutally honest" and requiring that they post both good and bad pictures of themselves, Wheeler's site also requires members to state what they are willing to settle for.
The site has quickly garnered lots of national media attention (like these features on Good Morning America and Cosmo)... but is it a viable way to find love?
I signed up for online dating sites three times over a period of years, each time giving up in frustration well before my three-month membership was up. The truth is, people do misrepresent themselves online. Men who'd told me they were in their early 40s showed up with 10 or 20 extra years on them ("I'm young-acting and -feeling, so it makes sense to lie," one told me). Guys who said they were divorced revealed with a mischievous-little-boy grin that they were actually only separated -- "but I'll be divorced." And, as a woman who is six feet tall, don't even get me started on the literal and metaphorical stretchings of the truth where height is concerned. (Oh, really, you're six-two and your head hits me at boob level?)
But is there such a thing as too much honesty early into the dating process? On Settle for Love, members reveal rather startlingly intimate facts about themselves -- "I'm overweight and unemployed, I can be really clingy, and I can be very annoying." While I'm a big fan of honesty, I have to admit that this presentation wouldn't exactly set my hormones flowing.
For Christmas this year I bought my husband a sous vide cooker. This is a device that basically creates a hot tub for your food, cooking meats in a water bath at low temperatures for a sustained period of time that results in a juicy, delicious steak. It really works -- we had a New York strip that came out tender as filet mignon.
The problem was, the process yields a piece of perfectly cooked meat that essentially looks like an amorphous gray chunk of flesh. It's deeply unappealing. The idea is that you finish it off with a food torch, or by pan-searing or grilling it -- it doesn't cook the meat any further, which is perfectly done after the sous vide bath. It just makes it look more palatable, so you want to take a bite and find out how it tastes.
This is kind of how I feel about Settle for Love. While I applaud the sentiment behind the site -- being open and real and vulnerable -- I do think that there's something to be said for a bit of presentation. As dating expert Donna Barnes points out, "Some of these things that [Settle for Love members are] revealing about themselves, you have to already have an affinity for somebody before you're like, 'Oh, that's cute.'"
While we all have qualities that aren't entirely attractive, first we have to be drawn enough to someone to give things a try and find out what's really on the inside.
So where's the line between charmingly genuine and off-puttingly oversharing? Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind:
• Be honest about who you are. That's not to say that you want to show all your least-attractive traits or unpack all your baggage on date one. But we are more alike as people than we are different, and often we connect at the vulnerable places.
• But put the most positive spin on your personal traits. Instead of stating that you're clingy, for instance, you might say you like a lot of affection. Like torching the sous vide steak to make it more palatable, it's just packaging.
• Phone a friend. If you have trouble presenting yourself genuinely without sounding like a complete train wreck, call a friend. Too often we're our own worst critics; an objective friend will be able to see you clearly, but with the patina of loving who you are that allows bugaboos to be cast in the best light.
My husband's online profile got a few sentences in before he gave up with, "This is harder than I thought. I'll finish it later." He never did.
I found his lack of pretense appealingly refreshing when I read it. As I got to know him I saw what this trait really meant -- he isn't a big fan of talking about himself, "sharing my hopes and dreams" as he jokes about touchy-feely talk. And like his profile, he often leaves things half-done, like when he gets out a panoply of tools to manfully tackle an issue around the house, competently fixes it... and then leaves the tools to sit out for days until I finally hurl them in aggravation back into the toolbox. If he'd spelled out those things in the profile, I might not have found them quite so charming.
And yet I wound up getting exactly what he advertised -- a man who, for better or for worse, will always be completely genuine.
And as it happened, that's exactly what I was looking for.
Follow Phoebe Fox on Twitter: www.twitter.com/phoebefoxauthor
More:
Dating, Dating Advice, Online Dating, Men, Dating Tips, Love, Love and Relationships, Love Advice, Relationships, Relationship Advice, Love & Sex
"Me: Painfully blunt, occasionally manic, often embarrassingly childish, driven to be a workaholic by vast stores of guilt and a fear of inadequacy. I try to be kind more often than not."
Or at least, it's how it would have begun if I were being 100 percent honest. Instead, the profile I created that eventually attracted my now-husband started off this way:
"Me: Honest, energetic, fun, often goofy, self-motivated, kind, hardworking."
The fact is, both descriptions are true -- it's just that one is the PR version of the cold, hard truth of the other. Because that's what you do in dating, right? You put your best face forward.
But one new online dating site encourages users to do just the opposite -- to present your bad qualities along with the good, without adornment -- the equivalent of showing up on a first date in yoga pants and no makeup. David Wheeler founded Settle for Love after unsuccessfully trying several other dating sites where he found many people misrepresented themselves in their profiles. Encouraging users to be "brutally honest" and requiring that they post both good and bad pictures of themselves, Wheeler's site also requires members to state what they are willing to settle for.
The site has quickly garnered lots of national media attention (like these features on Good Morning America and Cosmo)... but is it a viable way to find love?
I signed up for online dating sites three times over a period of years, each time giving up in frustration well before my three-month membership was up. The truth is, people do misrepresent themselves online. Men who'd told me they were in their early 40s showed up with 10 or 20 extra years on them ("I'm young-acting and -feeling, so it makes sense to lie," one told me). Guys who said they were divorced revealed with a mischievous-little-boy grin that they were actually only separated -- "but I'll be divorced." And, as a woman who is six feet tall, don't even get me started on the literal and metaphorical stretchings of the truth where height is concerned. (Oh, really, you're six-two and your head hits me at boob level?)
But is there such a thing as too much honesty early into the dating process? On Settle for Love, members reveal rather startlingly intimate facts about themselves -- "I'm overweight and unemployed, I can be really clingy, and I can be very annoying." While I'm a big fan of honesty, I have to admit that this presentation wouldn't exactly set my hormones flowing.
For Christmas this year I bought my husband a sous vide cooker. This is a device that basically creates a hot tub for your food, cooking meats in a water bath at low temperatures for a sustained period of time that results in a juicy, delicious steak. It really works -- we had a New York strip that came out tender as filet mignon.
The problem was, the process yields a piece of perfectly cooked meat that essentially looks like an amorphous gray chunk of flesh. It's deeply unappealing. The idea is that you finish it off with a food torch, or by pan-searing or grilling it -- it doesn't cook the meat any further, which is perfectly done after the sous vide bath. It just makes it look more palatable, so you want to take a bite and find out how it tastes.
This is kind of how I feel about Settle for Love. While I applaud the sentiment behind the site -- being open and real and vulnerable -- I do think that there's something to be said for a bit of presentation. As dating expert Donna Barnes points out, "Some of these things that [Settle for Love members are] revealing about themselves, you have to already have an affinity for somebody before you're like, 'Oh, that's cute.'"
While we all have qualities that aren't entirely attractive, first we have to be drawn enough to someone to give things a try and find out what's really on the inside.
So where's the line between charmingly genuine and off-puttingly oversharing? Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind:
• Be honest about who you are. That's not to say that you want to show all your least-attractive traits or unpack all your baggage on date one. But we are more alike as people than we are different, and often we connect at the vulnerable places.
• But put the most positive spin on your personal traits. Instead of stating that you're clingy, for instance, you might say you like a lot of affection. Like torching the sous vide steak to make it more palatable, it's just packaging.
• Phone a friend. If you have trouble presenting yourself genuinely without sounding like a complete train wreck, call a friend. Too often we're our own worst critics; an objective friend will be able to see you clearly, but with the patina of loving who you are that allows bugaboos to be cast in the best light.
My husband's online profile got a few sentences in before he gave up with, "This is harder than I thought. I'll finish it later." He never did.
I found his lack of pretense appealingly refreshing when I read it. As I got to know him I saw what this trait really meant -- he isn't a big fan of talking about himself, "sharing my hopes and dreams" as he jokes about touchy-feely talk. And like his profile, he often leaves things half-done, like when he gets out a panoply of tools to manfully tackle an issue around the house, competently fixes it... and then leaves the tools to sit out for days until I finally hurl them in aggravation back into the toolbox. If he'd spelled out those things in the profile, I might not have found them quite so charming.
And yet I wound up getting exactly what he advertised -- a man who, for better or for worse, will always be completely genuine.
And as it happened, that's exactly what I was looking for.
Follow Phoebe Fox on Twitter: www.twitter.com/phoebefoxauthor
More:
Dating, Dating Advice, Online Dating, Men, Dating Tips, Love, Love and Relationships, Love Advice, Relationships, Relationship Advice, Love & Sex
December 4, 2014
The Only Reason You Need to Know for Why Your Relationship Didn't Work Out
A friend of mine recently dumped a guy she was crazy about.
She made that hard decision partly because in the six months they'd been dating, she'd never gone to his house. Not once.
When she first told me this my antennae went up. "Seriously?" I said to her. "He's married. He has porn covering the walls. He operates a slave ring from his basement. He's a hoarder. I could go on."
Turns out it was none of my knee-jerk suspicions -- he and his roommates have a no-guests agreement, he finally explained when she pressed him.
Now, I used to share a very intimate railroad apartment in New York City with a friend, and we instigated no such rule, despite living in four minuscule rooms with -- and I'm not exaggerating here -- a bathroom the size of an airplane lavatory (and also located in the kitchen), with our beds about six feet apart separated only by a glass French door. In the four years we cohabited there, we managed to find ways to allow each other enough personal space to date because, you know... life. So this was another red flag for me.
Up until my friend finally called it off, she saw him twice a month -- even half a year in. "Essentially, I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy who works a mile away from me," she'd told me. "I don't get it at all: why start dating someone who is looking for a relationship when you don't have any time to devote to it?"
The answer that first popped to mind was one I didn't want to say to her: Because being unavailable is his way of letting a woman know he's not interested in a relationship. At least not with her.
Like my girlfriend, I used to think that if I was totally honest with potential dates about what I was looking for -- a committed relationship -- I'd weed out the ones who were just in it for the minute.
But there are a couple of problems with that theory. First -- and buckle up, because I'm going to make a possibly unfair blanket statement here -- sometimes men aren't paying that much attention to what you say. After all, you went out with them, right? Sure, maybe you posted something or other in your online dating profile about a long-term committed blah-blah, but you said yes. You continued to say yes.
Men and women think a bit differently: Women listen to the words; men pay attention to the actions. How many men know perfectly well that a tight-lipped "I'm fine" from a woman means anything but? And how many women have dismissed our instincts that something is wrong in a relationship because a man assures us everything is A-OK and it's all in our heads?
My friend, as I mentioned, is an extremely smart woman. If she had judged her date on his actions, then she might have decided that a man who doesn't make much time for her and doesn't want her in his private space is -- to quote the brilliant and revelatory Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt -- just not that into her. Or if he had judged her by her words, then he might have realized even before they connected online that she wanted something more than he did from the relationship.
But on the other hand... how could he know that until he went out with her?
Maybe he did think he was ready, and he wanted to see whether my friend was the right girl for him. There's every chance he simply didn't know he didn't want a relationship with her until he started to have one. In that light, maybe he was trying to be a good guy -- trying not to lead her on by letting things develop beyond what he was willing to offer.
Which of these reasons was the real one this guy kept her at such a remove? My girlfriend, I suspect, has been trying to puzzle it out even harder than I am -- and probably with just as little success. The fact is, she can't know for certain why things never moved forward with this man, even though when they were together, it felt exactly right. And I can't know either. In fact, there's only one person who can really know in this case -- and maybe not even him. She's looking for answers that in all likelihood she'll never get.
The bottom line is that you can't control any aspect of a relationship except what you put into it -- and what you are willing to accept from it. My friend wants to know why things went down the way they did, but she may never find out. What she does know is this: She didn't think her ex was at a place in his life where he was ready for a committed relationship, which is what she's looking for.
So she broke it off.
That takes guts. And it takes faith -- the faith to know that what you want is out there for you, and you deserve it. And that if you open up a space for it -- by letting go of relationships that aren't serving that goal -- you just might get it.
She made that hard decision partly because in the six months they'd been dating, she'd never gone to his house. Not once.
When she first told me this my antennae went up. "Seriously?" I said to her. "He's married. He has porn covering the walls. He operates a slave ring from his basement. He's a hoarder. I could go on."
Turns out it was none of my knee-jerk suspicions -- he and his roommates have a no-guests agreement, he finally explained when she pressed him.
Now, I used to share a very intimate railroad apartment in New York City with a friend, and we instigated no such rule, despite living in four minuscule rooms with -- and I'm not exaggerating here -- a bathroom the size of an airplane lavatory (and also located in the kitchen), with our beds about six feet apart separated only by a glass French door. In the four years we cohabited there, we managed to find ways to allow each other enough personal space to date because, you know... life. So this was another red flag for me.
Up until my friend finally called it off, she saw him twice a month -- even half a year in. "Essentially, I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy who works a mile away from me," she'd told me. "I don't get it at all: why start dating someone who is looking for a relationship when you don't have any time to devote to it?"
The answer that first popped to mind was one I didn't want to say to her: Because being unavailable is his way of letting a woman know he's not interested in a relationship. At least not with her.
Like my girlfriend, I used to think that if I was totally honest with potential dates about what I was looking for -- a committed relationship -- I'd weed out the ones who were just in it for the minute.
But there are a couple of problems with that theory. First -- and buckle up, because I'm going to make a possibly unfair blanket statement here -- sometimes men aren't paying that much attention to what you say. After all, you went out with them, right? Sure, maybe you posted something or other in your online dating profile about a long-term committed blah-blah, but you said yes. You continued to say yes.
Men and women think a bit differently: Women listen to the words; men pay attention to the actions. How many men know perfectly well that a tight-lipped "I'm fine" from a woman means anything but? And how many women have dismissed our instincts that something is wrong in a relationship because a man assures us everything is A-OK and it's all in our heads?
My friend, as I mentioned, is an extremely smart woman. If she had judged her date on his actions, then she might have decided that a man who doesn't make much time for her and doesn't want her in his private space is -- to quote the brilliant and revelatory Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt -- just not that into her. Or if he had judged her by her words, then he might have realized even before they connected online that she wanted something more than he did from the relationship.
But on the other hand... how could he know that until he went out with her?
Maybe he did think he was ready, and he wanted to see whether my friend was the right girl for him. There's every chance he simply didn't know he didn't want a relationship with her until he started to have one. In that light, maybe he was trying to be a good guy -- trying not to lead her on by letting things develop beyond what he was willing to offer.
Which of these reasons was the real one this guy kept her at such a remove? My girlfriend, I suspect, has been trying to puzzle it out even harder than I am -- and probably with just as little success. The fact is, she can't know for certain why things never moved forward with this man, even though when they were together, it felt exactly right. And I can't know either. In fact, there's only one person who can really know in this case -- and maybe not even him. She's looking for answers that in all likelihood she'll never get.
The bottom line is that you can't control any aspect of a relationship except what you put into it -- and what you are willing to accept from it. My friend wants to know why things went down the way they did, but she may never find out. What she does know is this: She didn't think her ex was at a place in his life where he was ready for a committed relationship, which is what she's looking for.
So she broke it off.
That takes guts. And it takes faith -- the faith to know that what you want is out there for you, and you deserve it. And that if you open up a space for it -- by letting go of relationships that aren't serving that goal -- you just might get it.
April 29, 2014
About the Breakup Doctor series
I married my excellent husband relatively late, after a long search that yielded me a long and colorful dating life. In those dating years, it was my girlfriends who kept me sane, who provided perspective, who built up my courage and confidence and self-image whenever they started to flag as I—like many women—experienced nearly every relationship pitfall there is.
In 2005 I read Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt’s He’s Just Not That Into You—and it quite literally changed my life. The prototype of pretty much every guy I and my girlfriends had ever dated was in there—the one who never actually asks you out; the one who’d rather drink (or get high) when he’s with you; the one who cheats; the one who comes on strong, then disappears. The “This Is What It Should Look Like” sections opened up a new idea to me—the things my friends and I were accepting as part of normal relating between men and women didn’t have to be part of our equation if we didn’t want them to be. There were good men out there; it did look different when a guy was really into you—I mean really into you—and we deserved to have it.
My dating life changed almost overnight—I didn’t even bother anymore with anything less than someone who seemed to really like me, to want to get to know me, to give me his full attention when we were together, and not play games or hide behind “fear of commitment” or “having been burned.”
In 2007 I met the man who is now my husband, and it really is as simple as Liz and Greg said—if a guy is into you, you know it. He shows you, all the time. Now that I am in a healthy and happy relationship, it’s kind of stunning to me that I and almost every woman I know, of every age, go through a period when we don’t realize this simple fact, and we explain away behavior on a man’s part that’s negligent at best, appalling at worst, with ridiculous excuses like “he’s just afraid” or “he’s been burned before.” I still pass along He’s Just Not That Into You to every woman I know who’s dating, from my teenage niece to my mom when she went back into the dating pool, because we all deserve to know our worth, and there’s no need to accept anything less than a guy who is really, really into us.
That’s what the Breakup Doctor series grew out of. I wanted to share with every woman everywhere all the wisdom and kindness and common sense in Liz and Greg's book, and I wanted to write stories. Most important, I hope that the series is as fun to read as it was for me to write. But it’s also my dear hope that women might read the books and see themselves, and begin to believe that there really is better out there than what they might have found, and that they deserve it one hundred percent.
I’m not usually much on book dedications, but I dedicate these wholeheartedly to Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt, the loving, protective older siblings that every woman should have. I dedicate them to my husband, who was so, so worth waiting—and wading—through every other relationship to find. And I dedicate it to women. Because you are beautiful, and strong, and smart, and worthy. And if you’re not quite ready to believe that yet, then until you are, along with Brook, I will believe it for you.
In 2005 I read Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt’s He’s Just Not That Into You—and it quite literally changed my life. The prototype of pretty much every guy I and my girlfriends had ever dated was in there—the one who never actually asks you out; the one who’d rather drink (or get high) when he’s with you; the one who cheats; the one who comes on strong, then disappears. The “This Is What It Should Look Like” sections opened up a new idea to me—the things my friends and I were accepting as part of normal relating between men and women didn’t have to be part of our equation if we didn’t want them to be. There were good men out there; it did look different when a guy was really into you—I mean really into you—and we deserved to have it.
My dating life changed almost overnight—I didn’t even bother anymore with anything less than someone who seemed to really like me, to want to get to know me, to give me his full attention when we were together, and not play games or hide behind “fear of commitment” or “having been burned.”
In 2007 I met the man who is now my husband, and it really is as simple as Liz and Greg said—if a guy is into you, you know it. He shows you, all the time. Now that I am in a healthy and happy relationship, it’s kind of stunning to me that I and almost every woman I know, of every age, go through a period when we don’t realize this simple fact, and we explain away behavior on a man’s part that’s negligent at best, appalling at worst, with ridiculous excuses like “he’s just afraid” or “he’s been burned before.” I still pass along He’s Just Not That Into You to every woman I know who’s dating, from my teenage niece to my mom when she went back into the dating pool, because we all deserve to know our worth, and there’s no need to accept anything less than a guy who is really, really into us.
That’s what the Breakup Doctor series grew out of. I wanted to share with every woman everywhere all the wisdom and kindness and common sense in Liz and Greg's book, and I wanted to write stories. Most important, I hope that the series is as fun to read as it was for me to write. But it’s also my dear hope that women might read the books and see themselves, and begin to believe that there really is better out there than what they might have found, and that they deserve it one hundred percent.
I’m not usually much on book dedications, but I dedicate these wholeheartedly to Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt, the loving, protective older siblings that every woman should have. I dedicate them to my husband, who was so, so worth waiting—and wading—through every other relationship to find. And I dedicate it to women. Because you are beautiful, and strong, and smart, and worthy. And if you’re not quite ready to believe that yet, then until you are, along with Brook, I will believe it for you.
